Woman comes home and tells her husband,

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks,

"What happened?"

His wife replies,

"Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat


'I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'

It worked!

The headaches are all gone."


Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says,

"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.

Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed
and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror and saying,

"She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!"

His funeral services will be held on Saturday

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed
when his wife complained, as usual,'' I have a headache.''
"Perfect," her husband said...."I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin...... You can take it orally, or as a suppository,................It's up to you."

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage

on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.

There's no way we can afford it."


The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the

front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are

you going?"



Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last

night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming

too, and I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with

a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong. I love you, too."

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know
that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get
married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge
grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not oldenough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5
bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so
much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable

At a U2 concert in London,England Bono asks the audience for
some quiet.
Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice...
"Just for a moment, think outside yourself... Outside this arena...
Everytime I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A loud Irish voice from near the front pierces the moment...
"Well, ya stupid arse, stop yer fockin' clappin', den!"

http://freebiesblog.net/media/1/20051001-Kid-Shirt.jpg

yes i stole the pic from the net!

An old Italian Mafia "Don" is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an'a lissin.
Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife,lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple bambinos.
Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with another man, whadda you gonna do then ... pointa to you watch and
say,
"times up?"

A medical school professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood a bit. Pointing to a woman in the first row he said,
"What do you think your asshole is doing when you are having an orgasm?"

Without blinking an eye she replied, "Golfing with his buddies."