Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really mad. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up,she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a small
gift-wrapped
box in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand new
bathroom scale.


Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a
chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a
talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact,I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster,
Mother, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and
a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I
wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.
"While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!"
sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the
squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and
the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...



"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

The Flight Crew..

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc .

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"


When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."

"It's The Box Office."

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one", to which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

"Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, Bitch."

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met
up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father.



The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll
light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She
replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father!



Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broo m , and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"



BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."



I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

time off work!

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I wa"CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days. " I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker ( the blonde) followed me,the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the
dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore
after
reading this letter, I hope that
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening with my 18 year old secretary
at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be back home
before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter
on
the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take
this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you
know
, I am a math teacher at our
local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I
will
be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael,
one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is
young,
virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent
knowledge of Math, you will understand
that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference.
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime
tomorrow."