A man boarded a plane with six kids.



After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"



"No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

An older couple, at an art exhibition, were staring at a painting that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
They asked the curator of the gallery for an interpretation.
He explained how it represented the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he said, "Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.“

After the curator left, a man with a noticeable maritime accent approached the couple and said, "Would yous' like to know what the painting is really all about?"

“How & why" asked the couple, "could you claim or be more of an expert than the curator of this gallery?"

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. " In fact, there's no African-Americans shown here at all.

“They're just three Cape Breton coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

Wine

While he was rooting around in the basement, a man found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie emerged in a huge cloud of pink smoke.
"I am the all-powerful genie. I shall grant you one wish." The man thought about this, and decided that if there was one thing he couldn't get enough of, it was wine.
"I wish I could pee wine. That's my wish."
"Granted." And the genie disappeared. Later that day, the man's wife came home to find her husband naked, holding a glass.
"Why only one glass?" asked her wife.
"Because you're drinking out of the bottle tonight."

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for my wife.

She was Delighted

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her.

She was ecstatic.

I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon.

I spent $30 on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking mental.

-- We can get a day off from male bosses just by hinting at "female trouble."

-- When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.

-- Taxis stop for us.

-- We get free drinks just for showing up.

--Condoms don't make us lose sensation.

-- If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

-- We have the ability to dress ourselves.

-- We can talk to men without picturing them naked.

-- Occasionally, chocolate really can solve all our problems.

-- Gay men don't make us uncomfortable, unless they're better dressed than we are.

-- We'll never regret piercing our ears.

-- We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

I asked my wife,"what would you do if i won the lottery?"

she replied,"i would take half and leave you". I said,"good i won $12 here's $6 now fuck off"

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady.
"I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower
Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."