When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to a corner store with one dollar.

I'd come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs.
You can't do that now.


Too many fucking security cameras...

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.

Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.


P N E S I











People who wrote SPINE became doctors...
The rest are all my NN friends.

During a physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical-activity level.

The man said he spent three days a week exercising in the outdoors, every week. "Yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five-hour walk through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through about a mile of brambles. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.

"I took a few leaks behind some big trees. I ran away from an angry mother bear, and then ran away from an equally-angry bull elk.

"The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end, I drank eight beers and a tall glass of Scotch."

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!"

"No," the guy replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer."

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "FUCK, I'm on the wrong bus!"

The teacher says: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?

The student says: Obviously it's the past tense.

How men and women record things in their diaries......

------ Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


-----Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt..........who the fuck misses a two-foot putt ?

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked ...

“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"



The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied ...

“Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Sell my Stuff

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."