I know I probably shouldn't let my youngest sleep so late, but when I'm the only one up, I can pretend I have the house to myself. Normally, she would of had volleyball practice this afternoon, but I thought it best to keep her home one more day. (That, and she didn't want to go anyway.) I'm so happy tomorrow is Monday and she can go back to school.

Thinking about cancelling my therapy this Thursday...it's my oldest's birthday. Last week we talked about relationship stuff. She asked me why I have problems verbalizing my feelings with men I'm really into. If I had the answer to that, I don't think it would be an issue. I'm more of a demonstrative person, anyways. A lot of times, sex is just sex, but sometimes, it's how I express my feelings. The more I'm into a man, the less selfish I am. (For example, I don't particularly enjoy giving head-I've even told men I don't do that-but when I'm crazy about a man it's the hugest turn-on.)

I really need to get a new toy...I've pretty much broken the ones I have (between dropping them or snapping off the battery connectors by accident.) My gift to myself for Valentine's Day. My least favorite holiday. I'm single, what is there to enjoy about it? And even if I wasn't single, I wouldn't need one day out of a year to let someone know how special they are to me.

One of my favorite songs. I really relate to it. (Thank god I don't fall often, but if I'm lucky, if there's a next time, it will be mutual.)

I could listen to this man's voice all day and all night...

Have a lot on my mind...but unable to concentrate. I think I need to go out next weekend. Other than therapy and my hike yesterday, I haven't had adult time or alone time. And it's making me very restless.

Anyway, since I can't focus long enough to even know what I'm thinking, I thought I'd share some of my poetry instead.


This one I submitted to the writing class I took last spring.

untitled

I don’t fall in love very frequently
But when I do, it’s the hardest thing for me
Every look, every word, your everything
and I’m trying to find out
What’s the hidden meaning?
And this is a ledge I don’t want-
to stand, to lean, to fall off of
Never should have let it go this far
but it’s like a cloudless night
and trying to ignore the stars
From that first instant our eyes met, I knew
The safest thing for me to do
was to run, no looking back.


And this is just the beginning of one I've been working on.


I lie
in my bed, alone
I swear I'm not cold
although my heart aches
just like my fingertips and toes
when I get caught
unprepared in the snow.


That's all I feel like sharing for now. (And it took a while for me to make up my mind about it.)

"And I don't mean to sound like one of the boys, that's not what I'm trying to do. I don't want to be like one of the boys, I just want you. Now."

(I do view sex like men do for the most part, in being that sex and love are two different things that exist separately from each other. But I am definitely not "one of the boys."

This is the kind of winter pics I like taking...though this was actually taken after a freak snowstorm last April.



This is actually what it looks like, at least every time I've been hiking. I saw my picnic table, covered in snow...made me wish I had someone with me. Winter is definitely not my favorite season, but I'm usually up for new experience. With the right person.

Which reminds me, I haven't tried-let alone thought of-something new this month.

I was hoping my youngest would sleep longer...but now that she's up (and disrupting my train of thought) I need to find something for her to do. I won't get any peace and quiet until I do. I was going to cancel my therapy, but I'm not sick and I'm sure my therapist has gotten a flu shot, because of her job. And since I don't have to worry about my daughter beating me home, I can take a nice, long hike. It's snowing out, maybe I'll be able to get some pictures that are a little more interesting.

I really can't wait for next week. (When my youngest can go back to school.)

Because it really is a beautiful life. Most days, anyway.