So, so tired...think my allergies are acting up again. Trying to distract myself from thinking about sex, and I have to say, mostly it's not going that great. But I've been behaving myself. Even though it's really hard to.

My neighbor has a new thing. Instead of me being a whore, now I'm a lesbian who only has children because I was artificially inseminated. Had a good laugh, anyway. The thing that bothers me, though, is that this is distressing my friend that's crushing on me. Cause my neighbor is saying things to my friend's mother.

I think my bed is calling me.

Excited, my blu-ray player came. Wasn't expecting it until tomorrow. I was trying to enjoy my shower before going to therapy. Cause I have to get a new therapist. It's only one of a few changes. I'm finding it stressful, but the reason for the changes is a good one. My mental health is the most stable it's been since the pregnancy of my second child. But I guess, I'd better stop procrastinating.

God, my youngest is going to be awful to get up in the morning. Watched "The Avengers." Should of started it earlier, but I wanted to get some things done first.

So, my ex-lover, the off and on and off one, texts me last night, of course, cause it's the weekend. It's his usual m.o. And I should know better than to respond. He saw me at subway. (I didn't see him.) Couldn't bother to say hi to me in person. And suddenly, he's questioning me about my sex life and accusing me of fucking other people. I told him that was none of his business but why did he care anyway? It's not as if he wasn't with other people. I told him if it made him feel better about being an ass to me, then think whatever he wants.

But that-and my other dealings with men-are the reasons for my abstinence. I want sex all the time or not at all. And they always say that's what they want, but it isn't. They just want to hook-up once in awhile. At least my cute friend with the crush on me was upfront-she doesn't want to be "in" a relationship with a woman and she only wants to do the girl thing every now and then. And that's the thing, people should always be clear about their intent. Those so called "no strings" are not an excuse for being careless with someone else's feelings or down-right misleading them.

So I'm kinda cranky, and extremely frustrated. And so, so tired.

Didn't actually do breakfast with the girls. But I hung out with my best friend most of the afternoon and she treated me to lunch. Her and I have been friends for years although we've had our share of tiffs. When she's being a good friend, she's the best anyone can ask for. She gets flaky and weird sometimes, though. (And it doesn't necessarily correlate to alcohol consumption, either.) Not that I don't have issues of my own. Who doesn't? But anyways, I had a very pleasant time.

Still feeling moody, though. I know it will pass. I should probably spend some time practicing mindfulness and a bit of meditation before I go to sleep.

I was going to start with the truffle-making tonight, but my youngest would not go to bed and now I'm too tired to start. It's not like I stayed up really late last night, but I didn't sleep well. Been having rather unpleasant dreams; it's probably a subconscious way of avoiding them. Tomorrow, I can get a good start. With some dark chocolate raspberry ones.

Feeling all kinds of moody. Not sure what's wrong with me. (Would like to blame it on my spartan sex life, but that would just make it too easy to excuse doing something I know I shouldn't.) Getting together with the girls tomorrow for breakfast. Too distracted and too tired; I should go to bed and stop thinking so much.

Had a pretty good time celebrating my friend's birthday. Maybe a little bit too much of a good time. She has a thing for me, and I thought we had an understanding about being friends...I don't want things to be awkward or weird with us, but that's where it's headed. Don't get me wrong, I like her alot. And I'm hugely flattered. But I have a great preference for men, and for people who are not involved with someone else. Not to mention that friendship and that type of intimacy don't mix.

Trying to be friends with the ex-lover, but I think I'm wasting my time. I don't know what it is he wanted the other weekend. Maybe an ego boost, or he wanted to know if he still had an effect on me. Or maybe it was only because he was misinformed that I had a girlfriend. Not that it really matters. I'm not a 7-11.

My daughter and her fiance are going to be home this weekend. Guess that means I'd better get it straightened out. And two weeks after that, she's done with school.

Spent the last two days cleaning and sorting. A bit obsessively with the sorting. (I have like a bazillion beads and someone spilled them...cleaning them up is what led to the sorting cause I couldn't put them away disorganized.) So, instead of being put away, the majority of them are all over my table.

And now I'm thinking about making truffles...I made some chocolate frosting, and I like to experiment sometimes, so I added a bit of wine to a small portion of it...interesting...but that made me think about ganache. And truffles with cream cheese and booze. (I do think about other things than sex. On occasion.)

Haven't gotten any writing done this week, but since I've spent most of my time constructively, that's okay.

God, I've gotta stop reading Cosmo online...they had a thing on "How to Have Sex in Public." They had a few things I want to try...like on the hood of a car, in my backyard, in a bathroom at a bar. (Though I did it once on the floor of a public bathroom at a hotel once.) Oh well, maybe I'll be inspired to write tomorrow.

Looking forward to this weekend. One of my friend's wants to celebrate her birthday (It's actually next Monday) and celebrating birthdays is always a good time. I'm thinking about getting some Pucker Green Apple Vodka-to go with watermelon jello-tastes just like jolly ranchers. Or maybe I'll make pudding shots.

I've been feeling really restless lately. Don't know if it's boredom with my routine, the ending of summer, my non-existent sex life, or combination of the three. Must be time to do some more introspection. And to remind myself that doing some things based on what I want right in the moment may not be conducive to what I want later.

So I kinda had a date last weekend. I say kinda, because I had to come up with an activity and he was going to leave the time up to me as well. Maybe it's a little old-fashioned of me, but I think when a man asks a woman out, he's supposed to have an activity and time in mind. So we went hiking, which is one of my favorite activities. And talked awhile. I thought we were having a nice time. Then he had to open his mouth and say something stupid. Actually, it was more than one stupid thing. He tells me to call when I want to see him, that I have to call. So I ask him "I have to do all the calling?" And he says, yeah, right now, maybe that will change but that's how it is right now. So I asked him if he'd call me if he wants to see me, and he said yeah (though we were using a less polite term cause obviously he didn't pay attention when I told him I'm NOT looking to hook-up.) So I pointed out to him he hasn't called me. (Most of our communication has been through texting.) Sure, I like him, but I don't like him that much. And even if I were crazy about someone, I wouldn't do all the work.

So I went out with my girls and had a blast. Ran into an ex-lover, which was a delightful surprise. Saw my bitchy neighbor, too, which was definitely not delightful. Looking forward to the weekend.

Wide awake at 9am, no alarm. I tried to go back to sleep (five hours, that's all I had) but I couldn't. I know why. It's a person and I'm guessing it's always going to be like this with him.

Looks like it's going to be another beautiful day. Going to get some more sun. Read a little, maybe write a little, too. And try not to think too much.