Sitting here listening to my old 80s music thinking about life and all its twists and turns I have to thank god for the people I have met and the places I have been.

Have had a bad couple of weeks and have had a chance to reaccess the things that are important to me. Family because you never know when some one will be taken away and you will never get the oppotunity to tell them what you really feel. So hold your family close and tell them everyday that you love them. Friends too need to be honoured and cherished. Do not let stupid ideas and thoughts or impulses ruin something that is true and honest. Grab friendship with two hands and cherish it because if your like me and find it hard to connect with people
you cant afford to lose even one. I am trully thankful for the connections I have made and the friendships I have forged and maybe one day I will be able to tell them myself how important they are.

I have also learned that you should not harbour grudges and things that happened when you were a child. They just eat away at you and make your soul dark. I recently met my real dad the man who sired me and gave me a lot demons that I have carried with me through out my life because I was four and its the only thing I remember. But seeing him at my nephews funeral made me realise I had wasted a lot of time hating him. He is a small very sick old man who was so happy to see me and as he has cancer wants to connect so that we can at least build some bridges and mend some fences before he dies. He will never take the place of the man who wiped my nose, tucked me in or gave me a hiding when I needed it. But he is where I come from and its good to see that now. I can see me in him and know I am not a changling.

For all these things I am thankful for. I love my husband who has tolerated my mentalness and accepts me for who I am, weird nuerotic and some times a little fucked up. I am thankful that I live in this small minded town in the middle of bum fuck because I have had the honour of meeting some trully incredible people who have helped me grow as a person and learn to live life to the full and to stop worrying about my body shape, my weird mind or my confidence issues. They know who I am and they accept me for me and I love them for that. They have influenced my life and helped me grow into a better person. So be willing to learn trust your heart and never doubt yourself or be afraid to take a leap of faith.

So when I am feeling down and think I am a horrible person I put on the Smiths and remember the days of dancing around my handbag with dead flowers in my back pocket, I remember the nights of laughter I shared with the people who I call friends and I come on here to meet some more interesing people who dont care if you 40ish lumpy and just discovering herself.

It had been a horrible week of tears arguments and drama and I was finally flying home. All the way I was thinking of you seeing you holding you hugging you and as the plane landed I could feel myself getting wetter more excited Hurry up and open the doors

I walk across the tarmac heart pounding hands sweating. Would you be happy to see me or were you going to be cold and aloof like you used to be. And then I see you and your as nervous as me but you kiss me and I know we are ok everything was going to be ok. The next hour was filled with inane chatter, people I had seen things that had happened and getting beer and drinks for the trip. The whole time I was trembling on the inside panties getting moist heart pounding. Grab some fuel and something for dinner then it’s off on the long drive home.
I had been planning this all week doing it in the car but was nervous how where when. You look at me and I know you want it too and we both start getting excited. You lean over and start rubbing my thigh slowly circling up till you get to my pussy then back down to my knee slowly making me more breathless, my heart racing and when I touch you I feel that you are just as horny as me. God find somewhere to park

We take the short cut home dirt road no traffic and lots of side tracks but we have to find the perfect one seems to take forever. Then you find it and we pull into the bush getting as far from the road as possible. I am getting wetter ever second till I think I will explode. We stop the car and we get out.

The silence is deafening the moon cast an eerie light over
everything as you draw me to you and we kiss. Hot passionate wet kisses tongues entwined. You run your hands down my body touching searching driving me wild We both touch each other and realize we are both excited and we know its time.

I lead you to the car taking clothes off as we go you climb in first and I follow and as I straddle you, you can feel how excited I am and you slide in easily and it feels wonderful and you can feel how much I want you. Wetness runs out of me and as I ride you, you rise up and thrust into me deeper and I have to grind my wet pussy onto you harder wanting it all needing you to thrust harder can feel sweat running down my back feel your breath on my neck your hands on my breasts and I cum. Hot wet juicy wave after wave and I cry out in joy.

Then we change positions and your fingers are in me driving me to the brink again your tongue on my clit licking sucking fingers fucking me and I cum again. My pussy milking your fingers muscles contracting in waves and then you’re cock is in me, driving me into the seat legs over the seats and I push up into you meeting you driving you into me deeper and then we are Cumming hard breathing heavy my legs trembling and as we lay spent your cum pours out of me over my hands and I take my fingers in my mouth and I lick it off loving the taste of you and the feel of you and the smell of you.

I so hope the build up and all the words and promises dont leave us disappointed. In my head we are going to mesh and its going to be perfect you me nothing else touching discovering living this one day to the fullest because we know it can never happen again.

I want to taste you, smell you, look at your beauty and touch that body with my hands and tongue and kiss those lips that haunt me and look into those eyes again. I want to wrap my legs around you and fuck you till we cant take any more but most of all I want to feel you inside me and to hear your voice again. That is what I miss the most hearing you saying my name and just talking to me. I want to hear you tell me what you want and how much you want it. I want to put you in my mouth and feel you grow hard and I want to taste you all of you I want to take it all.

Because you have become a part of me friend, lover? and confidant and I want to give you everything you deserve. You make me feel alive and I thank you for awakening this person inside me.

Why the fuck cant they leave me alone. Why try to hurt the one person who has brought me so much joy. Fuck the lot of them FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Why is it when you are happy in every aspect of your life and things have never been so good that people feel the need to try and smash it all.

Have truly wonderful friends (you know who you are) and my husband and I are finally at a place where after 21 years of marriage never thought we would be and this fucked up town feels the need to try and break us. Didnt work before why try again now what have I ever done to these people but be kind loyal and true. I will not stop giving my heart to people who deserve it I will not change who I am for any one I give my heart and soul to those who deserve it and the rest of you can go fuck your selves.

I know I am no work of art and will never be the object of anyones desires but the people who care about me are truly wonderful people and I will always love them. I am not going to stop making friends with the people who cross my path just because they are men or that I am married my world has been made richer because of these people and I will be eternally grateful to the gods for bringing them into my life.

This is for my very beautiful friend freek who has made me a complete person and fixed a lot of what ails me just by being there.

Bruce Springsteen - Brilliant Disguise lyrics

I hold you in my arms as the band plays
What are those words whispered baby just as you turn away
I saw you last night out on the edge of town
I wanna read your mind and know just what Ive got in this new thing Ive found
So tell me what I see when I look in your eyes
Is that you baby or just a brilliant disguise

I heard somebody call your name from underneath our willow
I saw something tucked in shame underneath your pillow
Well Ive tried so hard baby but I just can't see
What a woman like you is doing with me
So tell me what I see when I look in your eyes
Is that you baby or just a brilliant disguise

Now look at me baby struggling to do everything right
And then it all falls apart when out go the lights
Im just a lonely pilgrim I walk this world in wealth
I want to know if it's you I don't trust cause I damn sure don't trust
Myself

Now you play the loving woman I'll play the faithful man
But just don't look too close into the palm of my hand
We stood at the alter the gypsy swore our future was right
But come the wee wee hours maybe baby the gypsy lied
So when you look at me you better look hard and look twice
Is that me baby or just a brilliant disguise

Tonight our bed is cold
Im lost in the darkness of our love
God have mercy on the man
Who doubts what he's sure of

I close my eyes and I see you standing at the bar the night we said goodbye. I am standing close to you and it gets sudddenly hot in the beer garden. We smile at each other and I feel light headed and I bump you with my shoulder not knowing what else to do you are a mate nothing more someone who brings joy to my life but dont be silly nothing more. As I look into you eyes I see a flash of something and then the barmaid asks what would you like and its gone what ever it was. We get our drinks and move to the table where all your workmates are laughing and joking and you sit as far away as possible but I can still feel you near me, smell you and it is like a fire has started in my stomach and has made its way down till it feels like I am on fire.I look around the table and hope no one has noticed me wriggling in my chair.

Then before I know it its last drinks and we are walking home and as I drunkenly amble along I want to tell you everything I am feeling but there are too many people and I dont want to get rejected the thought of you laughing and finding it silly stops me and I stop at your place on the street have a small argument about me walking home alone and all I want to do is kiss you long and deep and never stopping instead i say good bye give you a hug and wishing it would never stop. I turn and walk away knowing that this is it. Your not coming back and I miss an oppurtuniy to tell you properly truly how I feel.

And as i walk up the street my heart is breaking tears falling and I know its silly, me and you can never be I am married you got your own demons to slay. But god how it hurt arms aching to hold you, lips wanting to kiss you, body wanting to love you long and hard.

I dry my tears and sit out the front to have a smoke and my phone lights up and its you saying goodbye again and my heart skips a beat and I am feeling light headed again.

And thats how it starts two friends needing each other and the universe opening up to a million possibilities, a million questions and the most glorious friendship a girl could ask for.

Little clues, little suggestions, a hint here and a dirty story there and my pants are wet, my pussy on fire and everything is right in the world. And I ache for you again and it starts a hot thing, dont know what to call it, that has me on the brink all the time and I cant wait to see you again and to love you the way you should be. No questions no regret just a little of that human touch.


Love you

Isnt if funny how a word can change the whole day? One simple text message can cause you to float on air and a stupid grin to become permanently stretched across your face.

Lucky enough to be loved by 2 wonderful men and I never thought it was possible to love 2 people equally and to be so happy. One I married the other came into my life when I needed him. You both make me weak at the knees and my heart to skip a beat

You and me we were the pretenders
We let it all slip away
In the end what you don't surrender
Well the world just strips away
Girl, aint no kindness in the face of strangers
Aint gonna find no miracles here
Well you can wait on your blesses my darling
I got a deal for you right here
I aint looking for praise or pity
I aint coming round searching for a crutch
I just want someone to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Aint no mercy on the streets of this town
Aint no bread from heavenly skies
Aint nobody drawing wine from this blood
Its just you and me tonight
Tell me, in a world without pity
Do you think what Im askins too much
I just want something to hold on to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Oh girl that feeling of safety that you prize
Well it comes at a hard hard price
You can't shut off the risk and the pain
Without losing the love that remains
Were all riders on this train

So youve been broken and youve been hurt
Show me somebody who aint
Yeah, I know I aint nobodys bargain
But, hell, a little touch up and a little paint...
You might need something to hold on to
When all the answers, they don't amount to much
Somebody that you could just to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Baby, in a world without pity
Do you think what Im askins too much
I just want to feel you in my arms
Share a little of that human touch
Feel a little of that human touch
Give me a little of that human touch

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I knew somebody like you.

No, I don't want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you. With you. (This world is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you and,