John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

Is this the perfect song for being in isolation?

I am going to have a life size Advent calendar

I am going door to door asking for chocolate

Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the side of their ships???


So when they come into port they can Scandinavian

A friend of mine was arrested at the library the other day.

They said he was defacing the books. He was whiting out all the full stops.

He is expecting a long sentence.

I went to the zoo the other day and saw a baguette in a cage.

The Zoo Keeper told me it was bread in captivity

An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma.


While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde.


So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while…
He climaxes loudly.

Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?”
After a slight pause.

She replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.

Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?”

And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”


Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.
This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.


Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”


“No. I’m Swedish.”?

I went to the bank to organise a loan.

The receptionist said "I am sorry the Loan Arranger isn't in today"

So I said "Can I speak to his assistant - Tonto?"

I went up to the security guard at the Samsung store and asked

"Are you guardian of the Galaxy?"