Bought four baby pigs
Painted 1,2,3,5 on their backs
Took to Mall and released them
Sat back and watched security search for #4

Some days just dont have enough middle fingers to go around

One day this thirty year old virgin stats getting these extremely painful sensations around her vagina. She goes in to her gynecologist and he ask her about her sex life. She replies I'm a virgin so there is no sex. He ask about her public bathroom usage habits. I work from home and I always use the bathroom before I go shopping. So there is no public bathroom usage. After a few more questions he gives her an examine and comes back saying " ma'am, I don't know what's wrong but you definitely don't have crabs". She says that she wants a second opinion and sees another gynecologist. He ask all the same questions and she gives all the same answers. He gives her an examination and comes back with the same results as the first dr. So she decides to get a third opinion. She sees a third doctor, gets asked all the same questions, gives all the same answers and receives yet another examine. The dr comes in and says I have some good and some bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs. The bad news is that your cherry's so ripe you have fruit flies.

A Tiger doesn't loose sleep
Worrying about the opinions of sheep

After my wife went to bed without giving me any sex again I decided to get a prostitute. However it seems that someone up there has it in for me. Every time I ring the number of the escort I found in the local paper some idiot rings her mobile, wakes her up and then hangs up

I still hear someone screaming,,, Dammitt

Last time i buy duct tape at the dollar store

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"

A young priest gets his first day off and heads into town. He is young and innocent and a lady of the night approaches him and says. "Ill give you a blowjob for 20 dollars." he is confused and just says "no thank you ." but he is curious. so he gets back to the convent and asks one of the nuns " sister, what is a blowjob?" she replies "20 bucks just like in town!"

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Deep in the forest two trees grew side by side over many years, a birch tree and a beech tree. They were the best of friends and had many long discussions as the seasons passed.

One day a little sapling sprouted up between them. The birch tree looked down from his leafy height and said, "Oh look! It's a son of a birch!"

The beech tree looked down and said, "Oh no, my friend, any tree can see it's a son of a beech!"

Thus the argument began and raged for years as the little tree grew taller. The birch and beech, who had once been fast friends grew apart.

One day a woodpecker flew by and the trees hailed him. "Woodpecker! Woodpecker!", the trees cried, "We need your help to settle an argument."

The woodpecker perched on the beech and said, "Certainly, gentlemen! What can I do for you?"

The birch said, "We've argued for years as to whether the young sapling you see growing between us is a son of a birch or a son of a beech. We need your professional opinion to tell us for sure. Can you do this for us?"

"Be more than happy to, kind sirs!", chirped the woodpecker and he flew down to the sapling. He tasted and he tested. He prodded and he poked. Finally he nodded in satisfaction and flew back up to the birch tree.

"Which is it!", shouted the trees, "A son of a birch or a son of a beech???"

"It's neither, gentlemen," said the red-headed bird with a smile, "That little tree is the finest piece of ash I've ever stuck my pecker in!"