Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

A friend recently picked a new primary care doctor. After exhaustive Lab tests, he said she was doing 'fairly well' for her age (52).

A little concerned about that comment, she asks him, “Do you think I'll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?” “Oh no,” she replied. “Nothing like that!!”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks or barbecued Ribs?” She said, “Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

”Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like motorcycling, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?” She said “no.”

He asked, “Do you party, gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of crazy sex?” “No” she said...

He looked at her quizzically and asked, “Then, why do you even give a shit?”

Pain makes you stronger
Tears make you braver
Heartache makes you wiser
Whiskey makes you feel none of that crap

Whats the difference between horny and hungry
Where you put the cucumber

If the show "cops" has taught me anything
Its to stay away from people with blurry faces
They are nothing but trouble

It all fun and games
Until someone drinks the beer
With the cigarette butts in it

If at first you don't succeed
Sky diving might not be for you

They say love is more important than money
Have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug

Old man and woman enjoying the cool of the dusk on their front porch swing, when the man suddenly reached over and grabs his elderly wifes bosom. "If we could get milk from these," he stated. "We could get rid of them stinking cows."

Shocked, but undaunted in her swing, they continue to rock gently, when the old man reaches over and pats her crotch, saying, "If we could get eggs from that, we'd get rid of them chickens."

She could no longer contain herself, and reached over and patted his crotch, saying, "If you could get that up, we could get rid of your brother

Who every has control of my Voodoo doll
Would you please scratch my ass
Im in public and cant right at the moment