Dave's friends came up to him after work one day and asked him to go out for a few beers with them.

Dave replied, ''No, I can't. My wife gets really pissed if I come home late.''

Dave's friend said, ''When you get home, just go slide beneath the sheets, pull her panties down and give her oral sex. She won't say anything.''

So Dave goes out with his friends and has a great time. When he comes home hours later, he goes into his room and slides beneath the sheets. He pulls down her panties and begins to give her oral sex. She starts to moan and groan. After a while, Dave tells her that he has to go take a leak and for her to wait there.

When Dave gets to the bathroom he's stunned to see his wife sitting on the john. ''How did you get here?'' he asked.

''Shhhh,'' she replied, ''my mom is sleeping.''

An executive had to get rid of one member of his staff. He couldn't decide between Mary and Jack: both had equal seniority and qualifications. Unable to choose, he finally decided that whoever used the water fountain first would be let go.

The next morning, Mary came with a hangover. She went to the water fountain so she could take some aspirin.

The executive approached her: "Mary, this is difficult, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Mary replied, "Then you'll have to jack off. I have a hell of a headache."

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

Sometimes I question my sanity
Occasionally it replies

I hate when people are at your house and say,
"Hey, you got a bathroom?" I reply,
"Hell no, we shit in the yard"

A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. "Hi ya," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"Get lost," says the man. "It's half-past three."

He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk. She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man's door? What would've happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

So, the husband gets back out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and calls out, "Hey, do you still want a push?" A voice answers, "Yes, please."

"Where are you?" calls the man.

The stranger replies, "I'm over here -- on your swing set."

If at any time while shaving your legs
Your Vagina makes a chewbacca sound
You should shave that too

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"

The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Life really isn't like a box o' chocolates. It's more like a tin of mixed nuts.