A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''

''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''

I hear people say all the time'
You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar
To that I say " yeah but you can catch even more with manure,
So whats your point".

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....

Been wondering what the job application is like at Hooters
If they just hand you a bra and say here fill this out

Part of me says I cant keep drinking like this
The other part of me says
Dont listen to him hes drunk

I tried to follow my dreams
Now i have multiple restraining orders

Red head and blond decide to look through there daughters purses

Red head finds beer and is shocked

Blond finds condoms and said OMG MY DAUGHTERS A MAN

Have you wondered if the dollar bills
In your hand were ever in a strippers Ass crack
If not your are now

Your Welcome,,Have a nice day

Was just sitting here talking to myself
Things didnt go well got into an argument
Well looks like im grounded again

I been waving at strangers like I know them
Or walk up to them shake their hand
Talk to them like you know know them
Than say bye and walk away,
I know for the rest of the day,
They're trying to figure out who I am
Will drive them nuts