A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Three Hell's Angels are sitting at a table in a greasy-spoon when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got shit-faced."
The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange.
Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mother next year."
Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never, EVER marry my mother!"
The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you bastards please pass the frickin’ salt?"

A man goes to see the doctor complaining he has an orange cock.

The doctor asks him to flop it out so he can have a look to see what the trouble is.

The man duly gets his cock out for the doctor and, sure enough, it's bright orange.

The doctor is amazed by this and tells the man he has never seen anything like it before and asks him when he last had had sex?
"Never," says the man, "I'm a virgin and live on my own".
"Does anyone else in your family have this affliction?" asks the doc.
"Not that I'm aware of" replies the man.
"Do you work with any strong chemicals?" queries the doctor.
"No, I'm unemployed" states the man.
"Really," says the doctor, "what do you do all day, then?"
The man replies, "I sit at home watching porn films and eating wotsits..."

A lady who lives near a railway line needs to have a cupboard assembled in her bedroom.
She calls in a carpenter and just as he is about to leave,
a train passes by her window and the doors of the cupboard fly open.
The carpenter tightens the screws and again a train rolls by and the doors fly open.
The carpenter makes some final adjustments but still the doors keep flying open when the train passes.
The carpenter says that this is very strange and that he needs to see what happens from the inside of the cupboard.
He climbs in and closes the doors.
Meantime the lady's husband comes home and finds the carpenter inside the cupboard.
When he demands an explanation the carpenter asks:
"Would you believe me if I told you that I'm waiting for a train?

A nun badly needing to use the toilet,
walked into a local pub..
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out,
the place would erupt into cheers.
However,
when the revelers saw the nun,
the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender,
and asked,
"May I please use the toilet?"
The bartender replied,
"OK,
but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case,
I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the pub.
After a few minutes,
she came back out,
and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said,
"Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the toilet?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But,
I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender,
"every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue,
the lights go out.

Me mates a postman.

He went into this garden.

And this massive dog jumped up at him,

pinning him to the fence ready to rip him to shreds.

This old women opened the door and said,

it's ok love,

kick its balls,

he likes that.

If ya do that he'll leave you alone.

So thus postman has got big steel toe cap boots on,

and wellies the dog right in its balls.

The dog yelps.

The old woman said,

you're in trouble now,

I meant the balls on the lawn.

A few days before his proctological exam,
a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while,
but there were no ill effects,
so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office,
the man followed instructions,
undressed,
and bent over.
The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor,
"you really have to learn to trust me.

A happily married man, one night,
asked his wife to have sex" doggy style".
"No!" she said aghast.
Throughout their long relationship,
he would periodically ask her to have sex "doggy style."
She always emphatically said
"No!"
Finally, on the man's deathbed,
he asked his wife why she refused his simple request to have sex on her hands and knees.
"Hands and knees?" she said,
"I thought you meant in the front yard!"

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date,
the young lady decided she had been stood up.
She changed from her dinner dress into pyjamas and slippers,
made herself a coffee and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang.
There stood her date.
He took one look at her and gasped,
"I'm over an hour late . . .
and you're still not ready... Women!"

After 20 years of marriage,
a couple was lying in bed one evening,
when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck,
and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck,
slowly worked his hand down over her breasts,
stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again,
working down her side,
passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then,
he proceeded up her inner thigh,
stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side,
then suddenly stopped,
rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing,
she asked in a loving voice,
'That was wonderful.
Why did you stop?
He said,
'I found the remote'