A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.
They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks,
his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet?
Your toes look all mangled and weird.
Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation,
and they continued undressing.
When the groom took off his pants,
his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" She asked.
"They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued,
her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess..
Smallcox?"

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately,
the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers,
which he was.

When he finished his drink,
he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar,
handily flipped his gun into the air,
caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright,
I'm gonna have another beer,
and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish,
I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!

And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The man, true to his word,
had another beer,
walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked,

"Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said,

"Why...

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I had to walk home."

A kangaroo at the Sydney zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.
Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high,
the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning,
just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high,
a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
"How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet,
unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night!"

Looking on the bright side

Fred always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance,
he would always reply,
"It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit,
his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad,
so terrible, that even Fred could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day,
one of them said,
"Fred, did you hear about Tom?
He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man,
shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Fred,
"But it could have been worse."

"How," asked his angry friend,
"Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Fred,
"If it had happened the night before,
I`d be dead now!"

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger And staying erect longer,

I was delighted, as was my wife.

But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimetres.

I became quite concerned.

I was having problems dressing,

and even walking,

as it was starting to drag on the ground.

So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination,

the doctor explained to us that,

Though rare, my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," Said my wife coldly,

"you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?..

Walking into the bar,
Rick said to Charlie the bartender,
"Pour me a stiff one -
just had another fight with the little
woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie.
"And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Rick replied,
"she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really?
Now that's a switch.
What did she say?"
She said,
"Come out from under the bed, you chicken-shit."

A man goes to see his doctor because he is feeling a little inferior in the bedroom department.

The doctor gives him a thorough examination and cannot find any functional problems, but does notice that the gentleman's "gentleman" is a little smaller than average.

He explains that there is nothing to worry about, and everything is fully functional. However, should he wish, he could have cosmetic surgery; and the doctor gave him a contact number for a plastic surgeon.

A week later, the man is speaking with the plastic surgeon. The surgeon has detailed all the standard possible options on the table for man. The man apologises for wasting the surgeon's time, he just can't afford any of the procedures, and is about to leave when the surgeon stops him.

"There is one more option," says the surgeon, "and it's free."

With his interest piqued, the man sits back down and asks for more details.

The surgeon explains that the reason the procedure is free is because it is experimental, and if the man agrees to it, he would have to sign a waiver saying that he would not hold them responsible for any unwanted side effects.

He then goes on to explain that the procedure involves grafting the skin from an elephants trunk onto the man's member.

After having listened to the surgeon explain the procedure in great detail, the man decides that there seems to be very little to go wrong and signs the waiver.

3 weeks later, the man goes in for surgery. When he comes round he is told that the operation was a success, but he would have to report for a daily check up and dressing change for the next 2 weeks while it heals.

After the final examination, the man is told he no longer needs any bandages, but to allow it another week before it gets any "exercise".

The man, not wanting to harm his new appendage, gives it a couple of weeks before he is satisfied that it has healed enough, and to celebrate this decides to "surprise" his girlfriend later that night.

To start the evening off, he takes her to a posh Italian restaurant.

They've placed their order and are chatting over a glass of wine when the waiter brings out a basket of bread rolls.

All of a sudden the man feels a stirring in his trousers, and without warning his new addition breaks out of his trousers, flops up onto the table, gropes around, finds the basket of bread rolls, takes one and disappears.

Dumb struck, the man looks to his girlfriend, hoping she isn't running out the door.

In turn she looks at him with a mixture of surprise and anticipation and says:

"That was AMAZING! Can you do it again?"

Embarrassed, and slightly pained, the man replies:

"I think so...

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But I'm not sure my bottom can take another bread roll just yet!"

Who remembers back in the day before Facebook and Twitter when you used to take a photo of your dinner,
go in to town and get it developed,
then go around to all of your friends house's to show them what you had?

Me neither.

Fucking stop it!

Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day,
a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station,
a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty,
but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office.
It was with the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life.
Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough,
he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.

10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".