The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation,
saying "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars,
you do not give one penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says:
"First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles,
"Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran,
is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly,
that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident," the lawyers voice rising in indignation,
"leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply,
"I had no idea."
The lawyer then says,
"...and if I don't give any money to THEM,
why should I give any to you?"

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
(Logic!! Children are quick and always speak their minds.)
_____________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
_____________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I love this child.)
_____________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir; It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
______________________________
PASS THIS AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!
LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors.
I watched silently for a short while and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

and wouldn't run,
my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day,
I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors.
I watched silently for a short while and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute,
and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said,
"When you finish cutting the
grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again,
but I will always have a limp.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.

I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY!!!:

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian,
I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...
Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom.
Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn?t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.
Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen,
by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream,
torn the lid off and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned.
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn?t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.
I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me,
arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering ?ooooohhh that feels good?
Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn?t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn?t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn?t improve my status?so to sum it up, VEET removes hair,
dignity and self-respect

Upon arriving home,
a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained,
"It's the pharmacist.
He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately,
the husband drove down town to confront the chemist,
and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two,
the chemist told him,
"Now, just a minute,
listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off,
so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car,
just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast,
I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store,
I had a flat tyre.
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people,
all the time the darn phone was ringing."
He continued,
"Then I had to break a roll of 10p coins against the cash register drawer to make change,
and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up,
and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.
"And believe me mr,
as God is my witness,
all I did was tell her."

I got called in to the manager's office today.
"I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.
There have been several complaints."
"Really.. Why..?"
"You haven't been wearing the Uniform we provided"
"I got hot."
"I don't care.
You're Santa.
And Santa doesn't sit around Debenhams foyer in his fucking underpants."

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says
" My son, I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: ''What does a priest know of sex?"
He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced... for the answer.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply..
Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:
A man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge...
A Rabbi..
The Rabbi ponders the question and states,
''My son, sex is definitely play.''
The man replies,
''Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!''
The Rabbi softly speaks,
''If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do it."

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
Jim answered,
''We've got twelve trucks,
ten utilities,
three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.''
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.

A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says,
"Hey, you're a duck..!"
"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK," says the barman.
"Guess your ears are fine too," answers the duck.
"Now, can have a beer please..?"
The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him,
"So, what brings a duck like you to these parts..?"

"Oh," says the duck,
"I work on the building site across the road.
We'll be here for a couple of weeks,
and I'll most likely be in every lunch hour for a pint."
The duck slurped down his beer, wiggling his tail happily.

The next day,
just as he said,
the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunch time lager.

The next week,
the circus comes to town on its annual round.
The Circus owner wanders in for a pint and the barman tells him about the talking duck.
"You should get this duck to join your circus," he says.
"For a little consideration,
I could hook you up with this duck and you could make lots of bucks.
Everyone would love to see a talking duck don't you think?"

The circus man nods excitedly while sipping his beer,
the barman agrees to talk to the duck about the circus.

The following day,
the duck comes in at lunch time as he had been for those many days.
The barman says to the duck (with dollar signs in his eyes),
"You know, the circus is in town,
and yesterday I was chatting to the owner about you.
He's very interested in you."

"Really..?" says the duck.

"Yeah.
You could make a lot of money there.
I can fix it up for you easily."

"Hang on," said the duck.
"You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?.."
"That's right."

"That's one of those big tent things, isn't it?..
With a big pole in the middle..?"

"Yeah..!"

"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.

"Of course," replied the barman,
"I can get you a job there starting tomorrow.
The circus owner's dead keen on the idea."

The duck, scratching his head and looking very puzzled replied: "But why the fuck would he want to hire a plasterer..?"

A priest was about to finish his tour of duty,
and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he suddenly realizes the one thing he hadn't taught them was English.

So he takes the chief for a walk.
He points to a tree and says
"This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree"

The priest is pleased and points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock.

"Hearing this the chief then grunts "Rock"

The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peak over the top he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The priest is really flusters and says,
"Man riding bike"

The chief looks at the couple briefly,
pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and nice to each other,
so how could he kill these people in cold blood this way?

The chief looks at the priest and replies,
"My bike."