A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It's after midnight.
While en route home,
he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair,
and he wants to catch her in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights,
yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts,
'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card
bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side,
the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says,
'What would you do?
The cabby replies,
'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a fucking
cold.’

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office,
but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you £100 if you let me have sex with you."

The girl looked at him and then said,
"NO!"

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast.
I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down,
and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment,
and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.
She called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend said,
"Ask him for £200,
and pick up the money really fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,
"What happened?"

Still breathing hard,
she managed to reply,
"The bastard had all pennies!"

A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price," said the man.
"Yet I just heard you close the deal for £65,000 to the lovely young lady there.
You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and,
just look at her,
how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.
"There you go," she said.
"I told you I would get the prick to reduce it.
See you later, dad."

My wife left me

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She said it was because of my pasta obsession!

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Now I'm feeling cannelloni!

Police have arrested a woman for stealing a sign reading;

"& Emergency".

She claimed she found it by Accident.

I got sacked from my job at Carpetright today.
Apparently saying
"Do you fancy a shag"
to the customers as they walked through the entrance was inappropriate.

Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone's yard.
The driver says:
"That is great.
Me and my wife do that every night."
The passenger replies,
"My wife is conservative,
she likes the old fashioned way.
But if you tell me how do you get your wife to do this,
I would like to try it."
The driver says: "Give your wife two martinis and she will be all set."
The next morning they're cruising along and the driver asks
"How was it?"
The passenger answers:
"It was great,
but it took my
wife ten martinis."
The driver looks at him funny and says
"TEN MARTINIS?"
The passenger says
"Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!"

Man walks into a library and asks if they have any books on hemorrhoids.

The librarian says
''yeah,
loads, mate,
take as many as you want.
We've got piles of them blocking up the back passage.''

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt,
I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers.
" Hey cheeky," She said,
as she gave me a playful kick.
"I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls skirts isn't it?"
" That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, Madam," I said sternly,
" I don't even work here"......

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies,
"Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona,
the other is in Colorado .
When we all left our home in Texas we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom,
and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar,
and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day,
he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief,
but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment,
then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."