*How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor*

~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it grey inside and out, and live in it for six months.

~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

~ Repaint your entire house every month.

~ Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the showerhead to chest level.
When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

~ Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head
every time you pass through them.

~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

~ On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. ~ Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

~ Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

~ Have your neighbour come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave
out and trice up."

~ Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you.

~ Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm.

~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

~ Have your neighbour collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

~ Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch,
then show a different one.

~ Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait
in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but < BR>they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

~ Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

~ Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)

~ Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil
the garden hose.

~ Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on
how fast they respond.

~ Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready ." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

~ Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

~ When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

~ Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

~ Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take th em to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been cancelled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

Classic things to say when stressed
"Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"
"You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"
"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
"Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
"Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
"Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
"Do I look like a fucking people person!"
"This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
"I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
"I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
"YOU!!... off my planet!!!"
"Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"
"Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"
"Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"
"And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"
"I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
"Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
"Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
"I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"
"Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
"Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
"I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"
"I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
"Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."
"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
"Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
"Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done."
"Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
"You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
"Earth is full. Go home."
"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
"I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
"A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
"You are depriving some village of an idiot."
"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."

You sink your teeth into a steak and
they stay there.
You have too much room in the house
and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer
for your friends whoexercised.
You know all the answers but nobody asks
you the questions.
You turn out the lights for economic
rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't
get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt,
doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun
hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after and you
haven't been anywhere.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go
up and down when you see a pretty girl.
The little old gray-headed lady you help
across the street is yourwife.
Your little black book contains only names
ending in M.D.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder
and find it leaningagainst the wrong wall.

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?

When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is
one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny
replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie
said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your
panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you
so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my
bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She
tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her
frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and
she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the
little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
"Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my
teeth cough."

D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How
much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging
and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them,
he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his
Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know
what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my
wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read:
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of
the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt
Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly,
rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a
while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget this particular
Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms
extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned
face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued
but at that moment her very obedient daughter (who was
listening!) leaned over to her and asked quite audibly in her
shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
5. You can open all your own jars.
6. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
7. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
8. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
9. All your orgasms are real.
10. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
11. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
12. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
13. Your last name stays put.
14. You can kill your own food.
15. The garage is all yours.
16. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
17. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
18. You never have to clean a toilet.
19. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes. YUP!!!!
20. You don't have to shave below your neck.
21. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
22. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
23. You can write your name in the snow.
24. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
25. Chocolate is just another snack.
26. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
27. Flowers fix everything.
28. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
29. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
30. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
31. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
32. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
33. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
34. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
35. You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
36. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
37. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
38. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
39. One mood, all the time
40. You can admire a famous person without starving yourself to look like him.
41. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
42. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
43. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
44. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
45. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
46. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
47. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
48. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
49. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
50. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
51. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
52. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
53. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
54. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
55. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
56. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
57. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
58. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
59. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
60. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.

A mother is walking with her five year-old son through the zoo when they reach the elephant cage. The boy looks with amazement at the large xxxxx and asks his mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"

His mother replies "That's his trunk".

The little boy goes, "I know that, the thing to the other side of the trunk."

The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail".

The boy goes, "I know that! No, what's that big thing hanging down in between the trunk and tail."

The mother, wanting to avoid this subject all together, just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the next exhibit.

Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"

The dad replies, "That's his trunk."

"No, behind that!" says the kid.

"Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father.

"NO, in-between the trunk and the tail!" yells the kid.

His dad replies, "Son, that's the elephant's penis."

The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it was nothing."

His father replied, "Son, that's because your mom's been spoiled."

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

Universal truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
1 The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
2 No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.