A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...

Hard to Find

Supportive

Comfortable

Always Lifts You Up

Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging

And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops, when they decide to hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags.

The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it, she says "meow," and the cop confirms that it is just a cat.

The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it and she says "woof." The cop says that it is just a dog.

The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it, and she says in her sweetest voice, "POTATO."

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models.
I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...The house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking £950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000.
They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.
It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up.
The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks:
"Anyone know whose phone is this? "

Had a email from a friend that i have know for more than 20+ years the other day.
they went to live in canada sometime ago,her husband left her a few weeks ago.

"Thought I do a bit of baking today, after all, what can be more comforting then a home made steak pie mmmmmmmm

Guess i had something else on my mind though, what do you think?"

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food and
companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Lancaster and mine is in
Preston.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I
haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker.
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit
down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the rubbish truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
rubbish?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt
her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I
said, 'Dust!"

15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then God created woman... Since then, neither
God nor man has rested.

16. Why do men die before their wives?.. Because they want to.

You KNOW your a man when

1, OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Lightweight. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt?". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When girls have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond: "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the 'em in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g! Stitch that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk, however, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant, pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike girls, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad woman?"

23, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there and I may be some time.

Leg cramps.
Sand in your vagina from beach blanket bonko.
Rug burn....Rope burn.
Ejaculation mishaps - like sperm in the eye.
Slipping on a soiled condom.
Gagging.
Swallowing a dental dam. A good reason to learn the Heimlich.
Heart break....Heart attack.
S/M accidents.
Car accidents. You'd be surprised at the statistics.
Lower back pain from trying position #105 in the Kama Sutra.
Having to sleep in the wet spot.
Soreness. The John Wayne stride will give you away.
You may be too tired from fucking all night to get to work!
Coitus Interruptus - embarrassment when caught in the act.
Parental punishment.
Performance anxiety.
Impotence and premature ejaculation.
Disappointment, dissatisfaction.
Blue balls. Blue clit.
Those pesky yeast infections.
Sexually Transmitted Infections - HIV, herpes, gonorrhea, genital warts, etc.
Unwanted pregnancy.
Intestinal parasites from anilingus.
Serious rectum damage. Items with claws and teeth are not recommended.
Items can get lost in the rectum. Emergency room visits are very expensive and can get the attention of the tabloids.
Laws are against you: In many states sodomy, prostitution, and homosexuality are still illegal.
Censorship.
You can lose your bid for presidency.
You could be sued for sexual harassment.
Blackmail.
Some sexual cravings are politically incorrect.
You might go to hell. (Though if you do, lots of other cool people will be there too!)
You could lose your multi-million dollar Christian empire.
Jealousy.
Obsessive/compulsive behavior.
Expensive phone bills from calling 1 900 PEE ON ME.
Guilt.

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

A Gran visits a doctor and tells him she has a terrible discharge. "take off your knickers and lets check" he says and slips a finger in to have a feel around. "how does that feel?" he asks..."fuckin wonderful" she replies "but the discharge is from my ear!!!!"