A general guide to Redneck etiquette...

GENERAL
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
- Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession

PUBLIC SERVICE EXAM
Hello. Welcome to this year's public service entrance exam. I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and a desk so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants.

Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including: an early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work; flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't want to work away from work; plus free use of government stationery - this has been facilitated by the introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building.

I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to Parliament - regardless of whether they fail the intelligence test and ESPECIALLY if they fail the intelligence test.

MATHEMATICS:

Please answer the following question in the spaces provided on your answer sheet.

1. If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2.30pm how long have you had for lunch?

- The answer of course, half an hour.

For those of you who failed the maths test, you may still be eligible to become Mr Howard's tax policy adviser.

MULTIPLE CHOICE:

1. If you are about to take your lunchbreak and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying:

a. Can I help you, madam?
b. Can I help you, miss?
c. What can I do you for, mate?
d. How's tricks, doll-face?

- The correct answer is: None of the above. This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunchbreak, you shouldn't talk to her at all.

2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realise that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say:

a. We are looking into the matter
b. Can I get back to you on this one?
c. The matters have been referred to another committee
d. I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.

The correct answer is that you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension.

SPELLING:

Spell the following words:
a. Tea
b. Sickie
c. Lunchbreak
d. Go-slow

This is the end of the examination. Please sign your exam paper illegibly and pass it to those collecting them, while denying that you have ever seen or heard anything about it.

WATER
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half world population)
2. In 37% of the population, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

COKE
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of aluminium foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminium foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

For Your Info
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke?

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would make up their faces in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
against the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would do it again.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had
to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowel,
and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

A Public Health Warning For Men...

WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing," and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care. "You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine," and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement Often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman Can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead." At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. (this term is rarely used)

THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing.

One day, when I was a freshman in high school,
I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.
His name was Kyle.
It looked like he was carrying all of his books.
I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?
He must really be a nerd.'
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.
They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.
His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks. '
They really should get lives.
He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!'
There was a big smile on his face.
It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.
As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before.
He said he had gone to private school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books
He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.
I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends
He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.
I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!
He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.
When we were seniors we began to think about college.
Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem.
He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship.
Kyle was valedictorian of our class.
I teased him all the time about being a nerd.
He had to prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak
Graduation day, I saw Kyle.
He looked great.
He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.
He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days.
I could see that he was nervous about his speech.
So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!'
He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
'Thanks,' he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began
'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.
Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach..but mostly your friends...
I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.
I am going to tell you a story.'
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.
He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
'Thankfully, I was saved.
My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.'
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.
I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.

Never underestimate the power of your actions.
With one small gesture you can change a person's life.
For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for Good in others.

You now have two choices, you can:

1) Pass this on to your friends or

2) Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart.

As you can see, I took choice number 1
'Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.'

There is no beginning or end.. Yesterday is history.

Tomorrow is a mystery.

Today is a gift.

ACCIDENT REPORT
This is an accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.
This is the bricklayer's report, a true story.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block no. 3 of the accident report form.
I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident,
I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which,when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley,which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly,
I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone,as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent,not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope,in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.
The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move,I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

Time To Fight Back...

TELEMARKETING COMEBACKS
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If you get one of those pushy people who won’t shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you’ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

4. If the person says he’s Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

5. This one works well if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I’m with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can’t believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don’t have any friends... would you be my friend?"

9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That’s fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger.

11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How’s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel!"

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland " The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I!
And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."
The first guy responds,
"Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says,
"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!!
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers,
"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says,
"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers,
"Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims,
"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, a woman walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender, walks over to her, shaking his head &
mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!
The woman asks,
"Why do you say that?"
The bartender responds,



"The Murphy twins are pissed again."

Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be...

Here are some facts from the 1500s
Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, next all the other sons and men, next the women and finally the children; last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it; hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs (thick straw) piled high, with no wood beneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof; hence the saying It's raining cats and dogs. Maybe you can step in a poodle

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up a bed. A bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection; hence, canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt, and only the wealthy had something other than dirt; hence the saying dirt poor.

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entryway; hence a threshold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while; hence the rhyme, peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot - nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon.
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leak onto the food causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days, and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up; hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small, and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin, up through the ground, and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night the graveyard shift to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be 'saved by the bell' or was considered 'a dead ringer'.

And that's the real truth...(Whoever said that History was boring?)