Swen and Ole worked together and both were laid off so they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said,
"Panty stitcher, I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher.
Finding it to be unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Swen was asked his occupation,
"Diesel fitter," he replied.
Since deisel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Swen $600 a week unemployment pay.
When Ole found out he was furious.
He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained that 'panty stitcher' was unskilled, where as 'diesel fitter' was a skilled labor.
"WHAT SKILL?" yelled Ole, I sew the elastic onto the panties then Swen puts them over his head and says,
"Yah! these'll fitt 'er"

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

[url]http://content.usatoday.com/communities/driveon/post/2012/04/man-sues-bmw-for-persistent-erection-after-bike-ride/1[/url]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a
single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are perverts

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

THE 27 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!