My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..

I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. .. I am touching wax!!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and ... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!!

It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...?

THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road.
Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn't move.
He finally brought the truck to a halt inches from them.
The truck driver got out and stormed:
"What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!"
The man replied nonchalantly:
"Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming.
You were the only one with brakes."

If you're going to quit a job, there's no better way than doing it in style, as this bloke did during the recent windy weather here in the U.K.

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression,"S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F,Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

Dear Mum and Dad...
It has now been three months since I left for College.
I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before.
I will bring you up to date now but before you read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now.

The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire
shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm,
and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance.
He also visited me at the Hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out Dormitory,
he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.
It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married.
We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant.
I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love,
devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him.
This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.

Although he is of a different race and religion than ours,
I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour
is somewhat different than ours.
I am sure you will love him as I do.
His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer
in the village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date,
I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire,
I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture.
I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant,
I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any colour) in my life.
However, I got a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Things could be worse... Your Loving Daughter, Linda.

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100? 'Are you nuts?!!!' she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. 'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks again.
'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ; 'Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?'
She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there .'
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
'Nah', says the Scotsman... 'Costs too much...'

Signs and Slogans:

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry? Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

THE DAM ISSUE
No idea if this is made up or genuine...

--------------------------------------------

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec.20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries,

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property.
You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301,
Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event,
causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.
We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.
The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location,
and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams
from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31 2002.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection
may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may
result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division

--------------------------------------------

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.
I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining
two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project,
I think they would be highly offended that you call their skilful use of natural building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place
you choose.
I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills,
their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence,
their dam determination and/ or their damwork ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior
to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers
or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act,
I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301,
Inland Lakes and Streams,of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation?
The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.
The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.
In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition – please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter being unable to read English).
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue,the grass is green and water flows downstream.
They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.
If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name,it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.)So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned,this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.
Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area.
It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods.
I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine,I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,

Stephen L.Tvedten.