WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $500 0. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.
Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Coucil Tenants...

In the following (allegedly) authentic complaints received by local Councils from their tenants,there are several points which might be misconstrued and seen as a source of amusement by those of low intellect and immature sense of humour.
For the rest of us, this will serve as a morally improving example
of the crude innuendo enjoyed by the masses:

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

- I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

- Their 18-year-old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence. Not only is this making a hell of a noise,
but the fence is now sagging in the middle.

- This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.

- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

- I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet
and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

- I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

- Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

- Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

- I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 5.30 his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much.
It's all right when my husband is on day-shift,
but when he's on back-shifts or nights I get it several times a week from Mr Docherty next door and at my age it's too much.

- The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

- Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third,
so will you please send someone to do something about it.

- The toilet seat is cracked where do I stand?

- I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something
about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

- Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.

- Can you send a carpenter to the house. When the woman next door closed the door the other night,
she pulled at my knob too hard and now it's ready to fall off.

- I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.

Kids...

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4. An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

5. A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked.

Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

6. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

7. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

ETERNAL TRUTHS

1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.

7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

8. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.

9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

10.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

11.If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

12.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

13.Some days are a total waste of makeup.

14.Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15.A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

16.Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

17.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

18.Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

19.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

20.By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21.Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself

Letter from a farm kid, now at San Diego Marine Corps Recruit Depot.


Dear Ma and Pa

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split,fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad,there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,and stuff, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant,pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon,when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.

A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice,but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in little metal boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break realeasy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.

I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

"LITTLE JOHNNY"

Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of
liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles.
The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing?
Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world."
The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world.
Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"
Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"

DAY 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary... not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
DAY 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
DAY 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
DAY 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
DAY 5
What absolute bliss!!
DAY 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
DAY 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. Hubby thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I’ve ever been so happy.
DAY 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed-whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
DAY 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
DAY 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
DAY 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
DAY 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
DAY 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
DAY 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me.
DAY 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself...and he did.
DAY 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
DAY 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference......Oh NO!!! Here he comes again.
DAY 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!