checking in... this place is fine without the likes of me, eh?

I'm working overtime at least 2-3 days per week.. with offers of more. I'm trying to figure out why I'm not on the list for QA to do evals for... but I guess I can't complain.
My daughter caught a bad cold/flu at the wedding. Her knees and foot are still in a bad way. And I'm perplexed by her health decline.

I'm rounder, softer and not feeling like exercising, I know I'll get fatter at this rate... weaker, etc... but I just don't care.

I still go see Lanky, talk with his family.
My daughter and I went to my sister's home for St Pats.. it was nice. Last night I went to see my NN musician friend play at the Royal. The band sounds good. I don't plan to go to many concerts over the next few months. Too many other things are far more important to me. same with this place... don't expect me here much. Just no reason for... much of anything.

bye for a while.

today's my ex's wedding. I'm not sure how long my kidlet's been gone, but I hope she's okay. Her knee on one side, and foot on the other were KILLING her the last few days.

I decided there's no need for me to go to the St Patrick's day celebratory rock concert down at the Royal. Royal Bliss's annual bash. I'll be staying in, eating leftovers and just trying to figure out how to pay all my bills.

Wishing you a Happy St Patrick's weekend. I'll be celebrating with my sister and her guy's family ON St Patrick's day itself... He is Irish. I'm part Irish, is that enough?

Not sure how I'm really feeling... there are times when I'm almost okay, and then, I'm falling apart. No real ups but at times a decent place.

Tomorrow is the last day of my Specialist assignment. It's bee enjoyable sharing my feedback and insights, teaching and supporting the newbies there, at work. I'll miss it, but I already am sure at least one or two of the new reps will be on the newly restructured team I'll be on. Where I work, we're in constant flux. Forever changing, growing or slowing and shrinking.


My daughter's issues are increasing in too many ways... I'm anxious about how to address them all, really. Honestly watching her with the thought of her tearing her other knee's cartilage, damaging her foot and her weight gain, increased depression, and freaking out over her father's upcoming wedding... I'm not sure how to help her, or well... handle this. Plus, she's talking with men, thinking of dating yet refusing to leave our home to do so... I'm not sure she's ready for anything... any more than I think I'M ready for anything.

I'm falling apart of her health and behaviors. I'm triggered into weird issues over the wedding coming up and her reactions to it. I'm frustrated with my own depressive state, and inability to use FMLA, now that they've termed it temporarily, until I get a doctor or therapist to fill out the paperwork to extend or increase it for me.

I'm hearing from Alex's family less and less... and from Lanky's more and more... and he's reminding me of both his hopes and things to focus on achieving when he can return to the valley... including whisking me away for a much needed break from life together. While I agree we both need it... I'm not sure how we'd make it happen... if we can have much of any sort of relationship at this point. I'm barely capable of being a mother, let alone anything else. My daughter seemed to love the necklace I'd made for her but she's stuffed it into a corner of her pile of stuff.... so.... *sigh* oh well. She gets so jealous when I do things for Lanky or support anyone. And then she balks when I try to show that to her. I don't get it.

I'm losing the battles. I'm feeling lost and alone, scared and like emptiness will be all I have. Nothing more.

enjoyed work today.. the hours went by quickly, and I missed out on one of my breaks... oh well. I was glad to come home. It seemed more relaxing. The crock pot supper was pretty nice.
I'm still pathetic, and weepy. and ready to fall apart at any moment. I hate it. I want to force this to end... but when I try it comes back with a vengeance.
I am not sure what to do about this... or how to fix myself.
Maybe I'm not supposed to?

sorry

working on the necklace for my daughter. lovely so far.

will be wearing comfortable shoes all next week. God, I hope I have some... Nods, brown Sketcher butt-shaper thingies... so I'll have to wear something other than black or gray with them, ergggghhhh. My boots will do okay, too, I hope. I'll be on my feet 8 hours, so I'll be feeling it.

there is nothing else to say, other than I'm depressed and not able to handle much. I'm stressed, and giving into practical thoughts, and letting go of dreams that just can't and won't come true.

I'm okay... I hang on like a dingleberry. *sigh* that's kinda what I feel like. wedged into the buttcrack of life.

oh, by the way mine is fresh and squeaky clean. All my body is, and shaven smooth. Not like there's any valid reason other than I like the feel of smooth skin where there once was a thick jungle, when I'm playing enough to get juicy and all drippy... it's easier to clean and well... I sometimes fantasize about a face buried down there, lipping, tonguing and nibbling down there... maybe one day that dream can cum true. but for now... I just don't feel like even hoping.

okay, sorry for sharing my low mood. Just picture me trying to lift it back up to decent... with my super long needlenose pliers and cutters, and other tools, gouging out lines in the soft copper wire, as I twist and bend it into swirls and curlies hooking green glass beads, and copper ones within and together, and adding chain links here and there. It's coming together, and will adorn my growly grumbly daughter's neck. She was touched that I was making this for her, since she's been bitterly sure I'd never get to it. God, I can't take spring fever, let alone the negativity. It's making my own mood worse. It's worse than it's been for a while... remember when I admitted I'd fantasized about putting my gun in my mouth with my windows up and doors locked, in the parking garage at work? well, it's about like that, which scares me... so, I seek out and reach out to people who seem to care. I'm falling apart. It's lovely blue skies and clouds outside and I'm in here, cold and lonely and it feels so dark to me...

time to take an awkward walk with a load of wash down the steps from my apartment, across the parking lot to the laundry room. I'm glad that is available. I'll carry them back, wet and heavy, back up to dry them in my dryer.

I'm not okay, don't try to tell me I am, please. Don't pray for strength for me, I already KNOW I'm strong enough to survive the shit I ended... I don't need to have to go through more, just because someone doesn't know how prayer and the universe works.... I need a shoulder to cry on, spilling hot tears all over. I need arms around me... fuck... I've got to stop dreaming. I need to change my name here. Not sure what to, yet. I need to build walls high enough that no one enters my heart again. I need to hide myself away, and just forget what I want. It was burned to ashes with his body. I need to let go of it all, and look at the cold hard and brutal world and just get through it... muddling through.

I've been wondering... are there any men who've cheated on their wives? Are there ANY men who'd never touch another woman? Do all men mess around with someone else? I know... I've read enough books that explain that sex is just a physical need to satisfy, like breathing, eating, etc, for men.

I'm beginning to doubt in the existence of a man who could love want, and need me in his life as friend, lover and woman he loves to be with... I just don't know if that's possible. I just don't think there's any such thing as a man who'd be... mine.

My daughter says that she fully believes that I'll be found by loved and desired, respected and married, within the next five years... I just don't see how that could happen. I have so little faith in... well, the male gender.

Desire isn't enough, being a good and caring woman isn't enough... being me, will never be enough or more than enough, for anyone. There are too many ways to play behind a back. Too many people who need to play... and not enough value placed on a woman who's decided to be careful, and honest, and well... herself.

I've been cheated on, used, and tossed aside. I've been lied to, and manipulated and I've been let go, to simply drift away. What is there, to prove I've got a chance? How will I ever go back to believing in the hope and positive I once thought I could have?

I dunno. I'm tired. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of believing in a fairy tale.. in a dream. I had the closest thing I'll ever have, to that fairy tale called love. It's all I'll ever have. I'll be able to find thankfulness again, for it. But knowing I'll never have it in person, completely, in my life.. hurts so deeply. I didn't get to experience it, in person, except in our last few hours together. We never made love, sexually. And I'll never know what that is like, because finding a love that's strong at all is too rare a thing to expect.

Please, forgive me. But I'm hurting and sorrowing. I'm struggling internally with the fact that I lost what I'd wanted all my life. What I'd believed in and never gotten, until I had him... but I didn't get to fully know what it was like. I'll never know what it's like to feel the touch of love when I wake up, whether just the brush of his skin against mine, or a kiss, or sex. That was taken from me. Karma must recall something terrible from a past life, and has decided to punish me as harshly as possible.

Going to bed now, to cry myself to sleep.

back for a bit... news update...

I'll be off the phones most of next week. I was chosen to have time as a specialist walking the floors and assisting "nesters"
the newbies on the floor, who're taking phone calls and needing pointers and help in general... I'm stoked! Means I'll basically only be using my phone when I'm dealing with my overtime *sigh*
Back when I was newer to this place... that was how they tested and then groomed you for a position higher up. I wouldn't mind it... I think.

I'll be spending time with my baby sis and her daughters, along with my kidlet, this weekend... a girl's afternoon, or something. It'll be good. My nieces love my daughter, and need her influence and attention. I'm glad we're getting closer and spending more time together... family.

time for me to get ready for bed soon. I'm running out of steam.
Night,
a bientot.

tired... what can I say, but I won't be contributing much, just came to say HI, and reply to messages.
Long days, and sleep deprivation are going to wear me down quickly. Oh well... I have a job, I'm earning overtime and I've got things to focus my time and mind upon.

night.

Sunday started out with contemplations of how I'm moving through grief, and acceptance. Then I dove into the shower and drove up to spend time with a friend, in Bountiful. We both are artists, so we worked on watercolor paintings together. She finished hers... lovely. A rendition of one of her photos from her trip to South Africa with her honey. Mine is fantasy/myth based... mermaid, in green. She'll get finished.. eventually. I'll share it on FB.

Today was a long day... of back to back to back to back phone calls. But at one point I was able to get a frustrated confused lady laugh and break out into chortles... I'm a clown, what can I say? It still weirds a few people out. They see me as sober, stuffy, refined... dressed fashionably and presume I'm professional... well, USUALLY, I am... butt hen someone feels.. like a sister, or a kindred soul... and I show my nuttier side, and let that all hang out, and I get a smirk or ten... And then, I know my job has rewards you can't count in pennies and dimes. It's in relieving someone of their struggles for a moment or twenty. And, then there are times when I prove to some poor aching soul that someone knows their anguish, too. And I bend backwards to make something real and impacting happen for them. MAGIC, and Miracles.... that's what I have the power to achieve.. at times... and when I can, the world is brighter for a second, or for an afternoon, if I'm lucky... I see pain on faces when they overhear me holding back the tears, sharing about my daughter, my mother or about my sweetheart. And I realize that maybe... just maybe someone somewhere is a little more appreciative of what they HAVE, or have had in their lives.

Our choices impact countless lives. We may not realize how someone may be watching us and how we handle things... and that they LEARN from it. Some times in life changing ways, good, or bad. Our lives our words.. they affect others. I KNOW mine do. I've helped lighten loads. I've taught people to make insurance WORK FOR them, not against them.. and I pay it forward in some way every day. I push an authorization forward, because my Alex's sat too long to help him. I refuse to let someone go through the terrifying affects of withdrawal symptoms if I can help them. And I teach someone how to prepare for loss, or how to work with their ailing parents, and where to go for help and support. I don't get paid enough monetarily, for the job I really do. THAT work is free... I GIVE, I LOVE, and I learn from them, because many are eager to return the favor and express utmost gratitude that they will never need to give. For, to me, it's my JOB. It's my purpose... to love and give. And so... I do.

I'm working on a gift for my daughter. The dress I'd bought for her is lovely with her strawberry blond Afro, and her ever changing eyes.. from amber-gold to green to silver, and back again. I'm designing a set of jewelry. green glass and copper wire and beads, and knots of metal, twisted into loving messages of a mother's love, for her daughter. She needs this treasure from me. She needs to see her own value, and maybe she can one day. She knows that I see mine and that it catches at the eyes of others around me. They know I know I'm of worth. I just at times forget and recede into the angst and heartaches of my past self.

I'm learning, my friends. I'm learning that those of us who never accept and acknowledge our heart aches and responsibilities for our mistakes, for damage done both by us, and to ourselves, by ourselves and others... and of our own value to those around us, will never truly comprehend the importance of making the best choices, of avoiding ones that will garner guilt, and of our responsibility to be our best, as much as we can, so we cause no harm, seek no harm, and fully embrace the good in those we love and slough off the anger, bitterness and sorrows, as things that simply are, but need not affect us in a negative way. They just.. ARE. How simply our pains heal then, and how quickly we can gain and give forgiveness. Because it's part of the cycle of life. Why not make life more joyous and beautiful, with this knowledge and this gift? this all can be achieved, simply taking responsibility for choices and for our own reactions and responses and simplifying our dramas into instances and happenings that will be as they happen, and nothing personal.. they are... just... there.