wow, our warm spring got blown away
...by the blustery storm that came through here...
winds smashing against the building,
thunder and rains...
and, for the past few hours...
SNOW
SNOW SNOW

.... snow, in thick clots of flakes pummeled us earlier
It's still falling.

The whole area blanketed and,
the geese and Mallards sit and walk around in a daze.
This is breeding time...
Nesting and mating had commenced,
so we'll see how well goslings and ducklings will turn out.

I'd hoped to get a couple loads of laundry done...
but there's no way I want to haul a basket full of things up and down in this weather, in this condition...
so, I guess I'll do a little more straightening up and take yet another break...
this time...
finally, for some food.

Things are S-L-O-W-L-Y (I Do stress slowly) getting better in this place. My goal... to have everything back to better than it was before this catastrophic disaster happened to my home.
maybe it was a good thing.
It requires us to both put forth much, much MUCH more effort to getting everything sorted out...
and simplifying it all is an absolute need at this point.
I'm hoping that IF I'm careful... maybe we can get a used sofa in a couple of weeks, or a cheap futon to put in here, so when somebody comes to visit, a niece, or other family or friend.. they'll have someplace to sleep.
Who knows... I can pray and hope and wish.
Noooooo... not just yet... a washer is a MUST.
Fix it if I can, or replace it...
Gotta be done SOON, because I just can't take this
in addition to all I've already got on my plate. Then again if I'm wise and careful... maybe we can have BOTH. Need to dig out my leather work gloves a few sizes too huge.. and open up the back of that washing machine and see what I can do to replace the belt myself. That will have to wait until next weekend.

Oh, on the other side of things... I'll be posting artwork, prints of same, and... my jewelry on eBay and etsy soon. For those interested... please let me know, and I'll send a link to it, so you can take a peek, and maybe buy something, if desired. To be honest, I want to build myself back up to selling it all, regularly again. I miss having regular sales to count on, and use for the cost of supplies, shipping, and, for things we need.

hugs from a snow bound, stuffy nosed woman, who's thankful for hot soup and afghans to wrap around myself.

Mmmm, here I go, off on yet another tangent...
I love the handiwork gifted to me by those ladies who've meant so much to me. Today, I vacuum packed a hand-made quilt made by my great-grandmother, which matches the one she'd made for me as a baby... that was way back when, lol... and it's in perfect shape. The queen sized one, not the baby quilt. And then there's the afghan my deceased step-mother-in-law made for me... both safe and sound now, in the bottom of my blanket chest. I'll keep the lap afghan my grand mother gave me when she was lovingly creating dozens of them and donating those to nursing homes...
I'll keep it out, to use regularly, and one other throw. And, then there's also my red and white starred white quilt, that will go back into my ottoman, for guests to use.

I'm very much looking forward to getting my place back into homey status. I was once proud of how welcoming it was. I want that again... Now, is too much to expect, until a sofa or something can be afforded... but, I know this... it will be very close to the home I once saw it to be.
It WILL be...
Soon.

...the capital building - a flag waving, crackling in the winds... then, the towering city buildings clusters below and to the south(nothing compared to the one I've seen in REAL big cities, but still..) your eyes take in the breath taking scene... not the city, but the full view... those immensely impressive granite giants reaching up to touch the sky... the Rocky Mountains.. the Wasatch Front behind that city and the greenery surrounding it. Still touched with white, their color shows through as Spring caresses and teases the Salt Lake Valley... to see that vista is a delight... for it means two things...

I've had time with a man I adore, and had my fill of his reports on how he's doing, his concern and suggestions on how to deal with my daughter's troubles and his reminders of how he values my role in his life...
the second is... I'm heading home and get to wrap a hug around my daughter, and spend the rest of the day or evening with her.

God knows how much I miss one of the most impacting friends I've had in my life... a man who's taught me hard lessons, and I've taught him what their effect was upon me and other women... and his support and help through trials and challenging times.
I miss my daughter. I miss who she once was, and can be.. well, I'd like to think so, anyway... I still see that amazing person shine and peek out once in a while as the sun when cloaked in cloud cover. I miss my daughter. I miss believing that she can lead a normal healthy and happy life. I miss hope. I miss her smile and I want so badly to ease her pain...

Today no only I have a miserable cold, but so does she.. again. And, we've still got her horrible messes to fix throughout the apartment. She's moping now, because I advised her that the natural consequences for catastrophic choices are cleaning up and rectifying the situation, not enjoying an outing or getting away. Besides, we're sick and I've got 10 hour days ahead of me this week. I'm NOT looking forward it one bit... but I know I'm stuck, so there's little I can do. She's an adult. She sounds like a child, doesn't she? *Shaking head sadly* She's an adult, but she refuses to grow up. Some part of her is frozen there and refuses to wake up and take responsibility as hers. I don't know how to help her. But I'm done letting her get her way. An adult needs to be responsible for their choices and be held accountable for them in every way. Otherwise they end up like her, or her father, or my Lanky friend. God, I'm a mommy forever. I'd like to be just ME, at some point in time. I held my now ex accountable finally for his choices and behaviors. I'm holding Lanky and my daughter accountable for theirs. I have always had to face the consequences of my own behavior and choices... so why the hell do so many people in this world believe they don't? I'm confused by it... at a loss. What makes selfish thoughtless people better than those of us who CARE about our responsibility?

Karma kicked Lanky in the ass, big time... He needed that wake up call, and I'm hoping he'll man up for good, and recognize that he's got to lead his life, not follow it aimlessly. same goes for my kidlet. God knows I love her but I'm done allowing her to abuse me, use me and get away without the consequences that she's earned!!!

I'd like Karma to be there for me, when I finally get some good that might stay a while... if I'm lucky maybe it will happen before I'm too old and senile to know or care, or realize what just happened.

is it Spring yet?

I saw tulips in my neighbor's little flower garden... Not something she's had before, but still.. it was lovely to see green with sweet red flowers.

is it spring where you are?

I'm glad to say that today was the first time my daughter's not fought argued and been flagrantly rude to me in weeks... months really.
I've hated having to come home to rage and aggression and irrational assumptions and reactions. Mental and emotional illnesses are a nightmare to work through without help. I'm still on edge and falling apart over it, but taking a xanax last night helped me. A visit with her step mom helped her. The woman was given a gift certificate and chose to spend it on a luxurious dinner with her kids... her youngest son, and our daughter. I'm hoping that having her support as well as mine and... maybe even, eventually her fathers, will be healing for her. I DO SO HOPE. Because I've got little left to give before I'm an empty shell incapable of picking up the pieces and cleaning up the disasters.

My daughter has sever anxiety issues... which leads to irrational behaviors and reactions,too extreme to imagine. Yesterday, she thought she was helping me.. I'd mentioned I'd be asking her to help me on the weekend, to move a few things around in my bedroom.
I got home to not only a HELLISH nightmare mess in my bedroom, but as bad of one in the living room... she'd moved stuff around out there, brought boxes out of a corner behind my bedroom door and lugged them out into the middle of the living room, thinking she'd helped me. Oh, GOD... THIS is her mind set, and she honestly thought she'd done something incredibly wonderful for me...
The things in the living room that belong there, weren't supposed to be moved from one area to the other until after we could afford and buy a new couch... only THEN were things to be rearranged.
She has NO clue what she's doing is chaotic and frustration.. DEVASTATING to her mother. Exhausting and wasteful as far as her own health and energy. She's still got torn cartilage and ligaments... I've NO clue what damage she'd done to herself yesterday in her desperation to "help" me...

THIS is the tragic sort of insanity that I've had to watch within my daughter... Her father raged, smashed things, went insane... had three distinct personalities... and he was terrifying to be around. I'd never trusted him. I couldn't. I can't count on my own life being calm and peaceful, because of my daughter's mental emotional state...
What CAN I do??? Understand this... I DO NOT have money to afford medical care for her, let alone for myself. I'm paying off old medical debts. I'm barely scraping by from month to month, and right now, the only way I MAKE it.. is that I'm getting overtime. It's helping. So don't try to convince me that I have the money. I've taken heaps of undies back to their spots in shops when I'm addicted to them... I am obsessed with panties, lace and sexy things... but I'm not buying them for myself right now... I'm trying to follow the steps too. I'm trying to get things paid, and taken care of ASAP. I need to. I HAVE to, for any hope for a future, I MUST.

I'm flailing, and struggling, but I know I'll find some way to make it. I HAVE to. I NEED to. I MUST. I've got the one treasured miracle I was blessed with right here, and terrified that I'll have her locked away, because I just can't handle her episodes and how they're escalating rapidly. I'm scared for her.
But like I said, today she had time with her father, step and step brother, and she was fine... and, she seemed to appreciate my attention and time.

I've got a busy weekend ahead... a visit with Lanky... and working to clean up the hell my daughter created in my own room and in other ones in our home... Right now... this is NOT a home. This is a mess. I'm uncomfortable in my own home, and that should NEVER be the case.

Now, I need a tall strong drink...
... of blueberry lemonade.
I don't have alcohol in my home. No need, no desire.
So I'm a good girl, okay?? I try to be a good example of a healthy person...
blueberry lemonade sounds good to me... clinking ice to the glass, and...
Anyone want some?

this one is just too naughty and heated to resist...

these guys recently released this album... yes, I'm into them... Witness is heavenly, positive lifts my mood.. this one.. stirs my heat, and reflects how there are times when I wish I aroused someone to a lovely sinful level... there were times when I did and it was delicious to experience.. BTW, I'm not very experienced... but I know what feels good... something primal is awakened within me by this song... a tantalizingly lusty hunger.

a song that I listen to in my car... uplifting to me.. I need it.

I'll accept it and be careful not to read anything else into it.

There will be no need for me take time off for my friend. He won't need it, and doesn't know yet why.
But I do, so I'll simply put his things back into place in his room, inform his landlord that he'll be returning home, and thank him for his patience and kindness. I'll add a little gas to the tank on his car, and I'll make sure his keys are waiting for him. I'll see him eventually. I'm requested to not tell him what I know. And I'll do my best to pretend I don't know, and be grateful I'll not have to take a day without pay.

His sister reminded me that I'm not family and that I am simply a friend, nothing more. I am sure that I needed that, let's face it... I got the email today, from her...

interesting timing... for, you see...

I'd just woke up from the nap I'd taken after coming home exhausted from a long shift of work, to a dream that he'd cheated on me, played like he used to, and that I was just a friend, and... only where I am right now, due to him having no one else who loves him, close enough geographically, to step in and do as I'm doing.
I'll do my best... to remember that part of my dream.
Desperation makes bedfellows out of those who normally wouldn't be. It makes people cling to the only thing they see on the horizon. I MUST remember that... I am not wanted, I am not desired. I'm simply the only woman who stayed and was willing to help. Nothing more.

After my nap I went to my computer and found the message from his sister... it solidified the message my mind was trying to hit me with... while I'm still his friend, I'll be careful to avoid presuming or believing in anything more than friendship.

I'll also distance myself from his family, I suspect they will not care when I disappear from view. I'm only a friend who was close enough.

My mind reminded me that he'd never really wanted me, that he's told me a couple of times in rather blunt ways that I'm not really the kind he's looking for. And, it means I'll limit the friendship, to something more tightly reined in. I'll be ready to let go and walk away.

I'm only temporary anyway, in any man's life.

I'm temporary in anyone and everyone's life.
Life IS temporal, after all.

I know where I stand. I know my place in life.
I am simply one small creature in the universe.
My role is minor.
I'll step back and watch at the sidelines.

form their brand new album. I'm in love with this song.

there are times when I wonder about life in general. And times when I'm so deeply within my own sorrows, or joys I wonder if I've forgotten something important.

All I know is the friends I have are wonderful. And I hope they each know how I feel about them, I truly do.

For now, all I have to offer anyone is friendship and heart felt gratitude.

I'm working hard. I'll keep on doing it. I understand now, how some of my coworkers get hooked on the hours of overtime and what they can do with the money they've earned. I wish I had the ability to sleep and ability to put in hours like that. I'd be able to pay off old debts and deal with my financial issues far easier.

I'm hoping Lanky follows through this time and finds out when he's due to be released. I need to know. I deserve to know as soon as possible, so I can get the day off, to go and get him... take him home to his place and remind him he can't allow himself to stagnate as he'd done for the last 6 months before his jail time. I care about my friends. And he is one of them. Someone I love enough to give hours of my life for, hoping it'll be of help and use. Whether he'll appreciate it later, I can't say, but his family as well as he himself points it out and all say thanks to me often. Not enough family and friends support a wayward soul, who'd wandered down the wrong path for whatever reason. I won't let go of someone who's redeemable, worth the friendship and worth caring for. Hmmm, I'm not normal am I?
I am not sure I wish to be average. I used to want to be like everyone else...
I wanted to be average, not weird and a wallflower. Now, I know I was never meant to be a wallflower, but some kind of flower, I suppose.
What kind am I? I dunno. I hope it's not too stinky, like the Cadaver flower that blooms only once a year, God they smell.. well, like a dead body.. go figure.

I'm not sure what people see in me, nor what attracts them, but I'm learning that it's the whole of me that hooks a few of them to me, flawed and strange 'ol me.
Voice, personality, body... not bad to hear that.

Let me love you as my friend... and I'd like to think that one day a special friendship will grow into something even more glorious... a loving and wonderfully strong love affair/ true relationship. I want that. I crave it. I ache for wish for and dream of it. I want to be fully able to experience it... and be free to be myself, forever in the eyes of the one I love with every breath and heart beat.

Nods, I know... I'm dreaming again. But I'd like to pretend for a while that dreams can come true.
So let me believe for a moment. Tomorrow I'll let go and work my tail off at my job; and try to teach my daughter about reality... the good and positive of it, as well as the need to be practical and realistic. Today, she told me that she can't be Spock. I shook my head sadly, because, she's missing the important parts of life. Stepping back from emotional reactions, to respond with understanding is necessary in so many situations. It's an invaluable tool. And I can't fault it one bit. While some may see me as unfeeling, and too analytical... they're not seeing the real me, are they?
No... not even close.
I'm a passionate, deeply feeling, absolutely loyal woman to her friends, family and lover. I love absolutely.
I express myself in my words, my movements, my eyes, and blush... the way I breath, the way my fingers dance or settle into calmness. I am readable.
Pure and simple. I am... Me.

wondering if sex will feel as good as I think I remember it to be... smiles, well, it does, yeah.. but y'know... I want it with someone who'll make it special for me, because he wants to, for ME... because he cares... aww, well...