The concert tonight was lovely... I enjoyed seeing friends of mine and Lanky's... The Last Wednesday, and got to talk with the girlfriend of the lead singer of that band and got lots of hugs from those two, from everyone in Wayland, too. I met an adorable couple, too. Her name's same as mine, and we enjoyed dancing and singing together, and got our photo taken with band members. Wayland is one hell of a group. They synchronize their movements, hesitations, and music amazingly.. and Such showmanship. I'm eager to see them again. *Nods like a bobblehead.*

*sigh* and I must say one of the other bands also impresses me. WTFS... When The Fight Starts. They're local and very good.

Anyway, I'm growing up to be in love with live rock concerts. Ummmm, can you imagine OLD rickety Dream, in 30 years... Boobs dangling to her knees and stooped, cheering for bands and leering at the boys??? Gadddzzzzzzzz...

My ears are ringing and I've got to be up and ready for work in a few hours. I work from 7am to 11am. Not too bad, then maybe I can take a nap? We'll see.

I've already RSVP'd for another concert in a couple of weeks at The Royal again... I guess I'm forever hooked. Not a bad thing.
Admitting one of the reasons is I'm hoping for more of Spencer's amazing hugs. I honestly need that kind of hugs wrapped around me. I NEED them so much.

One of Wayland's songs hits me hard... They dedicate it to the returning military both the dead and the living... and to return to life here. For me, it's about well... loss of loved ones.. of having to go through the motions... and of the need to stand up and move forward. Adaption to living without the ones I NEED by my side. God knows I'm stuck here... and how I wish I had him alive and by my side. I HATE this cycle and feeling like this heartache will never end. And, I wonder why I placed myself here, to lift up Lanky, when I'm sprawled out in a puddle of my own tears.... but, then... I know.
It's for him. It's for me. It's for Lanky. It's for redemption, and forgiveness. It's for healing and for loving. It's because of the love of men who are dear to me, and deserve to be reminded that they have value. And, that they are alive and real and loved. I don't do this just for Lanky or Alex. I do this for men I love here. For my ex. For future men whom I may love, or hurt. And... it's for my own redemption. For my own healing. And for the man or men I will have in my future... for without doing these things NOW. I cannot be ready for love and ultimate friendship. I know that I'm already on that road... but, it's a long one. And I don't want to walk it alone.
in a few hours the sun will rise.

My ears are still ringing. And, I'm grateful I went to a rock concert down the street from me. I needed it.

some times I get so down, I forget where I once was... deep in the mire, alone, feeling truly hopeless, powerless and tired. Watching people ignore abuse in public, simply to avoid getting in the middle of it.

Today I was talking with a friend, in the parking garage at work. I recall fear ruling my life. Allowing my husband to be as he was, pushing pain down inside and pretending his abuse, and humiliation didn't bother me. I'd just finished talking about this, and then about how I've walked away from men due to trash talking, insisting on play with nothing else, and making a couple of them face their behaviors and how they affected me and other women around them. I went from huddling and cringing, to standing up and announcing to people who and what they are... and how their choices affect those around them. And was able to walk away, without being cruel. They're still friends, by the way. One is a very close friend.

I refuse to fight unless it's my only logical option. But I'm willing to stand up for what's right and follow through on that choice. And, I've also learned that choices make a difference, good and bad... I want something more positive in my life.

another song I've been listening to...

this is one of my favorite new to me albums. I'd bought it for myself for Christmas.


a sad song, for those of us who feel this way whether now, or in times past... I know it hit my heart deeply in so many ways...

and, I noticed that it used to make Lanky hold his breath... and tears well. But, to me, that is why it meant so much to me.. I knew he was there when I'd discovered this album... to me, it expressed his feelings and, again, those of so many of us when we're flailing and struggling to connect with those we want or love. It expressed my sorrows of days gone by, and of days when trying to help my daughter and feeling lost and as if I could never achieve anything I was trying so desperately to do.

I miss strong masculine arms around me...
I miss being held close.
I miss hearing his voice in my ear as we talked for hours on end, and shared our days and nights with one another.
God, I miss his smile.
I miss his lips and kisses, the hunger and sweetness i our kisses.
and fingers long and warm around mine.
I'm getting his T shirt out tonight, to wear it around me tonight.
I miss his scent.
I miss him.

long day... woke up at 3am and couldn't go back to sleep, but I played enough to gain some distraction and pent up need was released enough to concentrate on work, today. I hope that I can rest well enough tonight to have a good day tomorrow. I'll have a long evening.... driving up to spend minutes with my friend, on cam... It'll be worth it, I'll MAKE it.

I was pleased to discover that my bad eye is a little better. They men there at the optical center make the visits nice. And, hmm, maybe both myself and my daughter need to look into trying for jobs as opticians? Maybe, maybe not...

Anyway, If I'm lucky I can somehow wangle the cost of a nice pair of eyewear. For now, I'll make due with what I've got, and figure out how to afford what I'll need, later.

days and nights run together, but it was nice to see the light on my way home tonight, and to have time to get a few things done even though this was a 10 hour day. Just a few more days to go and I'll have my Sunday off.


Tomorrow I've got my vision check up. First one in almost two years, and much needed. I'll order prescription sunglasses this time. And will ask a man I once believed in, for the name of the website he used for his dozens of glasses and sunglasses, for cheap.

Today I was able to finally get my ticket for the Wayland concert, in advance. I'm thinking no one knows about them, so it'll be rather empty at this rate. NOT good. But I'll be there, to watch them, and if lucky collect a hug or two, and relay Lanky's message. Nods, that's my plan.

There isn't much for me to focus on, except one day at a time, pushing through life. And, well... I just don't know. I just don't know. I'm tired of back talk from my daughter and her laziness and lack of respect. I love her, but there are days when I just feel like it's time to say leave and forget coming back. It's so hard, and it doesn't help when she makes ugly comments, or says she hopes the lump in her belly is a tumor and she dies by the end of the year... I can't see how she can say that and not know how terribly that destroys me. And I want to scream and shake her by the shoulders and tell her she's killing ME with her words and lack of respect. I just don't know.

What can I say?
Nothing that's worth anything.
I'm done.

Last night, I was able to get myself into the packed Royal, for the prerelease party/concert for Royal Bliss. All four groups were people I love. Opening it was Spencer, a dear man, and real friend, with his bluesy rock. Next, American Hitmen, and following was Opal Hill Drive, then royal Bliss. My friends found me while Spencer was playing, so we hung out together, dancing to his music, later, we kind of got more into a gyrating grinding game... you know, looking like we were humping in a line... I was sandwiched between husband and wife, her ass rubbing against my bell(she's got long legs) and him thrusting against me... hand on my ass guiding me and making sure he was between my cheeks... It was fun for a bit but the heat on the dance floor was high and that action was making it worse for me... as things were I'd had my CD shoved down the front of my pants, into my panties and that was awkward, feeling hard corners against my hipbones wasn't comfy, so, at one point when she and I went to the bathroom, I'd shoved it in the waistband in back.. easier, until he went back to grinding on me... oh well.

Some time later, while Opal Hill was performing, I got tired of the heat, and crush of the crowd. the play between them and me had ended an hour prior, so no need to think THAT was the reason.. well, I really DIDN'T want to go back that, either... to be honest, I'd rather be grinding against a single guy, flirting and enjoying him... I honestly needed a break, so went in search for Spencer and another guy I adore, for hugs.. but that point, I NEEDED hugs. Reassurance and comfort were needed. I was lonely for Lanky's presence, and one of the songs I love by Spencer... well, it'd reminded me of Alex. I needed to step back. I didn't get to hang out with them for long, and thought of leaving, and calling it a night. I knew I'd come undone if I couldn't just stay put and relax. I found the fireplace and stood with one knee bent, foot against the stone and my hands feeling the cooler air there, as well as placed flat against the smooth cool stones of that impressive setting. I couldn't really see the performance by then, but I honestly no longer cared.

Later, my friends, the couple I adore, found me and she hugged my warmly. We'd taken a break earlier, to go outside together, as she poured out her heart to me about some things we've got in common, and I loved her trust and ability to let ME comfort her, as she's done so many times lately, for me. I love her, and don't want our play to ever get between us. I admire her and love the relationship she has with her sweetie. They seemed pleased to know I was still there. Later, the lead for Opal Hill Drive pulled me in for another hug, saying again, how glad he, his wife and daughter were, to see me there. It's been months and months, and I love them, too. Good people, and good friends to me, he and his wife. Before the concerts had started, I'd had one of his friends take a photo of us together, for Lanky. I look forward to printing it for him. Each of the people who matter most had relayed messages for me to extend to him, and I was pleased of that. Spencer found me again, and several times came up to me, to pull me in close for a long hug, and whisper, "are you okay?" and "How are you, Dawn?"
... what could I say? What can I say to people who love Lanky, about my worry over him? And how to express my loneliness for the one man I know has loved me more than he loved life, and gave it to me? How do I share my heartaches? He also mentioned seeing me dancing with my friends on the floor... Spencer also made a comment on how glad he was that I'd stayed, that he thought I'd left after he'd walked away, that he'd seen me dancing with my friends, and just kept asking how I was, while holding me close. I admit I needed his warmth... the warmth of his friendship and concern. And, that being held so close to such a good and dear man felt good. He's strong and lean, yet so muscular and broad. Anyway, he's a good man, and good friend, and I realized last night, just how true that is. I needed him.

Today I was awakened by the birds who've built their nest in the shingles on the wall of my apartment.. scratching fighting and fussing near my window. The sun was up, and I'd gotten almost enough sleep... it was enough, since I was eager to work on my apartment prior to going north to see Lanky. I got quite a bit accomplished and I'm so glad of that.... I want to take this chaotic mess and turn it back into the nice orderly home it once was. I need it, for myself, and for my sanity.

I had a good visit with my dear friend, and loved our conversations... smirks, especially the look on his face when I described the sandwich dancing last night with our friends. He said he could picture it very well, and that I believe... something similar has happened a few times before, just, never a pussy goosing, or the full relaxing of all of us, to just being a naughty "threesome". By the way, I discovered I REALLY am not into women. *Nods, and then shakes head and rolls eyes* Anyway, I shared greetings and well wishes from our musician friends... and when he said he woud be buying the CD for himself after I admitted I'd listened to it twice the day I'd gotten it... I told him no. He repeated himself, so I had to explain that while in the line, waiting with hundreds of others, to have my CD signed.. I'd bought him his own cpy of it, and had the guys autograph it, for HIM... and that when they hear this was for him, how they'd responded, and what they'd written on it. They LOVE this towering guy. Anyway, I passed other messages of concern and acceptance, and, from our friends, that because of the job the man does, he knows where he is... relaying the message that he's still his friend, asking if he's okay, and that he expects honesty with his friends, and that they won't judge him, or me. Anyway, tears were shed, in appreciation and, well... it was a good visit, he thanked me, and explained that these visits mean more to him than letters. Seeing, and spending time helps. I'm glad i can give him this gift. He's a good friend, and I'm glad to have him.

Later, I'd called TJ, he'd tried to reach me, when my phone was muted and my daughter and I had spent time this morning, cleaning and talking this morning, before I'd left. We had a wonderful conversation. I'm grateful for his friendship and for his love. One of the finest men I've ever known. Nods and wishes a hugglesnug around him. He gives good ones.

I'm working on breathing, letting myself release my grief and learning my lessons on acceptance that I'm alive and he's not.

I'm grateful for the good men who're examples in my life. And, who're friends, who seem to sincerely care. I need them.

Love this song from their new album...

I've never really had any big dates, or special meaning felt, in Valentine's day... don't get me wrong...

I used to love that day as a child, dreaming of one day... to be honest, one day never truly came. Sad, really. So many people talk of things their sweethearts have done for them, romantic trips, fine dining, jewelry... lusty nights, and more... Not me. No... though, I recall the Valentine's day dance I met my husband at... He hated that day, and it meant long nights of babysitting with generous pay, for me. No dates, ever, no romance, well... then again, I never got it when guys were trying to capture my attention... not until I'd been married for years, with a child hanging onto my finger, and I'd met a guy from high school who shared his point of view of me, way back when...

anyway, this isn't about that, but about Valentine's day. I'd like to share this story... about the night I met my husband. I can say I remember something I learned on that day. The day I'd met my husband.

I had a friend, a guy who'd flirt with me to no end, amazing to me that he'd bend like that.. for me. I knew I was nothing. But he was a surfer dude, sexy as all hell... and only danced with and flirted with lovely girls and women. After he'd end it, they'd all end up with higher views of themselves... some, too vain after him. They knew they were desirable.

That night was a church dance. Yes, really, I was a sweet church-going, naive and goody-two-shoes sort. Anyway, My sensually erotic guy friend asked me to dance... and as during other times dancing with him... he made me feel chosen, and light on my feet. I'd taken ballroom dance in school, and when he led me, it was like perfection.. everything that I'd learned flowed through me, naturally, and I knew I trusted his guidance, I followed, he led and I loved it. We moved fluidly, in unison... it was perfection on the dance floor, he swept me off my feet, and... lifted me high whenever he pleased.... and, I KNEW we were matched well. I've never danced like that before, nor since... But... that night I knew that the perfect relationships were just like that. Two souls working in unison. Connected on so many levels... and each had a part in it. He leads, she follows, and at times, he'd improvise to make a stumble seem to be a part of the movements he'd planned.
The perfection in dance, was what I've seen in the perfected marriages, and it moved me. I wanted a deep friendship, and the feeling that we two moved naturally towards and with one another... Natural attraction and attention, devotion to the dance of building the relationship, working in tandem... All of that was what I believed in, and wanted.. I didn't marry my best friend. He'd refused to be a friend to me..

I should have known it wouldn't be good for me. But, I needed out of my horrible homelife. Who knew?

I'd found the synchronicity I desired and believed in.. in Alex. All I can hope is that my daughter can find and LIVE it. Too late for me. I accept it. I'm a realist.

I'll go to the concert and focus on the music, and faces of people I care about, adore and cheer for. I'll share Lanky's messages, and I'll beg for hugs as is my ritual. God, how I need them. And no one I'll ask there will grope me or hurt me. They're not interested in me, in any way but as a fan, and friend.

I'll listen to music, and focus on the joy it brings, and be thankful for the lesson I'd learned 28 years ago... that life, and love can be a dance. Just because I doubt I'll ever have it in my life, doesn't mean I'd not recognize and want it, if it could be mine.