today's visit with Lanky was a good one. He was happy to hear of the conversation I'd had with his sister, and of my sharing with his mother, too. He liked the necklace I'd created for his little sis, a belated birthday gift.
As I was driving home, my daughter called me saying she needed a hug, and that her father told her when his wedding will be. Less than two weeks from now. To help her, I took her out to search for a new dress to wear for that day. She's gained so much weight over the past year, that very few things fit her any more... anyway, we found a dress that was perfect for her, slimming, even. And ummm, well I found myself a cute little black dress, with polka dots on the main part. I bought two dresses, instead of one. It's hard to see my little girl viewing her body and recognizing how much she needs to lose, for her safety, health wise. I've been where she's at, and I could easily go back to it, if I weren't aware of my own issues. But again, I found her an amazing and perfect dress. I hope she'll appreciate it.

I'm going to be working many days of overtime... and I'm hoping to be able to take care of thing better. I've got to focus on now, and my future. I'm not going to be able to make any changes until I work on my past, and my present. Got to do things at a decent pace, though. No wearing myself thin, no going too slowly, either. *sigh*

getting ready for my trip out there in the windy blustery day, to see and talk with my friend, Lanky. The drive isn't bad most days. And, the effort is well worth it, to me. He's doing okay. I've seen a light back in his eyes. And, he's been physicially working himself hard. As an athlete in his past, that is a very good thing. I'm seeing definition on his arms already. I'm happy for him... BUT, now I'm thinking, with less than two months for his release, I'm going to have to do something about my jiggly wiggly ME... I've grown far too soft and flabby.... and we're planning on a major outdoor trip. You know, long hikes, backpacking, and camping, loads of photographs in the great southwest. We both LOVE Bryce Canyon, Capitol Reef and that region around Moab...
Ergghhh, not sure my body's going to LIKE me afterwards... so I'd better try to get it into at least semi decent shape **nods, nods**

I've been going through photographs. I've explained that I'm done with her bitterness, and I want to put up some photos of us when we were a full family... I explained that I've never wanted to be one of those bitter ex's who avoided photos of her past husband. I reminded her how it had hurt me for my mother to burn photos with my daddy in them, and to cut him out of so many photos of our happy faces as a family. I reminded her that while her father had changed too much for us to be together, and that we were never right for one another... I still love him. And I miss him often. I told her that abusive behaviors weren't always there... There were a few times in our marriage when he'd tried to be the man I'd needed. Never lasted long, but there were a few times I truly treasure. I explained that I'm going to out a few photos that remind me of times when he was trying to be nice. Ultimately, the abuse wasn't acceptable, nor his denial of it being wrong. Abuse is damaging, whether physical, sexual, mental/emotional, it damages souls. It did. It does, and forever will. I'm proud of her, for being part of the process of my leaving abuse behind me. I'm grateful for her recognition of how far gone he truly was... and of the fact that, had she left when he'd tried to force her to run away from home.. he WOULD have killed me... or "Lost" me in the deserts, on a rock hounding trip in the middle of nowhere.

Last night I asked if she'd mind me hanging the photo of her with her father on the wall... the one he'd insisted on having made when he'd overheard me mention my promis to my father, that I'd get one done of just the two of us, when he'd been there for me, at my mother and grandfather's double funeral. I never did get that done. It felt like a slap from him, on my face, to dive into that so quickly. He knew how little I made, and how I struggled. I'd gotten pneumonia due to that time of my life. The struggle was a terrible drain upon me, physically and emotionally. I realize just how hard losing Alex has been to me, as well... and, her outbursts and rage, her cruel words and angry stance about men and life.
I really do need to get her help, whether she wants it, or not, she's GOT to get it... ASAP. She needs to let go of bitterness, and to stop putting her hurt onto me, acting as if I'm in pain over things that weren't the issue for me... just for her. She hates too easily. Screams and rages too bitterly. And is not willing to forgive. She needs to learn that lesson before she can ever find her Mr. Right... she will not be ANYONE's Mrs. Right, until she does.

So much to do, and I need to get off the internet, to get it all done.

will you do me a favor? If you're not forgiving yourself, or someone else of hurts in the past... please, please, forgive. Embrace the fact that it WAS and had happened... and acknowledge the pain as real... only THEN can you let go... and, trust me, it's one awful burden to carry. Let it go. Set it down. walk away, and be grateful for unloading it off your shoulders. I've had to do this for all of the heartaches of my past. And for the ones I still experience now. It's a life long process, but it's one of the most strengthening and purifying ones that I can imagine.... that, and being loved for who you are... AS-IS, and no exchanges... THAT is the ULTIMATE learning experience. I'd have loved to have experienced it fully. But I got the gist of it. And.. Oh, how I wish and hope for my daughter to do so too... only, she deserves to experience it for good. Me.... Maybe I did something wrong in a previous life. Maybe I hurt too many people as a child. I dunno. I was a sickly, shy, terrified child. Maybe it was wrong to try to save so many worms during rainy days... shaking head sadly. It doesn't matter. I'm not blessed to get to have that last or to really experience it in person. Such is my life. I'll be making due forever. That is the lot I've been given. I'll have to make the best of it.

Have a good day, my friends. I wish you the best.

guess what???
no concerts for me, THIS weekend!

time to relax a bit more? maybe... but I'm sure I'll be doing laundry down in the laundry room... and hauling it back home to dry most of it.

I'll be doing the usual... seeing Lanky, and talking with Alex's family, mine and even the tall one's family. I'm thinking of reworking the necklace... maybe, maybe not...

And, I'll be having coffee with a guy I know, on Sunday. Probably NOT a wise idea, to be honest. It was where we'd met originally... and I'm sure he's interested in more than friendship, at least from our last conversation. What IS it with men's predictable attempts to relive sexcapades?

Anyway, I'm hoping for a relaxing weekend. I'll need it, because for the 5th month in a row, we've got mandatory overtime Mondays, and at least SOME Tuesdays. I'll burn out fast, if this back to back to back phone call thing doesn't change. And, I'll burn out faster if I'm no compensated in some way, as well.

I'll be looking for a new job, with more serious efforts. Maybe I'll take my ex up on his suggestion of me applying for a job where he works, again. Nods, it's a very good company.

Anyway, I need a break... a good long one. But, for now, I'll have to just take my weekends as they come, and use them wisely.

Tired me, and I'm in a lot of pain. Took PM pain reliever and hoping for some sleep... added Tiger Balm to my neck and upper back, and can feel it working magic for me.

Time to snuggle my pillow and pretend I'm not alone.

yesterday was fine...
my visit with Lanky was a good one, and I'd spoken with his mother just an hour before. I was able to finish the necklace for his sister, and got my daughter a couple hours later. I'd bought some frames to spruce up the place, and determined to make a smaller copy of the photo of Alex and me together, to fit on I'd chosen to use for it. My daughter had pointed out how much I need him, still, and, that eventually I'm going to need to be able to turn him away, to avoid his eyes on me while with another man. She said Lanky doesn't count, even though it'd bothered him to have Alex hanging by HIS side of my bed...

I'm moving things around in my apartment. Going to change the living room furniture around, and sell my parrot, Baby. She's biting and needs more attention than we're giving to her. She's too sweet to allow her to go neglected. I'm also going to simplify my bedroom. And make life easier in general, if I can.

I need to keep my love close, and don't want t hide my favorite photos of my ex with us, either... And, in the same token, I want to make some sense out of life and how I'm feeling... I need to focus on the now. On needs that must be met.

took today off... stress day? God, yes...

Last night, I'd hoped to meet up with a cousin who's here from Washington, but her hubby needed sleep. They're here to spend time with her mom(my aunt), and our grandmother. I'm the black sheep of the family. Of all things, I'd done mostly everything I was taught to do. But I'd cried when I was a baby, and my grandmother tried to clutch me to her. Geee, yeah, she'd told me I'd hated her... Umm, a baby HATING? yeah, riiiiiight.

Anyway, I'm not the favorite of anyone. I'm the one who never knows what's happening. I'm the oldest grandchild. And that's just my life simplified.

I'm hoping to get together with my cousin anyway, some time today, if I can. I NEED time with her. I MISS my mini me, yep.. she looks so much like me, she passes as my sister. And, we have the same voice... she, my sisters and me... all have the same friggin voice, umm, mine's more sultry, anyhooo...

Today is my day to go to the jail and see Lanky. I collect my daughter from my sister's home in the afternoon, too. I HOPE to heaven that she's learned anything about her behaviors and attitudes and what she shouldn't be doing, and what her cousins all deserved and she had, too... that never happened, and should have. I hope beyond hope that I get my daughter back here, with a knowledge of how fucking lucky she is. And, how absolutely selfish and rude she is. Otherwise, this is just the beginning of one hell of a horrible nightmare for ME... ME, because I've been the one spoiling her, taking care of her and letting her abuse and use me. And, now... I HAVE to be strong, put my foot down and say STOP and follow through on everything she'd needed me to do and say way back when she was a sickly child that was far too spoiled.
Lanky was spoiled and look where he's at? Shaking head. It honestly could be her. He knows that. He knows he's special, just like she does. Special Ed and being coddled does that. They hate their lives and the knowledge that they'll need to be taken care of all their lives. They both KNOW they're helpless and HATE it. They're not stupid.. They're missing self control. They're missing the genetic markers that set capability, self esteem and self awareness into place. They're missing the social graces and emotional control and I'm SURE there's something that can be taught... but I KNOW OCD and lack of self control over emotions and actions are trials for both of them... they were for my ex, too. All three of these people I love have Aspergers. Alex had it too. I don't wonder why I'm attracted to it. I suspect I too have that blessing/curse, too.
My mother had Aspergers, and so do many people who're brilliant, but socially inept. Geeks, nerds, overachievers, mathematicians, scientists, musicians, inventors, creators, people who's minds are stunning... they're wired differently. And, there's nothing bad about that. But it makes each one of them unique... For no two people with Aspergers are alike. Similar, but never the same.

Today, I hear the sounds of spring... birds in the bushes, singing their morning welcome to the sun. I hear the ducks and geese too... how I love to see those Canadian geese in flight. I can see it's another glorious blue skied day outside and I need to go explore it. Relish it and us it to relax, to edify and to lift me.. then, to use it for Lanky and my daughter, too. I have to. I want to.
wish me luck? I'm kind of scared. I'm still falling apart.

falling apart again... but that's just life.
will snuggle my pillow and take something. Was going to drive down to the bar and just chug a drink or two.. but that's how alcoholism starts... self medicating.
no... won't do it.
it just doesn't interest me enough.

so I'll take some pain reliever,
and maybe my xanax and go to bed
...hoping to be numb in the morning.
I need to let go and relax.
I don't know what the hell I can do to cope and deal with all of this stress better than I am right now. God I'm NOT dealing well at all.

oh well.
life will move me forward, and I'll drift into a decent spot eventually,
I hope.

sent my daughter away for a couple of days and nights... perfect timing since my sister's out of the area, and I'm sure her oldest could use some help with being in charge. And, I sure as hell needed some peace and quiet. I'm having severe issues with her jealousy and nit picking over little things. My God, I hate my daughter right now, due to how selfish and jealous and mean she's been lately. Well... I HATE her attitude and refusal to let go of her obsessions. Obsessed with the fact that I'm a bit leaner than is she. Obsessed with the thought that I'll find a man before she will... God, she's got guys texting and IMing her constantly! And, she hates it that guys who're in their 30's and even 20's are attracted to me. Life isn't fair, she rages. I have no right to consider anyone below the age of what? She's got guys close to MY age hitting on her and she's considering THEM now. So what's MY Allowed bottom age limit? And what the hell is she doing accusing ME of violating rules... HERS...

Fuck!!!

I'm furious with my self centered, pissed off daughter. I'm not looking for anything or anyone. I'm not accepting offers by any guys. I'm running away, and hiding. I don't want to do anything except to help her out of this bitchy piss poor attitude... I'm trying to help her, and she only gets more jealous, bitter, and cruel. I don't understand it. And, I honestly have no ability to tolerate abuse and laziness and bitchy attitude.

Dawn is VENTING, before she explodes into bits!!!

I need a good cry and how I wish I had someone to help me and hold me... But I don't and I won't, and I can't count on anyone.

today was a hard day for me to bear... It'd started fine, and my visit with Lanky had, too... but then I went and made some comments that crushed him, and I feel such guilt over them that I'm not sure what to do. All I can do is hope, and apologize. He'll get the letter after my next visit with him, on Wednesday.

I took my daughter with me up the Little Cottonwood canyon. Just all the way up to the parking lot at Alta, and then turned around. But the trip was cleansing for us, to a degree... we headed over to my sister's from there, to see my nieces and nephews, and grand nephew, too... My sister and her guy are on the west coast, to give tribute to his dying step father. So I'd promised to check in on the kids, and I'm kind of hoping my daughter will see about spending a night or two with them, over there, to get closer to her cousins. I'd love that for her. She needs a break from me. And I need a break from her.

While up in the canyon, I had my kidlet take photos using the camera I've given her, and my Pentax. She took quite a few. Later, while driving around I watched sunset casting a peach and crimson glow over the pristine white glaciers... I learned after I'd taken several photos that the landscape mode is perfect for the views. Lanky and I used to breathe in the sunrise, and soak up the sunsets together. Joyous memories... These photos are going to him in incremental doses. There's a limit to how many pages or photos can be in each envelope. Anyway, I'll send him a sunset, in the letter filled with my sorrow at hurting his tender spirit. He's frail, weak, and I wish he weren't... but I'm also seeing such strength in him. I wonder if he even knows he's growing, yet? I wonder if he'll recognize any of the positive he's building... I do hope so.

God, I hate dragnets scattered over the web. At least this one, destroyed a man and his family... and, perhaps, his future... yet, I firmly believe that he's a good man, who's focusing on trying to do all he can while in such a severe depression, to make recompense.

this is MY time to make up for my own thoughtlessness. And, it is time for me to work to avoid crushing anyone that I love if I can possibly avoid it. I'm so tired of my own pain, how can I allow myself the burden of creating pain for anyone else? I chased the sunset, today, to give it to a friend... I hope it'll do him some good. And I hope that I can be a better friend.

new camera... new panties... oh boy... oh joy.

I was talking with my kiddo today, she asked me why I was so obsessed with panties. I explained that guys who'd ermmm, been with me, or seen me on this place, had loved imagining what I had on under my slacks or skirts, or dresses, while at work. Guys would watch to catch a peek when I'd cross my legs, or when I'd bend over to grab something from my bag, or sit down.. you know, catch a glimpse of thong above the waist band, or lace or something.

I remember one lover with whom I'd worked, who loved me in lace undies, thigh highs and stilettos. I loved it when he'd pull me near, run his hands up my legs, under my skirt and Mmmmmm the magic would begin.... but at times I'd wondered, was it that he Ummm, liked the pain of the sharp little pointy heels in his back? I dunno, but he'd do me while in all of that. Latino thing? Nawww, I've had enough PM's from guys here, to know not just the Latin lover I'd had are into stockings and heels on women.

Anyway, I'm thinking I'll be posting pix of my latest sets of undies. Some are more comfy, others downright sexy... stockings, socks and bare feet, too. Apparently they're liked?

Gotta say I like my new camera/toy. I like the blazing LED lights surrounding the lens, so that underwater and dark lit scenes will work. Mega cool!

okay.. guys, a boner is *smirks* a big thing... hmmmm, well for some, bigger than others. But all this stroking off, wanking and jerking... and what're we poor women s'posed to do with our GIRLY wood???
Seriously, I overdid the licorice and that makes me horny and drippy... as in, it helps keep me lubricated and thing is... I don't have a partner!!!

oh yeah, rub that clit... thing is, it's still swollen from earlier today, after getting home from work.

Recalls the warnings for cialis and viagra. Oy, that's what I'm talking about, got a girly boner since... well, since about noonish.

Time to freaking vibe it 'til it's too far fractured to have a pulse...
poor little thing.
looks down into my waistband...

Dreams needs to be careful when she's got a bag of licorice, unless she's got a man around... *sigh*