teary and outrageously weepy, I fought for composure most of my workday. Stress is wearing me thin... feelings of futility, and inability to sleep, due to all the seemingly insurmountable obstacles tumbling endlessly into my path have made me want to fall to my knees and cry until my eyes run dry.

And yet, today was another day where I was blessed to learn greater patience, waiting for one of my friends to get off his shift an hour after mine was finished. These men who're willing to take care of me... bringing me lunch, knowing I don't care, or forget too often, and demanding that I take care of me... and then willingly driving me to or from work are people I'm grateful for. My tall gangling friend checked with me later, asking who'd driven me home, and if I really was staying home tomorrow, then making sure I'd contact him if I need anything, regardless. Smiles... how I confuse myself due to his closeness. **Shaking head**

Today my sweet, sweet and amazing man in Illinois announced he's been pricing airfare, a room for two nights and car rental and that it'll only be around $400-$500 for the combination. He's as eager for this weekend of ours as am I... perhaps more so? Doubtful!!! I wish the sagging of the right side of his face didn't trouble him so much. I know he believes I deserve someone with more outward perfection... Grrhhhhh... I have loved him as a great friend for what seems forever at times, and at others, just a few short months. I still hesitate, because the last man I'd been eager to have come to me never followed through, and wanted constantly to have our conversations centered around lust instead of reality. This man has seen me as a friend for much of our time knowing one another. That one... well, a few of you know that twisted story. Hindsight makes me see that no woman would want to remind a man of his hell, his past... but rather be his heaven, and perfection... his future. I am glad we never connected and made things more twisted and confusing. Anyway, I'm hopeful in this adventure in the very near future... This is not a sappy school girl crush, as with the man in DC... We met and determined to be merely friends, and enjoy our common interests and intellectual banter. We're both rather analytical souls... Evaluating, and assessing situations, watching people, and pointing out what we value in others, often... Open minded, and able to bend, as well... I value that greatly... And though I'm still learning, we both are people who accept ourselves as we are... and something I esteem greatly, he's very comfortable with himself.
Anyway, our weekend is coming closer... I can't wait to spend time with him. To embrace him warmly, to kiss and cherish him... And to be WITH this man I've chosen to allow as close as I have. Umm admitting I intend to devour him, as a true man-eater should... Only a very few have gotten as closely embedded within my heart as is he. They know who they are.. and, hmm, are members here, of this place. This one though, holds something unique though to me... Anyway, I'm excited to be planning to be with him in a few weeks... And I find the distraction calming at the same time as thrilling. I need it. I need to feel like a woman, like I'm not at the end of my rope... and to forget for a moment how little control I've got over my life.

Today four men reached out and touched me today. Text, talk, rides and hope. They helped me forget the tears and futility. The loss and frustrations. Thank you, TJ, for being one of them. The others.... God, I hope they don't read this! LOL, but if they do.. maybe one day they might appreciate how much I value them, too.

spent with two agitated souls.. my daughter... and the friend who continues to assist me. Both feeling helpless and frustrated... and me... expecting them to be tolerant.. I got quieted people, and loud pounding thrumming music... much needed release. I hope the efforts of the day were worth it. will see on Wednesday. please keep my daughter and I in prayers and positive thoughts.

I used to love singing the blues, much like this... Maybe one day I can again? ahh well... jazz, Blues and R&B/soul are fantastic to me...

a song that I've loved.... Ten Black Roses, by The Rasmus.

today, I was worn out, and exhausted from all the crying, and frustrations... the previous day... all the chaos and the pain... I'd slept very little, so, to find myself still awake, and yet fine after little sleep and then a rather long day, is a positive for me.

The day started with my cell phone ringing near my face, while in bed, sleeping a bit late. Then noticed a text from my friend. Asking how my morning was, and if I'd like to go grocery shopping with him. Anyway, we texted a bit. And knowing he'd be showing up later, when my ex offered to not just give me my alimony now, instead of making me wait until Tuesday, but to take me to the bank to deposit it, I accepted. We talked a bit in the car about life.. and I finally explained what was happening, that I'd been without my car for 2 weeks,right after getting a fixit ticket... And feeling helpless... But also about my , and how incapable I'm feeling of controlling my life or reactions to triggers that send me reeling, and effect my work. I also shared about my coworker being a friend taking me out on dates again, with no expectations, no hugs unless asked, not touch unless OK with me. Anyway, I got home and saw my tall lean friend waiting on the top step for me... And told him he was here to take me grocery shopping. I was pleased that he said he must be a good man, when I'd told him about how much my friend's done for me recently. He is. And I'm grateful for his willingness to do more for me than I could ever hope. I'm still in a bind financially, with my car, etc... But I've got one friend from here who's been trying to get me to do a custom project for a long time.. and I'm working on it now, for him... And I'm thankful for others. I'm desperately in need of the $1000 or so I'm going to need to earn up to pay for the repairs... And I'm more than willing to work for it. I'll be posting things I'm making or planning to offer for sale, and custom artwork is an option. Anyway... Thanks for understanding.. thank you for friendship.

don't tell me it'll be fine,
it'll work out,
that I'll make it through...

let me rage and scream and shout!!!
I've a right to express my frustrations... I'm pissed. I'm hurt.. I'm feeling the futility of my plight. I'm POOR.. as in living in POVERTY. I'm struggling. I support my disabled and non-working adult daughter who's got NO self control and demands, not understanding that I'm not capable of affording what she wants and needs. I pay for her medications. I pay for OUR doctor's visits... I'm struggling a fight against my OWN body to live, to breathe.. to stay alive... and to stay working a job with so little pay it's frustrating.
I NEED my car.. how dare you try to placate me when I'm coming undone???
Don't pretend it'll sort itself out. It CAN'T!!!

I'm hurting, let me lick my wounds.. let me cry and scream. Let me stamp my feet.. and stop and listen.. STOP.. and LISTEN!!!!

I have to come up with well over $2,300 for my car's repairs... I'm about $1,200 SHORT of that amount!!!
How the fucking HELL am I supposed to come up with that???
FUCK some strangers??? I'm screwed!!!
Don't tell me it'll work out.
I feel like screaming shaking my fists and crying out...
FUCK YOU!!!
Stop trying to make life smell better.
Start listening to words people say in desperation.. and start learning that life isn't all going to work out. My life is a pain filled struggle. And I'm TIRED of that pain and struggle.

LISTEN and learn... that maybe all I need from you is a shoulder to hold my head on for a moment.. a hand to tenderly hold mine, or massage the frustration and pain from me.. I know my lot in life and it's a struggle... it has been since I was a tiny child.. and I wish, how I wish it didn't have to be for the rest of my life... but maybe that's all I'm meant to have. Let me cry, please... let me scream.. and listen while I do. I need to be accepted for who and what I am. A broken and bleeding warrior who's lot in life is to always struggle and be in pain. And maybe some time... cry with me.. accept that I feel lonely and useless.. and incapable of supporting my daughter.. and that I'm scared.. I want to be able to get my car back, but unless I come up with the money.. They can hold it in their custody. My glasses are in that car... and so many other things I'm in need of. I'm tired... so very tired.. and I'm scared and lonely. I'm the only one fighting this fight. And I wish, how I wish I had a way to pay for this.

So hold me if you can.... but also, please, recognize that saying I'll figure it out, or it'll get done isn't enough to help me get over or through this... I'm struggling in reality. I need to find a way to earn the money. I'm in need, and I'm scared. And, I am tired of feeling like I'm a leech on my friends.

and full of sorrows.. insurmountable and impossible odds... I'm tired of the struggle. I'm tired of the way that I feel.. and I have no clue how I'll ever afford the much needed repairs on my little beasty of a car... It's just too impossible to achieve.. and too much for me. I'm going to be without a car.. and have no way to afford another one... And nothing of value to sell for enough to make it work... And people abandon me to try and bum a ride last minute. I'm a failure at being an example of any level of strength.. a failure and a complete washout... I'm dying inside... and wishing I could quickly, quietly slip into the abyss and be forgotten. My life is crumbling to pieces.. and I just won't make it. I just can't do it. It is not worth it... I'm not worth it

"Inside every older person is a younger person--wondering what the hell happened."
-- Cora Harvey Armstrong

"The hardest years in life are those between 10 and 70."
-- Helen Hayes (at 73)

"Old age ain’t no place for sissies."
-- Bette Davis

"Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart."
-- Caryn Leschen

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere."
-- Frank A. Clark

"I'm looking forward to looking back on all this."
-- Sandra Knell