is taking a huge toll upon me, and my soul.

I'm tired of believing in anything good. I'm not sure I can take what's happening to me and my life, my little family and well...

I'm not sure what to say. I guess I'm reaching out, in a terribly lonely, frightened and desperate plea... and, I'm letting go. I'm letting certain aspects of life slip away into the past, and into memory, and oblivion.

I just can't do it, my friends. I just can't pretend I believe I'm going to make it through this.

How can I?
How shall I?

And, worst yet... WHY bother?

I'm going to be watching these guys play tonight...

like an idiot. Thinking back... I've been lied to, cheated on, and manipulated. No friendship is ever worth losing your self respect. No other human being is worth losing yourself, or feeling lost and torn, broken, abused and battered. Not going to stay in any relationship that is going to reduce me to that state again.

I've determined that this tall and lanky man I've enjoyed, was using me and ultimately... that his twisted version of truth, and deceit, and love or acceptable has turned out to my thinking to be as bad an abuser, and destroyer of a woman's loving soul as was my ex. A powerful realization for me. I'm no longer going to hope for any good to come from him, and a friendship built on failures, broken dreams, and idiocy.

By and By

Crazy, their professionally done video... and breakthrough into contracts and tours with big named bands. Crazy was what Neil, the lead singer and composer of their music wrote, dedicating it to his wife and little boys.

Will You Wait for Me

My Sweet Rosie


I went to another one of this wonderful band's concerts on Friday night... It was my fourth with a man who's gone from sexual playmate, and man I was "hanging out with"... We have a weird friendship now... Not sure what to say, except that it's filled with hurt and pain, brutal honesty RE his choices and use of women... honesty about my need to change my mindset, to one more positive about myself, and the importance of our friendship, the honesty, the healing and positive it can bring when we spend time together.

Devils and Angels

I Will Catch You

A man I know and love...
simply put, there's a man leaving this place who's been very special to me, and to so many in this site. Tuxedojunction. His influence profound, and his eloqunet heart is felt in every word he's written and shared with us. I'm honored to know him as sweetly as I do. And to know he's a good soul and very wonderful man is just as lovely as all the times we've shared with him, in statuses and blogs, on cam, and anywhere else in this glorious wide country we should cherish. There are so many wonderful people here. and so many of them making the choice to leave, due to absolute idiocy and blatant wrongness. I'm ashamed of some of the people I've thought of as part of this place. And I'm finding that I wonder more and more why I linger. Why I HOPE in the rest of us, to make this place turn back into the home it once was for so many very beautiful and shining lights I've seen cast out, or blink and flicker out. How I love my brothers and sisters here.

How I've needed the sweet goodness, and yes, the lust and carnality too. I have needed to learn of my value, my goodness, my hope and the desire I can find in a few souls that was real. I needed to believe i had something to give. Something wanted within me. I'm grateful to say I no longer need to bare myself blatantly as I once did. I no longer even desire to take photos of my boudoir type poses. I know my body well enough to say I feel it's not just good enough, it's pretty nice... and, yet, I also recognize that perhaps I have to slow down, or it will shut down. I detest it... But like my darling friend TJ, perhaps I too need to take a rest from excitement.
I still crave passion and heat, but I don't find it here, nor elsewhere in this time of my life. In truth, my body, my life and my dreams are focused on simpler things. Life, health restored, work, job, daughter, reaching simple and large goals that tower over me. Financial self sufficiency... better health, and the most important things of all.. To teach my lovely daughter that a woman has all the power she needs, built deep within her... That she's worthy of the best, and should never take second place in any man's life if he insists she's the one for him. And, that she can take care of herself. I too need to remind myself of these things. I need to redefine my life. I need to rewrite my lines and set a pace for the tempo and for the melody, and.. for the players in it. I need to chose and define their roles.

I'm not sure any longer what I want, nor who I'd like to share my life with. All I know is this. Manipulation and abuse, force and coercion will NOT win me, nor any good strong and self confident souls. That I'd rather be alone than be in bed with someone who'd steer me into their version of life. And, that I deserve to be on top. ((smiling saucily now)) I enjoy the view. And I know how to gently teach someone to feel the greatest pleasures imagined if they but accept their own worth, and that of my own self in their life. And, one day I'll be with someone who's most highly cherished. My dearest most perfect friend... And that someone will prove that I'm the one truest friend and companion that is wanted, desired, ached for, lusted after, needed, enjoyed, craved, loved, respected, worshiped, adored, and treasured above all. And, that is the same way I'll feel for that one as well.
I do believe that the power of attraction is strong. That positive is drawn to positive. That sadness begets sadness, that love begets love and that passion builds and creates more passion. How else can two feel perfected, unless by response in motion, magnetic forces tugging, and unifying in harmony.
I believe in goodness, in love, in decency and kindness. I believe in sweet honesty and cherishing those we hold in high esteem.
I believe in the people I love. I am growing to love even more wonderfully good souls. And I can love more, still.. there is no limit to the true sort of love. The highest form of affection, respect, trust, and appreciation IS... LOVE. It evolves, it grows exponentially. And it is shared openly and utterly. That is the ONLY way to ever be free, and filled with joy, light, love and peace. To love implicitly, purely and infinitely.

I choose love as the power to wield in my hands, and heart mind and soul. LOVE.

I was able to be the shoulder for a dear soul to cry on, tonight... though he'd tried not to allow me to lean him against me. His willingness to be honest, fully with me, was releasing, and not at all the damaging thing he'd feared it to be. Rather, I understood him, and could let myself love him for who he is, for his sins and failings are so much purer than mine. I value friendship. I love my friends, dearly. And I wish, how I wish that they knew how much they mean to me. but I see myself as this destructive little whirlwind... Leaving a trail of chaos and damage where ere I go. I try to pull back where I use to let my full gale effect blow... I try to protect them from the full force... of ME. There isn't enough love to redeem me. There isn't enough patience to free me. There isn't enough good within me, to be of worth to any soul, except for one too broken to know any better.