"Happiness comes only when we push our brains and hearts to the farthest reaches of which we are capable."
-- Leo C. Rosten

was a good and bad day.. lip trembling without notice, and yet, so many moments of positive. My friends at work take notice of my mood. I took my first break, and spent it mostly informing my supervisor of the impending need for bereavement time. She looked me in the eyes recalling some of the things I'd shared about the past 2 years, and told me she sees me as an amazingly strong woman. What does one say to that? All I feel is that I'm trying my best to keep myself held together. I don't want people to see me as tough, cold, or so controlled that they see me as insensitive nor heartless. I am who I am. Far from the last two things. Anyway, it wasn't easy but eventually I took to the stairs and went to the HR offices on my lunch break and sought out the head of the offices. Welcomed warmly by her, I informed her I hoped more than ever this was the last time I'd inform her of needed bereavement time. She just reminded me that it's full time pay for three consecutive days.. to use ALL of them this time, and said she was sorry my family and I have so much to go through. She then handed me a card for additional benefits, saying if my family, sisters, aunts too, could use those benefits, they'd be able to take advantage of them, too. I was grateful.
And was glad to have the chance to bury my face in the arm of a younger man who's like a little bro to me there, and just be held for a while. And share with a couple of ladies I adore and trust as friends.
I was able to get my "fix it" ticket's deadline delayed until last week of March... All with my friend watching over me. I'm very blessed to have people care about me at all.

I'm shorting out... Falling apart. I'm supposed to be strong, go about life as though nothing is wrong, and be capable, no matter what. My friend, after we'd gotten that task done told me he wanted to stay with me, REALLY wanted to stay and be with me... but needed to make it to the appointment he's got. He told me I can only do one thing at a time, I'm not expected to deal with it all at once. He knows I try to. So much to cope with, so much to get finished... not enough time and energy... I'll try to relax, Try to find some semblance of peace... And hope. I need HOPE.

I was able to enjoy my time with that sweet gentle and deep thinking tower of a friend this weekend.. Saturday started late but it was nice to work by his side and watch and listen as he told the histories of things he kept... and things those stories helped to make the choice to let go even easier. He's a good friend and a good man. I was amazed at how sincerely grateful he was for my presence and desire to be there for and with him. Why wouldn't I? How could someone like me say "No," to someone I care for? I guess I did help in my own small way. The snow came down over the hours we took in relaxed work on boxing up, organizing.. and most of all just being together sharing. I imagine it was a big step for him to share how he lives with a woman... And he was right.. I'm not the kind of person to judge or assume anything. I value that trust.

Sunday I'd hoped to get things accomplished earlier, but lately I get very little sleep, and tend to just about pass out a few times during the day. My towering friend finally determined to help me go see my grandmother. He stayed there, by my side, or hers.. put up with her churchy sermons, and inappropriate honesty.. Guess I know where I get it *groanszzz* And, then she tooks us around her apartment overviewing her treasures. She sent him away with a rare and limited first edition antique book, and one on self healing. And both of us, like little children, went through her most precious polished agates crystals, petrified wood, and sea shells.. and filled plastic bags with them. He. with treasures to share with his daughters and son... his mother and who knows who else.. and myself.. in search of some to turn into pendants for sterling wirewrapped wearable art.. pendants. He was turning stones polished to a high gloss in his long thin fingers, up to the chandelier to view the sheer opulence of glowing agates from the Oregon coast. He was also bestowed with my grandmother's most treasured stone.. pulled from the satin lined box in a locked drawer in her study. *Funny old woman.* She asked him to watch over me.. I smiled and pictured him from our past together, looking easily over my head, resting a hand on my head, and and elbow on my shoulder. I'm short, and double stuffed compared to that lanky man. She also asked that he keep me safe from bad men hurting me again... ahhh, how she had been crushed to learn the not just my daughter had been , but me too, far too recently. She was referring to that. Gramma brought out a small manila envelope and played yer fingers over in and out, handling the contents she proceeded to lecture on responsibility, example self confidence, and ways to financial freedom and security. Of morality and purity and of life in gospel oriented religions.. Very preachy, yet, amazingly my friend tolerated that robust lecture. She handed two pinkly golden rings to me, placing them lovingly into my hand. One she told me would bring a good price once I sold it. I looked agog... And responded, it's a gift from you, why would I sell this? My maternal grandmother loves thick gold, and diamonds, she now wears no jewelry, so strange to see her once bejeweled hands bare of all her prized and stunning treasures. Mine, she pointedly mentioned, then looked into my friend's face is a wedding ring, yellow gold calla lillies with the largest cradling one perfect and stunning diamond within it. The other, she said, is for my daughter... It was her first diamond ring, the tiny sapphire long lost from it, It was an exquisite flower on a dainty stem. The band too delicate had been broken. But as I'd recalled her telling me of that choice for my damaged girl, I rejoiced. I'll be having a local jeweler repair the fine break, and set one of two perfectly faceted rubies I've had since I was 18, into that waiting open set. The first treasured diamond, for the first-born of the first-born.. of HER first-born. A gift from a great-grandmother and the mother of a miraculous woman.. who, though broken with a pain ravaged body, with love is healed, so too this ring. She asked me to contact my sisters, to have us go there together to make our choices as to what we'd like to take home with us. I've been denied already, all that I'd suggested I'd like, and ignored when I'd pointed out the one treasured print I'd love to have.. as the only prize I'd ask for. My friend later mentioned having studied it and thinking that would be perfect for D. Anyway... I stopped believing I was a part of my family long ago, but it was nice to have her choose some things to send home with me.

this reminds me of the tales of Ulysses, or Odysseus.. when he'd listened to the storyteller, and heard his life unfolded for all to know.

with my grandmother for hours now... she's in hospice care and won't be in this world for long. I'm sorrowing but also grateful to be able to chatter with her, hearing her stories and sharing my little bits of hope from my own life.

stress too high, nutrition in the back seat... guess I'm going to be tripling my mega overdoses of vitamins and minerals. Nose bleed only lasted a half an hour this time. I'll be ok.

Will rest and sleep and try to slow down. Might not put as much of myself into the activities tomorrow. Who knows?

"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
-- Alvin Toffler

"All the people we call ‘geniuses’ are men and women who somehow escaped having to put that curious, wondering child in themselves to sleep."
-- Barbara Sher

snow and more snow in the forecast... and tons of manual labor I'm going to be doing to help out my friend. Why? because I care.. and more importantly, because I know what a big step he's taking, an how much he trusts me to be there for him. I'll be happy down the line, hoping he feels at peace later... We'll be giving his place an overhaul. Cleaning up and organizing... Depression takes a toll.. and I know how that goes too well, myself. Anyway, he admitted he felt that asking a friend would force him to follow through.. and said he knew I wouldn't judge, mock or laugh. I told him I hoped to laugh.. but, with him, not at him. He's right, I'm biased, and I care too much to be thoughtlessly rude to him. I LOVE my friends.
Hmmm, and there's a positive for me, as well.. paying him in some way for his kindness and sacrificed time, in my own way... and who knows, it might help me tone up or burn a few pounds of fat off... I need to accept every opportunity for that, these days!

happy meeeee, even though they'll probably deny her initial attempt, I'm pleased to say that the long interview over the phone is over as of about 20 minutes ago. It was for her application for Social Security Disability benefits, Needs based. Wooo Hooo!!!
I'm proud of my daughter... and, VERY glad I'd stayed home from work, to provide better dates, and information RE Dr's, clinics, and hospitals she's been to and through.
So to celebrate, I'm making homemade blueberry muffins!!! BLUE MUFFINS! with nice big berries in 'em.
Yummmmm.

but this song is sweet...