After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.



When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,

"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."



Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

While suturing a cut on the hand of an elderly farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old rancher said, "Well, you know, most politicians are like 'Post Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what is a 'post turtle' ?

The old rancher explained, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

One day Johnny's mom was teaching him how to use the bathroom in six simple steps...

1. Pull pants down
2. Pull penis out
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin foreward
6. Pull pants up

A week later, Johnny's mom was passing the bathroom when she heard him inside repeating the steps to himself, 3,5,3,5,3,5,3,5....

An Americian and a Canadian entered a


chocolate store. As they were busy looking,


the Americian stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the Americian said to


the Canadian: "Hello - Man I'm the best thief, I


just stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. Bet


you can't beat that."

The Canadian replied: "You want to see something


better? Let's go back into the shop and I'll show


you "real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the Canadian


said to the shopkeeper: "Do you want to see


some magic?"



The shopkeeper replied, "Yes."


The Canadian said, "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.

The Canadian asked for a second bar, and he ate

that as well. He asked for the third, and

finished that one too.


The shopkeeper asked, "But where's the magic?"





The Canadian replied, "Check in my friend's pocket

and you'll find all three chocolate bars."

Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.

In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.

About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:

"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"

"Why, yes I did."

"And did you use my name?"

"Why, yes how did you know?"

"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my fucking ears."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "ILU" written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises her hand. Well sweetie, what does "ILU" mean? The little girl replies, "I
love you."
The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet," and continues with class. The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean. A little white boy
raises his hand and says, "It means, You are special." "Thank you sweetheart", the teacher says.
The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters "FUCK" written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means. A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says, "Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!".

His request approved, the CNN News photographer
quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport
to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane
would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane
warming up outside a hanger.


He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,
and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane
into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed
the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make
low passes so I can take pictures
of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN',
he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,
finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'