On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

As I was sitting around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years and you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.


A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.


Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.





Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:




1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?


7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.


8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded

10. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

11. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

12. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

13. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

14. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

15. If Mother Nature wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

16. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

17. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

18. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

19. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

20. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded, HAVE I POSTED THIS MESSAGE BEFORE.............!?!?!?

A new dictionary is soon to come out, defining some issues in marriage that people were curious about. Here are some of the definitions we thought we'd offer to include in it:


Bachelor

1. A man who has been able to avoid the opportunity of making some woman miserable.

2. A man who is said to be foot-loose and fiancee-free.

3. A man who never made the same mistake once.

4. A bad boy who has cheated some poor girl out of her alimony.

5. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

6. The only man who has never told a wife a lie.



Bride

A girl with great prospects of happiness behind her.



Compromise

A nice little arrangement between husband and wife whereby they both fully agree to let her have her own way.



Diplomat

A man who is able to convince his wife that a fur coat would make her look fat.



Gentleman

A husband who holds the stepladder tightly so his wife doesn't fall while she's painting the ceiling.

A man who notices his wife dropping her knitting and immediately kicks it over to her so that she can pick it up.



Housework

What a wife without anyone noticing it until she doesn't do it.



Husband

A man who has decided to give up privileges he never knew he had.

A guy who controls the house and everyone in it, and is allowed by his wife to say so.



Joint Checking Account

A great little device which allows a wife to beat a husband to the draw.



Love

An obsessive delusion easily cured by a wedding.



Mother-in-Law

A woman who slowly destroys a man's peace of mind by telling him what's on hers.



Mrs.

A job title involving long duties, very light earnings and zero recognition.



Spouse

Someone who will protect you, help you and help you solve all the problems you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.



Wife

A partner who is always complaining that she doesn't have a thing to wear at the exact same time she complains about not having enough room in the closet

A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks.

The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."

As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs. As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."

woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"


And with that....i'm on vacation for a couple of weeks......play safe everyone!

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could
have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"

His son replied, "$10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!"

Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!


A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.


Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.


The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"


The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

Empty Beer Cans


Why did the blond have empty beer cans in her fridge?

For her friends who don't drink.

A man walked into a crowded doctors office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked politely, "Yes sir, can I help you?"

"There's something wrong with my cock," he replied. The receptionist was startled and said, "You can't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why cant I? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "Well, we do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your nose or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my nose," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your nose exactly, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it!!" the man sharply responded.