A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each childern in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.


Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader
It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but.........how?
Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning
Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents
Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box

And the favorite...
Better late than..........................pregnant

Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.

He casually asked,"Grandma whats that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didnt say another word.

Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy whats that?" She replied, "Well Johnny thats my beaver."

Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandmas beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!"

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

Fuck..........That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!"

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been reading? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up And says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back
upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.. Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.



When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.



"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"





"What?" said her Grandpa.



"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"

1) “Fine” – This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut up.
2) “Nothing” – means “Something” and you need to be worried.
3) “Go Ahead” – this is a dare, not permission, don’t do it.
4) “Whatever” – A women’s way of saying fuck you.
5) “That’s Ok” – She is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Bonus Word:
“Wow!” – This is not a compliment; she’s amazed that one person could be so fucking stupid.

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "it is!. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.

Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.

Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.

The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.

She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden.........

Frank, the Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.