been listening to these guys the last few days...

distraction... I know most people have already seen this but today was my first

this weekend, Alex's family has been celebrating. A new grand nephew.. his babybrother posted a comment on one of the photos I'd posted to his FB profile which sent a cascade of both well wishes to bro and miss you's for him. I've been quietly noting all that they're sharing with him, this way....

Last week I had issues with my phone account. I've been dealing with this for at least three months now. Suddenly my access was denied, to my account. While on the phone I suddenly knew WHY because of a comment by the tech I'd been working with. He'd made a comment on how they'd had security issues and reset all accounts back to their original settings.

This was HIS account. All this time the MyTMobile account has been waiting for HIS number to be punched in, and HIS password, too. I was finally able to tell someone why their attempts to change my password COULDN'T work. I don't have his number memorized as I did when he was alive. I don't use his password, either. It's been in my name, with this new phone number since December of 2013.

I'd wondered why this weekend hit me so hard, emotionally... NOT just because of how UGLY Lanky's words and attitude have gotten towards me... and how crass and vulgar he's become over the phone and about his broken down old motorcycle and my NEED to have it OUT of sight and away from the apartment complex... but because of the frustration with my phone account, and the revelation as to why I couldn't access it. They sent a new password for me at midnight and a request to rate their assistance. I've yet to try it. Meanwhile... on facebook I'm still linked to the man who PROVED his love for me... The only man who proved it 100% and sacrificed his comfort, as well as life in hopes to heal and have a life together.

Add the frustration that is NEW, with my car and I just recently woke up from a crying jag resulted nap. I needed it, but still feel tears, hot right behind my eyes.

I'm not handling life as well as I'd like. I was chatting with a friend about it and revealed how much a mess I feel I am right now. I think this is my time for healing and for letting go. Time to grieve and get that done for too many family and friends who've lost the battle against diseases like cancer in just the past five years. And over people who'd claiamed to love or value me and turned that around to rage, bitterness, and such confusing messages of bitterness or that they'd lied the whole time, or that I'd read more in.. when it was that person begging me to hold on fast and let them catch up to me... Letting go. Severing my heart strings to someone who never deserved my love.. and healing the pain of missing someone who'd started this heart believing that love and joy and togetherness could be possible for me... Letting go of dreams and of fears. Letting go of foolish hopes and dreams for things that will never be for me... and pulling inwards to try and heal, lick my wounds and then to stand up and walk forward a more focused and more professional less foolish version of myself as if that's possible...

sigh

yesterday was long... about 10 hours of being away from home, almost nine of that was waiting and watching, and having my car's problems pointed out to me.

I'd bought the timing belt and water pump in advance... took them back today. Other things were more important, like both accessory belts, the pulley for the alternator/power steering belt, and one of the front tires was in such terrible shape, it's a wonder it hadn't caused an accident long ago.

I drove home on a prayer. All the tire stores were closed. And on Sundays in this state, most of them aren't open on a Sunday, at all.

I found that one of the Walmarts that I go to had ONE left of the right size of tire... 205 60R 15. On sale. Wish they'd had two.

But I'm still on edge...

You see...after returning the $200+ worth of timing belt and water pump, my engine when from power to Huh... and sounding like an old rumbly truck... it CAN accelerate and move, but it's got a vibration... No, it's not the replacement tire, this happened before I got it and still is happening now. I'm not sure what to do. But I've got to be able to get to and from work and stores and places like that.

this is the second day in a row that I'm not at work.... today due to the mechanic who will take care of the repairs not being able to get to it until Saturday. NO clue if or how I'll get to work tomorrow. Like that matters... I HAVE to go to work.

Yesterday, due to puking guts out and frustration beyond my control....

but last night was amazing to me... texting info re my car to the mechanic who'll do it for costs, I HOPE... he gets HUGE money now, for what he does... so this is simply a gift of friendship from the past... as neighbors, a decade ago.

texting with DCshoe, about his life. Catching up. And a phone call with one of the men here I see as a giant, how gloriously his soul shines to me... It was devastating and wonderful trying to juggle as I listened, shared and cared.

My daughter has no comprehension of how she behaves and views the world around her is wayyyyyy OFF and overly dark and terrifying. So emotionally UNhealthy. I'm flailing....but I'm still upright and balancing... Somehow, I'm still strong enough to make that huge pile balance and not tumble as it might.

wishing for something I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for... but longing for a connection and arms to wrap around me helping me feel safer, wanted and cared about...

God, it seems like the older I get the more insane my aching and wetness gets... I'm not lowing down or drying up.... juicy pussy on overdrive... with fingers and toys to distract it... I'll do my best...

I had my blood drawn last week.. this week's the gastro doc... I'd rather not think about it.. or about what I"ll face re innards and thoughts as to IF... then most likely a urologist, or gyn to handle this... shaking head.. who am I to hope for help? I've got no medical coverage for anything I really NEED. My world is crashing onto my shoulders... but I've caught myself in time to avoid some things getting worse... the rest is age, and abuse related... I'm okay.

Lanky's got a woman in his life.... angry bitter words slung at me when I'd simply tried to address some things that I've tried to discuss with him.. months and months ago... still accuses, still refuses to listen or handle things calmly... there's NO trust or respect there... and yet, he insists he's wanted my friendship more than anything.God, he's an idiot.. all he's doing is making it clear he's never truly gotten what and who I am.. or how his actions words and verbal lashings and punishment for love have torn me to pieces... clinging to me and finding every fucking reason for connection also tears me up... he doesn't get it... I can't sleep after he's ripped me to pieces.... I'm tired, but I can't sleep.. I didn't get any sleep.

Good news... daughter's losing weight.. moving forward with dating, too... and she MIGHT actually HELP me with chores and basics once in a blue moon... I do not get that laziness and blatant disregard.. and angry raised voice... it's all about YOU Mom... you never think of ME... Sigh...

I've raised her, loved her... fought for her, cried and sacrificed for her.. and she'll never appreciate that. A depressed, self centered person can't see that people love them, give to them as much as they can.. they demand all or nothing.. rage, threaten... and throw tantrum... MY ex husband, Lanky, and my daughter... all three alike. One I'll be chained to for the rest my life... because I'm Mom.... and Mom.. she loves her miracle... she truly is a miracle...

A motorcycle will be moved some time soon.... a man will communicate with me less and less as his relationship is explored, developed and grown with his "friend."

I'm only going to be here, once in a while... I'm feeling too down and frustrated... and then grateful for so much love and goodness...I wish I felt as loved by family. I'm stranded, and I'm going to have to pay bills with the money for my timing belt, and tune up... I've got no choice.

I'll be posting some jewelry on eBay soon, and artwork.. prints and originals. I NEED the money so much. I'll make things work some how... I'm asking a man who is a recent member due to me corrupting him... who says it's kinky to imagine me back when I was a churchy woman... and then me in a church dress... banding over for him to play with me...
sigh.. someone to play with me... nodding in my dreams....
my dreams will do for who knows how long.

fantasies run wild through me, from time to time... sigh

with no man in my life.... well... I tend to still drool and make a mess down there, creamily regardless...

eyes close as my hand wanders down, trailing fingertips over my smooth skin... imagining lips brushing over me... the hairs of a chest tickling me as he skims me with lips, chin whiskers and nibbles with teeth as well as tongue and lips... delight tingling through me... senses alive... eager to feel and touch, smell and taste, and hear whispers and moans... creaks of the bed as we shift... bodies on fire... alive, heated, charged with energy and craving...


anticipation... after kisses again on my mouth, neck and breasts.... then tantalizing touch, licks and suckling of clit and thick wet juicy lips between my thighs...

moans and tremors shudder through me as he lifts his eyes to devour me... as is his mouth.. he begins again, needing my cum and my orgasms for his pleasure as much as mine...

his hard phalanx ready to slide between my folds and thrust into my soft and hungry pussy...

I'm tired... but had a nice day. Work was mostly emails, so that was a major relief since it's our job, and why I've stayed here at my work... I needed the lifting to the stress and strain emotionally

to be honest, this weekend was amazing to me.... Friday night I had a wonderful time with my dad, Angel-Mom, and siblings and their kids at a rodeo. World and National pro riders and ropers were there. It was incredibly impressive. I'd forgotten just how much I LOVE rodeos and country music... and the smell of horse and leather.

Stayed up past midnight, but was able to head out and north, to Honeyville for a big maternal family reunion. Wow, I learned about my ancestors who were Utah pioneers. They'd owned Crystal Hot Springs, but had to sell it and all the land bit by bit to pay bills and survive. A widow with 6 wee ones.. she was an amazing woman. Anyway... I took home memories, a belly full of potluck food, a sore throat from loud laughter from time with a wonderful cousin-in-law I played Bocce ball with... and a neon green tshirt commemorating the reunion. I needed this more than I'd imagined. I do wish I'd added something for Sunday... another trip up to Park Silly to chill with my friend... and peruse the tables and booths again. I'm looking forward to the next time I head up there. But for now, I've got projects to work on. A leather cuff bracelet for a friend from here... and a sculpture of a zebra-corn(striped unicorn)... and of course, more wire wrapped jewelry and maybe a few tiny paintings.

I'm getting to know an artist who's heading up this way... Divorce is sending him back home to Utah. And I get to meet him some time in the next month. He and I have been chatting, and talked each other's ears off today. He's nice. And I'm just going to relax and sit back to watch my friendships grow... or not....
and focus on my needs and those of my daughter... and on being happy.

I'm so grateful for friendships. those with old friends and new ones... none of you are OLD, to me... just saying with a stink eye here.. see? my right one... yup, there, you got it.... behave like the lusty dear and darling people I love.