a song I feel like revisiting...

okay.. something sappy dear and well... it's adorable. I'm sure we've all come across this one once or twice... but there are parents out there, like this one... who sacrifice the truth for the sake of a joyous life for their children.

a week of being pumped up on Prednisone.. and having been without for a bit... I'm worn out, exhausted... weepy and reclusive.

Lanky called before and while down here on Saturday... I don't understand him at all... I finally got the truth that he's had playmates up there, since well, I don't really know... I almost threw up right there, after he opened up... seriously, I hurled into my mouth... and I still haven't asked for my key, or parking sticker... how weak and stupid am I?

I took myself up to Park City, to the Park Silly market all the way up there... on a quest for a hug. My friend Spencer used to have some of the best hugs to give... I claimed a few in his arms. He had me sit with him and watch passers-by, and I enjoyed watching that man's changes work for him. He talked about being old (at 39) and how he can't handle alcohol much at all any more. We talked about his photography and being there at the venue. I shared about my past... what I sacrificed due to misplaced trust and love... letting my dreams fall to the mud and walked away from them, to move to this state.

I wandered up and down the rows of booths and found a couple with stones and sea shells I liked enough to pay too much for, for my jewelry designs... one of a kind creations. I stopped at a couple f booths and talked with the artists about their wares... and one asked me to be sure to show him some of my photography. Eventually I returned to my friend's side and helped take down canvases and pack them up. It felt good to be there, and to get to help him pack up as much as he let me. I miss the hippie feel to festivals markets and things like this.. I miss the feeling of accomplishment when people buy my things or ask for my card. I WANT that again... I NEED to rebuild myself. I NEED to care enough to dive in and work for hours at a time as I used to.

I'm flailing... but I know what I need... to go up into the mountains to see, hear, feel, taste and be cleansed by the waters and sunlight. I NEED it... and I need to NEED my artwork, too. Paining, sculpting, wire wrapping and beading... drawing and anything else I can manage.
I miss it.

I need it...

Like breath and water and light.

distraction through music...


Love Apocaliptica


and lastly...
loving this song more than anything... there are a few versions, with other artists... the song is poignant to me, for personal reasons.... One reason I personally love THIS version is who's singing it... and the country twang Brent chose to add to his rendition of this haunting, sadly beautiful message...

when I'm allowing self doubt to take over... I tend to sabotage my relationships... Ex, first, Lanky... and now... I could easily ruin every single relationship and friendship between myself and any one or all of the men who've acted interested at one time or another.

And, I worry that I'll keep on doing that, for the remainder of my life... all, because that little girl inside of me is scared of being destroyed again by the ones that come back... and the new ones, too. I've never had anyone want me enough to stay and prove it, and show me what he values in me.

All I did was ask my ex for two things he loved about me, that were about ME, WHO I was... and he rejected my simple request, and threw at me the demand in reply for every password to my accounts and full relinquishing of our bank accounts to his control.. MY accounts. All my secrets that had he been a decent or good man, I'd never had to build and hide in the first place.

Men who walked away claiming all I wanted from them was sex, and questioning what I saw in them at all... THEY'D been the ones to misinterpret my invitations for a BBQ, askance for help with an impossible chore for my weak body to do, or walk on the sands of the Great Salt Lake, or a walk in the canyon alone with me to signify LUST and sexual demands?

A man who constantly had to remind me he didn't feel that extra something he called being in love, or connection, with me... a man who kept coming back... and recently I've learned how he'd act so lonely and sappy when I'd be busy with my life, and leave him to his own devices... how he'd throw his relationship around in front of others, say, Dawn this and as I said to Dawn, that... why say these things, when in public treat me as if I'm invisible, and unimportant... forever searching for some body younger and not me

A man who claimed a powerful connection, forever ending up disconnecting after sex to use some version of something, alcohol, drugs TV... mutters of how it's only this good with me... expressions of awed wonderment at that and why it was always good when he'd been with me... the drinking or riding a wave of drug induced stupor was always my reason to let go of him...

men who wandered in and acted satisfied, happy and seemed to love spending time with me and had someone else on the side to wander off with and let go

men who simply weren't a match and I let go right away, to avoid another Sad Sack or bitterly rude viper

I'm scared... a scared child who was never what her family wanted of her. Whose daddy was absent and who learned that she was not good enough, couldn't measure up... and was too destroyed by her illnesses an medicines to ever be seen as a human being. A child learns terrible things.

I need to cradle that sad whimpering little girl right now in my arms... That poor little girl who's hopes for acceptance were shattered by mocking of her pain, and inability. Mocked and even beaten because she was different.

The chemotherapy I was on as a child was torture for my body. From the age of 9, through 13, I felt its touch... this was all because of a bad batch of TB testing serum that showed positive, when there was nothing there... incontinent, throwing up, loss of hair, inability to move without extreme pain in every limb.. and my mungs were ravaged. The wort part was the destruction to self image, and self esteem... as a child and , and teen... I was abused verbally and accosted by boys and girls about my looks.... add to it, the fact that I was struggling at below poverty level and wore Salvation Army rejects, literally... the snagged, torn, stained clothes that were unable to be sold.

I've made due with so much of my life.... I thought I had to make due with relationships with men as much as I'd had to with my family relationships and lack thereof.

I'm scared. I'm tired of loving and then being utterly destroyed and my love being mocked and pointed out as lacking worth.

I'm at a loss and I'm scared I'll continue to sabotage every vestige of a good thing I had, have, or can have in the future.

I'm tired of wondering and thinking I'll never be the one anyone wants by his side.

I'm lost.

still no clue what'd happened to me the other day. My new PCP didn't seem to see it as much more than anxiety, stress and dehydration... Hmmmmm, 'kay... more water. not bad news, so I won't complain.
Tux, the girly bits are safe and fine... though for some reason that hard cold speculum kinda pinched... I've got a cut down there... kinda needs a kiss.
any takers? winks...

I was reminded to stay positive by a dear local. To let it make things work like we know it will. Good attitude.

I have paperwork for my labs, and for that scary Smash da Boobz thing.. mammogram. I guess I'll finally do it.

the complexities of relationships confuse me to no end...

I'm not sure what to think of men, and how they think, feel or deal with any of that.. thoughts, feelings, and circummstances... Every man I've known has his own version of right and wrong, of anger, and joy, of acceptable and not. I'm not sure how we women and men can ever truly comprehend one another without giving one another a chance.

I'm at a lose right now.... I've got one man in my life who's spark and personality made my smile so bright it reminded friends and my daughter of someone whom I will never touch and make love to on this side of life... Now, I miss this man's light and goodness as he's going through some things that are frustrating him.

A friend from here told me to just relax, and let go of overthinking and over worrying... he reminded me using a quote.. from ME. I'll do my best. I don't want to lose a good man's friendship and trust.

I'm being asked WHEN, by a man from my past.. "WHEN, Dawn, can I see you again. I've never stopped thinking of you... we had a real and amazing connection."
Nods, we had a connection, yes... but it's sexually based. His sexual teacher... I remind him of her. My lust, my hunger, my body and responses and use of him, too, I guess.

A man from my hometown keeps asking me about people we'd both known due to church and school. He was in his early 30's when I was in high school... He'd graduated in the first graduating class from our HS. It's weird to think of me having dated a man who'd been so much older that in these times he'd be considered a pedophile if he'd pursued me when he was 18-33.

Lanky.. I won't explain it... I'll always love and miss his touch and desire... and the times when he was genuine, honest, comfortable... I wish there'd been more of that between us. Too late though...
I wish he could comprehend that jealousy wasn't my driving force... but caring, genuinely for a wayward man making dangerous and foolish choices... the look of doing something wrong, tempting a young woman 18 years old into his arms.. she looked nubile and younger than her age... I looked 14 at the age of 20-25... I do not wish that man to be seen as having a valid record... but maybe it actually IS valid. Shuddering sadly, shaking my head. I can't let my heart or mind dwell on that... his life. his choices... if he chooses to burn himself in hell being the lusty drooling man he is... maybe he NEEDS to pay the price in full.
I do not wish ANYONE harm. I do NOT WANT Hell for anyone that I love... but some people refuse to heed warnings and refuse to take responsibility for actions or attitudes and for the consequences of their choices. Forever blaming the ones he played with and ended up hurting his relationship with me, or others... forever blaming the temptresses that he toyed with pursued, flirted enticed even more than they played with him...

I'm slipping into resignation... recognizing that there's nothing that I have to offer that men will want. A good woman is a dime a dozen here, so I've learned...

hmm, resignation isn't mine yet.. I'm pumped up, hyped up on Prednisone overdose... jitters, no sleep for a couple of days... over thinking, and incapable of shutting.... OFF

life... it's interesting how things go... you know?

one day you're feeling on top of things, then you tumble and crumble... but you know... life is going to keep propelling you forward... so diving back into it, is the best way to go...

I'm blessed. I feel loved by some dear souls. And confused by too many in my every day life...

but I'm still in awe of eyes that sparkle softly when they focus on me... of a smile that stretches over a face and hands that clasp mine, or cradle my chin or cheek.. hands that claim me, and tug me closer, nearer, kneading my body, and proving desire... words softly spoken in admiration and... almost awe? All I know is... I love some few who're good and dear men... I've met a few from here, in person, and just on the phone or other ways, too... There are also souls that i get to hug in person when we have... kisses for some few... and honesty and dear friendships...

I have been blessed... no matter how some see my struggles... they're mine. I accept and acknowledge them, so that I can simply move forward, through it all...

I love my family, especially my daughter... and I've loved the children of men I've wanted, and thought could want me... I'm blessed when I get to interact with their families at all... and I have, with a few of the locals whom I love. My love doesn't just end. It can't. Love is a forever power and piece of me... I cannot terminate it without killing off a part of myself.

I'm grateful to be learning in person what I'd longed for when I'd found my sweet seems so long ago. I'm learning that he was right. There are other good men in this world. Oh yes, indeed there are.

there is nothing I fear more than love...

loving someone is taking a huge risk... making me feel so utterly vulnerable... and shattered.