have you ever wondered if you'll ever trust or feel safe again?

have you felt so broken there just can't be a way to ever fully heal or feel whole?

I didn't want to ever feel like this again. Never, ever... it's been harder this time around just because... it took me so long to get to where I was before it all came crumbling down.

but I also know that God, the Goddess, the Universe... has lessons for us to learn. There are hurdles we must climb or leap over... and rewards we are to attain. Not in our time, but in the timing already established.

today I took my daughter to the zoo. today I had a long texted conversation with a man I'd met on line a while ago... and because Lanky was yo-yoing I didn't move forward... because well.. even now, if he made it clear he missed and was sincere, my love and desire were well worth giving him a chance.. to me...

anyway... this man admitted he's been very interested in meeting... I know he'd made that clear back then, too... but today, I promised him I was serious about giving him a chance... and when my daughter and I talked, she made me give her a pinky-promise.. reminding me of the seriousness of that commitment... explaining again that if you follow through you lose one pinky. If it's a lie or not important again, you lose the other pinky... you only get two chances, and if you screwed up again... well, life is is over. you're done.

tomorrow night, he's calling me for the first time ever. and we'll talk about it, and plan a time and date. What IS it about guys who've driven trucks for a living??? or at least seem to know their way around a car or truck... and who love their kids... and seem laid back... we'll see

I'm nervous. I can't dive into anything like I used to. I'd rather never have sex or even kisses again, than be crushed and twisted up inside again. I'm tired of lies in anger, or desperation... I'm needing honesty, patience and gentleness proof of the attraction and real feelings because that's exactly what it will take.

I liked an article I read the other day.... a woman expressing her view, that she doesn't need a man in her life. She doesn't need a man to fix her. But that she'd love a man by her side, to help her heal Friendship and trust are imperative for any of that. I'm scared that trust can't be fixed, or healed. nods.. that's how I am too. don't try to fix me or take away the pain... don't try to carry me 100% of the time... let me walk on my own feet, and support me, as I support you. let us lean together, learn together, and maybe one day find out that we love each other enough to want US

I don't want to forever reject men simply because I use broken trust from another man as a sort of deflection and shield against others, and any trust developing between us. but I also have no desire to go through realization of having chosen someone most likely due to instinct telling my soul that he'd reject me, thus choosing what I'm used to over what I need and desire... by the way, I realize that lately I've blamed poor Lanky of things he never did, or did after feeling he had no other choice or was pissed off enough to just be angry.
I love him, so I'll let go rather than be a cruel bitch.

sweet dear, sad... and honest

a brand new song from one of my absolute favorite Salt Lake City bands... as in.. JUST released... seriously.. these guys are so talented and adaptable...

ENJOY



IRONY.... the lead singer, Neal.. his wife is stunning and sweet... it was ironic that as I was pulling into the post office local to me today... his wife was coming back to her SUV... me with Royal Bliss blasting through my open windows, and her... with their sticker on the back window....

Not this tune, but one of their latest chart breakers, Turn Me On. Just was cool to see someone I know and appreciate for her sacrifices and devotion to her hubby the band, and their bar/club... the dreams they're turning into reality.

And Sean just signed on as a permanent part of this band... still works with and performs with Candlebox and Bad Donkey.. all amazing and very down to earth people. I happen to love them as friends.

Mmm sliding under the soft cool sheets... getting ready for sleep to claim me... amazing what herbals can do for you.... getting more than just dozy... I'll be gone in no time... sliding deeper and adding a light blanket over my naked skin.... mmMmmmm closing eyes and letting it begin...

night, sweet dreams to all

Zen, my dragon scale Betta.... Dragon.. how appropriate for me... I'm The Dragon Lady in some circles (artistic ones, people)

He is my little bit of peace, my Zen Dragon.

[url]https://drive.google.com/file/d/1mjNO_Gz3iyqrRgM012qtyFplCsp-9TNRvw/view[/url]

this Memorial day weekend was nice and a bit on the quiet side... and yet, not *sigh*

I had lunch with the older guy from my hometown Saturday and pretty much most of the weekend was resting, playing with my toys, cleaning, shopping....playing with my fingers... resting, eating... playing... shopping, repeat... spent too much between gemstones for wire wrapping for jewelry, clothes and things for making me feel better about my present-ability when it comes to interviewing, and just being out around other human beings.

I worked on watermarking my photos from my jaunt up the canyon last week... figure I've got to do it like I used to when selling prints or digital versions of my photography over the web.

I'm done pretending that I'm okay, so I'll do what I can to build myself up with elbow grease, time and money if and when need be.

I'm concerned about my health as well as that of my daughter. Won't go into it right now... no coverage, and such limited insurance that tests like the one I want/need will be my full responsibility.

I am in love with the beauty of this state, the more I explore it... how I wish I could afford to travel and experience more... I can picture me wearing out batteries in phone, cameras and having to upload hundreds of thousands of photos of the world around me... if only.

Ahh, well... I'm here. I'm alive... and I'll do what I can within my limited means. Such is life, such is the pocketbook.

What I saw of the concert was good. Lanky had shown up earlier and mutual friends told me he was here and tried to find him for me... even after I'd explained that I was no longer sure if we were even friends.

When he did appear from where ever he'd been, his eyes were bloodshot and he was constantly rubbing his head. It reminded me of our rituals, of me sitting on my bench in the living room, with him on the floor leaning against my body between my thighs back to me, so I could give him a deep cranial massage, down through his neck and over his shoulders. I knew it'd help but couldn't let myself offer it, fearing he'd reject my offer.

I was amazed that he stayed by my side most of the time I was there... standing and then when I found him sitting, admitting he was worn out... I sat beside him at a little table towards the front door. I still care about the man. I know his health issues. His brain damage and how bad his headaches get. When added stress heightens his troubles and pain, it's out of control, and dangerous. I wish he had the ability to afford medical care, because he needs to see a neurologist regularly.

I was still anxious, unsure how to act. But it was nice to just try to enjoy the music the new versions of their old music, and being beside someone I once enjoyed spending time with enough to look forward to every adventure and thing we went to do, even simple grocery shopping.

When the band we enjoy, The Last Wednesday was finally done, and he was waiting to pay his tab, I held my arms out wide, smiling softly imploringly looking up at him, and wrapped my arms around this tall rail thin man and felt him groan out softly as if he'd needed it, too... felt him pull me closer and tighter, his arms securely around me for a while. It felt so good, he poured out so much good into me and the flow of energy was beautiful. How I wished our hugs had always been this way. I know that after so many comments about the positive in Spencer's hugs, he'd acted frustrated at times making comments about his own.

And then, back when we'd split then tried to get back together, there it was... sweetness to his hugs. I was more at peace about it, and able to accept whatever will be, or not be... praying he felt my love for him in those brief seconds. Wishing he'd learn just what and who I am... and that I'm not like the other women he's played with loved or been with. I'm too friggin' shatterd me, to be like them.

Anyway, I tried to keep my promise to him about letting him known when I would leave... I guess I should have understood his response to my letting him know, of, "I won't take long, Dawn, just a few minutes to get autographs and say good-byes." If this happens again, I'll wait and watch. I'd left and changed into comfy warm leggings and a T-shirt for bed by the time he got here. He came in, and I'd forgotten I'd mentioned I'd prefer we get to talk in person so.. we didn't discus things that seemed pertinent to him, or to me... just fluff and about the foods in my freezer, the concert and being able to spend time together. He had to go... I grabbed the bag of frozen salmon fillets and his nice thick steak, and handed it over to him.. foregoing the heavy box filled with his videos and so many other this and that bits and pieces. I knew it'd be too much at once.

As he walked out, and turned for a see you later, I walked out barefoot onto my rainsoaked welcome mat and went up on tippy toes for yet another hug. I don't want him to ever feel I have ever not loved him for who he is, faults idiocy and crushing blows and all. I've learned more at his hands in the past two, almost three years, than I learned from that marriage of mine. I learned far quicker, far sweeter things from Alex, but Lanky too has had some good messages and decency to share with me... I miss our hikes, I miss so much... but life will compel me forward with it in the tide. I must learn my lessons well. I need to recognize enough truth about the things people claim to see in me... after all the tearing down of my soul, and trying to rectify it and even acting like there was no way he'd ever say or think such ugly things of me... I wish men could hear their tone of voice and the harsh brutality of words lashed out with wicked precision cutting, slicing flesh of spirit and self-image into shards and scattered bits of dreams. Then again, I admit I've got an acrid tongue and it's the reason we're barely even able to be friends. I see it as still a maybe.

I accept that I MUST take responsibility upon my shoulders... for without my giving too much power to anyone else over me and my hopes and dreams, I'm heaving a weight upon their shoulders... men don't like that burden. Men also do not stay around, forgive and let someone stay like we women do. We forgive, and are expected to keep on forgiving, even when it's beyond deserving... so.. when a woman acts as quickly and coldly as I have... it confuses and enrages the men who cannot grasp why I'd give up and stop believing so abruptly in them, and in me.

Today is the last of my three day weekend. MY daughter still is struggling with her breathing and lost voice. I'm not sure what to do for her, other than take her to the Urgent care tonight. Maybe I should if they're open.

I was completely confused the other day... my unsure-what-to-call-him-at-this-point... maybe a smidge left of our friendship... *sigh* ergghhhh,,,

Lanky called me Thursday evening... I'd been thinking of calling him myself, but wiped that thought away as a foolish one... I'm just utterly confused by the man. He's okay with seeing me, then pissy when talking to me. Calls then doesn't seem to care that nothing we plan goes through. I don't understand him. He's the one who became enraged with me accusing me of things he's done and said... and then making it painfully clear how he feels...

But part of the call was actually decent. He finally asked me why I don't say goodbye or let him know when I'm leaving a concert or anything he's at.

I told him I was scared to even acknowledge him, that he knows I still love him but I was confused and shook up over his rage. I wasn't saying goodbye, because he acts like I' barely even a human, let alone there. So WHY, why would he even WANT me to reach out, hug him or anything?

I reminded him that I was no longer his friend to him, that he'd been too angry for me to take. Just because I was falling apart over the hospitalization of my dear aunt last weekend, wasn't any reason for me to believe he gave a SHIT about what was happening in my family or in my life.

He admits to still being angry with me.... I don't even know why. I don't understand the man and who he thinks I am. Accused me of eing too full of negative and that he couldn't be around that... a quote from me months before... a slap in my face, I'm sure... I reminded him that at that time he and my daughter were so full of themselves, their sorrows, their depressions fears and frustrations they'd poured all of that into me, punishing and damning me. He acted justified in repeating himself about seeing me as too full of it... and then insisted I'm stronger than I believe.. as if I have to right to feel weak? As if I'm too strong to not fall down? I'm at a loss... I am a human. I feel pain. I feel offended and crushed when someone I love punishes me for loving and wanting them.

And yet he had for a moment been softer on me, listened for a moment... he's still the same man, wanting just to pour his thoughts and issues over people and not hear what's going on in their lives. Friendship and relationships are NOT designed to be 100% ONE SIDED... That is NOT how we're meant to be... I cannot forever rescue others and not need a rescue from someone, too. God, I do not understand. He was angry with me for not taking care of myself when I ws taking care of him and her... I had no time for me. I have no clue how to take care of and protect myself from the people I love. I was not taught to take care of or respect myself. All those decades of being a service person, of not looking out for myself... he hates me for having lifted and nurtured him? I guess he will always blame the person that he let lead him, or heal him, or take care of him, or was hurt by and affected by his negative, as if I can protect myself from letting that weight me down... I'm my own punisher, I do not ever need someone else to do it... I'm my own worst enemy, so why dump that on me and remind me that I'm a failure at protecting myself... WHY not help and lift me up, too? WHO will lift me up when I'm flailing? WHO? Not someone who lived with me, was loved and trusted by me... no, not someone who once meant too much to me.

I'm still flailing. I still ache when I see his things in my apartment. I realized I'd bout a Royal Bliss t-shirt for him, not for me or my daughter, so it's now packed up with his things and things that remind me of him... bought with thoughts of seeing him or spending time with him... The T-shirt had been for his birthday in September. I'm thinking if he keeps attacking me verbally and emotionally there's no reason to wait to give it to him... YES, I WILL give it to him... WHY? Because I love him. Because I want the best for him. Because he doesn't deserve the thought and joy I'd planned on giving him by packing it up in a manilla bubble-wrap envelope to arrive in time for HIS day. He no longer deserves that loving effort. And that hurts me more than he will ever know. Because when I love I love forever. And I feel that he's chosen to truly be on the side of my ex-husband... as hurtful a soul as that? God, I know he knows just how brutal that man had been to me, and hates being told he reminds me or Karina of him with something he's done or said... but sadly it's true. HE reminds me of a man who's scared of changes of loss and of love. Someone who cannot ever come to grips with his responsibility for hurting someone else.. he has to always find someone else to blame he refuses his responsibilities... and that's sad to me, but... I know enough people who're that way.

I promised him I'd let him know that I'm leaving next time I feel compelled to walk out a door, instead of walking out because I'm lost and feeling like there's no one there to miss me when I go... Apparently there's something about me that men must punish me for recognizing the need to let go of them. Maybe it's His Loss as so many say.. but it's also mine. I miss the good times... I miss gentleness and kindness. He's bitter that I'm letting this frustrating ugly break up destroy my ability to let men in... I told him I try, and he spat out that I shoot them down before I give them a chance. He doesn't know. The ONLY men who're attracted to me are so broken and twisted I do not want them. WHY would I want to be the whore of a young wealthy Musslim from work who only saw me as sex while he's away from Kenya and his wife there. No... I won't be used like that. I'd thought him single and was displeased with his requirements. I'll not do the woman on the sly again. I'm tired of men not acting proud to be with me, or treating me like I'm someone special. I had my best friend live with me, sleep with me and refuse to be honest about his relationship with me. I'm done with hidden shameful secret me. I'm done with feeling unwanted undesired disrespected and lied to and used. I deserve far, far better. I want better too.

Right now, the only two men I go out to do things with are two older rounder men. One, the friend that was my downstairs neighbor, grad from my High School in Eugene. He's in poor health out of shape and his pot belly is getting bigger. I'm not attracted to him, but he treats me nicely. We talk about social work, life experiences and how they create who we are and how we can get past those things that gave us the patterns we look for in the wrong kinds of marriages and relating. We talk of Oregon, of things and places that we miss. The other is the little swinger, also pot bellied and a neighbor... I'm not sure what to think of him. He's lived the life of a voyeur and loved that he had two exhibitionist wives. The last one must have looked good. She really stirred him up but she blamed him for her play and accused him of things that crush him still... three years later. The men I meet are too broken and incapable of being Mister Right for me... at least not right now. These two are the only ones who're interested in me who may be of worth, at least as friends. Maybe one day someone will show up and prove he's worthy of my time and desire and worth the risk of trust, of friendship and of love.

For now, I'm a mess and I know it. I was told not a mess.. a beautiful hot mess. Not sure if that's any better.

For now, I'll test the waters of friendship and see who can truly be a friend. For now... I wish I had someone to just be my fuck buddy when I need to get my fix and still be there for me as friend, too... just not sure if that's at all possible.

For now, I've got a daughter that really IS a mess and needs to get herself some help. And I'll support her through it. I had to tell her off for her attitude today and for being a Trauma Drama Queen. I explained that her life is always tragic, bitter, she's always a victim, and that she's got to stop that. She makes her own choices.. She lets her overreacting ruin opportunities and life for not just her, but me, too and all who know her. I reminded her that she was once like Lanky, manipulative, poor me attitude. That has to be over. She has to take control and be more positive. I told her that positive will bring more positive for her. Negative thoughts and feeling bring more negative and we're done with that in this household. So help me God.

Her father got re-baptized into the LDS church today. Good for him and good for her for being there to support and honor his decision. She told me she wants to go back to church, too. I told her that sounded good. She's said this so many times before. I wouldn't mind going back, myself... except the congregation we're assigned to is very judgmental and forgetful of who you are and that you've been there a dozen other times... at least they were when I was going.

I miss feeling like I matter to myself. I know that I need to for my efforts to rise up out of a $10.28 per hour place in life to making enough to maybe live and have a life... I will loose my alimony not long from now. I'd thought I'd be somewhere else making better money, long ago... but I'm still here in a rickety dilapidated apartment and paying for debts of the past from my married days. Debts we'd thought paid off with the mortgage refinance we did way back in 2005. The debt was so small back then, I've got so many more months to pay it off.

I'm electing to go off signing a lease contract for my apartment. I'll go month to month for $25 more per month. I want OUT and into something better. Thing is, it's hard to find something decent for as little as I'd be able to afford if she lost her job over her health issues. I can't afford anything more than the cost of this apartment WITH the alimony and my pittance. I'm not sure how I'd make up for that money if she quit or was fired from her job. Yes, really that could happen. It does all the time at a call center. This one at least tries to salvage you and work with you if you let them know what's happening.

All I know is I've got to fight my way up out of this temporary state of mine, and back to the point where I shine with enough strength and confidence that I KNOW I can succeed and prove that I can do anything I want to. I need to first believe in myself. Trust myself again.

I think I'll head down to The Royal tonight for a back together again concert for a band I've enjoyed. We'll see. I won't mind if I just stay in for the night, either. I am the one who chooses what I do and where I go and what my life will be filled with. I need and deserve a better calibre of friends and men in my life. And I deserve to be able to experience travel, fun, exploration and joy if I can attain it in what I have left of my life.
I want to LIVE not be a moping zombie.

I want to BREATH in life and breath out joy.

asleep desperately horny... with my jelly vibe buzzing inside me.. woke up to gooey puddle o' pussy drool, and pulled out the dying vibe coated with thick cream... and I never did get an Ooooo...

sigh... I was in extreme need this afternoon as well... used the rabbit mixed with the crazy thick phalanx it was attached to.. and.. oooh, myyy.... there we go... about time....

I'll be loony for the next while... the need controls and consumes me.

trying to distract myself... I'll bury myself in some books and leather crafts, and maybe some erotic study drawings... hmmm gotta do something