time to take Christmas things down to the storage unit. And time to bring a few things I've been missing and wanting, back home with us, to go through them and see how much we'd really want to keep and, how many things we really do not need or want any longer.

So many things we've been without, for so long.. it's time to get rid of most of what I've got stored there once and for all.
Wasted money for the cost of that awful little unit. And a waste of space when there are other things I'd like to cycle in and out of storage in rotation as I once used to to.

So, change starts each and every day. Improvements. Letting go of the past in so very many ways and making room for the now and what might come my way to brighten up the future.

Today... with no real explanation.. we, my daughter and I feel like crying, like giving up and just not caring. For some reason the sorrow is without any comprehension, yet all too real. We both have resisted motion, and are finding it hard to take the steps I wanted to have finished by now. I'd thought we'd already be back from the storage unit. Miserably cold with froen toes and fingers, but happy due to success in making changes and getting things accomplished. Instead, I'm still in my jammies, with them stuffed into my jeans so that can just get it over and done... and get back home, with or without the things I need to go through.

for some reason... I adore this musician's music and lyrics.

taking down the Christmas things, and trying to figure out what to do on my birthday. I'm going to take that as a personal day this year. It's on Martin Luther King Jr day, this year... so, I guess I get a national holiday?

Anyway, I need every day I can afford to take to destress myself. It will be after my paycheck... and a few days before my daughter's birthday... she'll be working, and poor kid got herself worked up worrying over how to get to and from work that day, and about what if Mom is offered the job at Netflix.

Overreacting with escalated anxiety, raging, raised voices all of that reminds me of what I HAD to leave behind, with my ex... I told her that she was acting like her father. Things are hard for the both of them. Change is torture to them.

I need that day of. I'll need it even more by the time it comes around.

I'm an afterthought when it comes to birthdays, there at work... so I just don't want to be looked over yet again. I need to just be alone.

This year, I MAY take the daughter to dinner at a burger joint where two of the bigger Utahn bands are going to put on an acoustic performance, as a birthday celebration for both of us. I'm just not sure about anything any longer.

already wanting and wishing and I haven't even gone a week yet... lol, go figure... anyway, it's merely fantasy that fills my mind. No one specific, just a man to share my bed with, on a cold dark night, like this one...

so chilly outside. Freezing me to the bone.

I miss a man sliding under the sheets, casting aside his clothes before doing so... God, I loved that when a man was comfortable beside me.

to feel his legs entwined with mine. Bodies close and his strong arm draped over my body and his hand clasping a breast cradling and caressing it lazily.

relaxed, just the two of us, with my pile of pillows and a couple of warm blankets to help hold the heat that we're aching to share, to ourselves

Oh how divine to feel his skin against mine his angles and planes pressed against my soft velvety flesh...

My hair being brushed aside as his lips kiss and tease, sending thrills down my spine... arching my back instinctively, burying my ass against his own body....

mmmm bliss indeed

I put together a tiny art card to post on eBay, and got it on there today, in time for theme week. This is my first effort that I've gotten finished for any themes for my guilds in a about a year or well.. over a year. Anyway, it's an arctic fox.

if you want to take a peek, look for dawndreaming on eBay. I'm starting it cheap, but I need to rebuild my following, so this is okay.

I'll post more artwork and jewelry there, rather soon!

I'm collecting old and new friends on FaceBook. It's an unique thing to me. Men I've never met in person, rather, on websites. Three of them have found me there... Added me and I'm pleased that one who'd lost touch years back, is just as sweet as ever. two were from here... one I've known since I had my first profile, the other, just recently became a friend.

Another, I met recently at an event I'd helped with, and wonderfully we seemed to connect while enjoying the view of the Burn of the effigy a couple weekends ago. He and I pass texts now and again... apparently what I'd shared with him impacted his choices for changes in his life. The need to move forward I'd expressed clearly. The desire to let go of all things and people who effect me in negative ways... And, the need to recognize that there is always a lesson learned if wise, from our past pains.
Anyway, he dedicated a link to moving on and forward to that conversation, thanking me for inspiring him. He'd already done so in text... but adding it on FB, and tagging my name, well... he'd posted the lyrics on fB, but I wanted to see the vid and listen, too.

Here is a link to that song... another group I adore. Candlebox came from the devastated Pearl Jam after the death of their lead singer... regrouped and just as powerful and creative as ever.

This song is about moving forward, letting go of someone who's hurt you and letting go of all that negative bottled up... and about the future you're going to attain in doing so. The future. 2015, that's mine.

I am sure there are many here, who'd love to just step out of your own life for a moment, or to just be able to take advantage of some amazing invitation that means a huge deal to you.

Hmm, that's me right now....

I was invited to a big event coming up in January...

This is a Gala event, An annual that is celebrating 15 years of supporting the arts counsel here. That alone means something to me, for one thing... I have NEVER gone to a Ball, or dressed formally in a gown..... erm, except I wore my horrid little poorly made wedding dress way back 28+ years ago... and, that doesn't count, because he wouldn't dress up. Not for me.

Anyway, this is a formal ball, with a theme. It's a fund raiser for the Utah Arts Alliance. This would be a start on the way into becoming a known part of the arts community locally. I NEED every open door and welcoming opportunity, to be honest.

But a Formal? The Theme is SOLID WHITE... so everything you're wearing is to be white and kind of out there. They'd suggested Disco, and Space, to get a feel for the bling and out there thoughts to incite and provoke creativity in attire. Men, in white tuxedos, and women dolling themselves up in the highest.. showing off flair and fashion.

*sigh* and there's little me wanting to dive into it, all because a friend at the burn invited me to attend.

The cost for entry to the ball is only $25 per person prior to the day of the event. But at the door it's $40 each.

Plus, I've no one to go to that sort of thing WITH. I have NO man who'd fill in the role of date, let alone be presentable at a gala event like this. Admitting that this was invitation due to my interest in Burn events. Which means there are some very creative and peculiar people who'll be in attendance... dual lives are something accepted here, more than I'd imagined, for Utah.

Still, I know no one with a white tux, nor any man who'd act like a gentleman and want me to grace his arm at such an event.

Reality drags me back to earth... but I'd revel in being there, if only I could do so. It would take a Cinderella sort of fairy tale happenstance to make it possible for me to have that experience and attend it.

Guess I'm simply sharing a dream. One that could be both exciting, for so many reasons. I haven't been part of anything formal. I've never had anyone deign to dress up for me, to be with me. And well... the artist within, and the girl who once was a part of a higher society does at times miss that better life. But, I've known poverty and lack longer than that side of life.

Dreaming will nod her head and slip quietly away... and get her chores done, now.

a twist on a good thing

today, I was grateful that I didn't have to talk on the phones like yesterday... email was easier, though my systems fought me to no end... I just took things as they were, and did what I could.

Good news and bad news.

I get the next two days off, have one day back to work, then my weekend... another two days away from the job.

My paycheck was shorted by both my days of vacation and my holiday pay, for the Christmas week. I won't have enough to pay my rent in full...

I'll talk with the owner and manager about that, this week. They make arrangements when things like this happen. I have no choice but to do so.

Even though my computer was struggling and a couple things went upside down, I was able to meet my average by the end of the day.

I HATE menopause... as in seriously.. REALLY??? REALLY? I mean, I already went through this kind of crap almost all of my life, now I have to have a repeat of the pain and ergghhhh, oh this is icky, frustrating and undignified (hmmmmmph,crossing my arms and pouting)

Tomorrow, I'm hoping I can stay still for more than an hour and sit through the last segment of The Hobbit. I LOVE those movies. But I'm not sure if I'll make it safely and comfortably through the whole movie. We'll see.

I've got a few projects I want to start on over the next couple of months. Leatherwork, beading, painting, drawing, doodling. Writing and taking more photos, too...

I need to create more, especially as I let the past go, and move forward, and on. I need the distraction, and the way that artistic creation for me, can clear my foggy mind as well as sex has for me, so often... with less aftermath. No creating and stirring p that craving with these kinds of activities... fewer reminders of what i shall lack in my life... and more peace of mind, I am hoping. Ahhh, I do so hope.

How I hope.

More good news than bad, yes? And, yet a little more. My daughter was one of the few chosen for the latest project for one of the finest corporations in their field. She was advised they're looking at her already, as a future leader and to rise up the ladders for the company that is now going to be her employer as well as mine.

so, like I said, the bathroom is communal. A lot of conversations are created in there, when one of us (pointing at my chest) is in the shower, rendered helpless as an audience... which is pretty damn cool if You heard OUR conversations.

Anyway yesterday, we bought some toiletries and household supplies. I was putting things away, restocking others, and was fighting a family pack of boxed bars of soap.

Couldn't reach the hair cutting scissors from my position, and if you value your hair, you don't want to use that set for anything but that. So, I opened up the cupboard and found something I thought might work.

It did!

So, I hollered, "Hey, K, wanna see the cool knife I just finished using?"

*silence*

"A knife? In the BATHROOM?"

"Yeah, cool, eh?"

I hear her shuffling around in her room, then see her curls fall through the doorway. She looks down at me in disbelief.

She comes closer and sees the tool still jammed through the plastic. Me sawing through the wrapper a little bit further, tongue lolling out one side of my mouth. I'd decided to cut a bigger incision, so I could stock the shelf in the cupboard, for easier access... and yes, I'm halfway naked, but who cares... the conversation is what's important.

"A comb?"

silence scratching of head, through thick mane of frizzy ringlets.

"Seriously, Mom.... you're using... a COMB?"

"Yup. Great idea, right?"

She started giggling now shaking her mane at me... and then, "You're too weird."

She takes the comb and says, "Mind me taking a picture of your knife?" This is so wrong, you know this isn't a knife. I think I need to post this on twitter, or FaceBook, or something."

I just laugh and waggle my eyebrows at her with a goofy smile.

sighing, she says, "I need to seriously start posting a blog Mom... called 'Conversations with my Mom,' we'd be a hit."