I wasn't expecting this morning to be so.. umm, different. We often end up having dirty or sweet(or both) sex on the weekends... Today, Lanky asked about the naughty site again. He loves hearing about men wanting me, sending me messages about what they'd like to do with or to me, and of the comments on my blog re our sexual play together. He knows I've never once had any man take photos of us while having sex, and I've never had a man take photos of me for the site... this morning, that changed. He asked who I'd like to have here, see us together. Wanted to know if anyone would like to see his cock inside of me... I know a few men have asked... I'm verified as is, though.. so, I can't post in my gallery anything but photos of myself, right? So, I'm wondering, since he's hoping I'll share these... if they'd be enjoyed by anyone read my blog. Well, would they? One shows him inside my pussy, one of him in my hand, with a thick string of cum trailing from my pussy lips to his cock, one of him suckling my nipple and one that just titillates the mind with his hand on my body as I'm rocking over him, while we were ummmm, busy.

He's moving soon... and, I'll miss my best friend and lover. But I also know that this will also be a relief, since I get anxious when it comes to allowing him to live with me and the risks this means for me.

I'll miss him. He's helped so much, and he's a very good friend, and... well, he's the only man who's made me feel sated consistently. I love him, and lust for him... but after the past few weeks, I've felt more and more like it's tine to drift away and let go. We're no longer on the same path. Our lives are no longer linked so tightly that it feels safe and right to have him with us. Time to let changes happen. IF he wants me... he'll have to make it very clear... AND, he'll have to be exclusive to have me. I can't go through the hell I went through with him while he was a lying of a player. *shaking head*

Meanwhile, I'm going to try using that hosting link up there on the right side of my screen, and post the first and maybe the last photos of me with a lover... while playing. I've fantasized about it for years... even took my camera with me a few times when seeing my truck driver lover from here... but I'd never followed through, until today. I have no clue what the future holds for me... but I find I liked the results of playing and taking photos together of our lusty selves.

Lanky apparently had everything required by the P.O the other day... I asked him about that, later, because the fact that we'd failed to find him a home was one huge issue... he responded that his friend had called him at one point, informing him that she and her husband had discussed his need, and offered a room to him for a couple of months. He'd never told me, and pulled an ass-hole sort of reply to my asking why he hadn't. At one point during the day we'd failed to get him a place we were all reacting to the stress and agitation of that fact. My daughter had tried to help me get the message through to him how there was still time for the hunt... so I'd followed her insisted counsel and it caused a chain of negative effects. She ran out feeling guilty that she'd caused a rift between Lanky and me, and I walked out in sorrow, feeling angst because he'd been bitter towards me too... thinking, she was angry at me, and so was he... I could do nothing right for anyone... so fuck me, I'm going to leave and try to lose myself in the night... feelings of no worth consumed me. He claims that while this was happening he'd gotten a call from his friend, an instead of letting me know had followed through on her suggestion to look for places. Meanwhile my daughter and I had sorrowed for days, over the lack of a place for him and fear that he'd be jailed again. Not until we were settled with our supper together, did I ask the results of his appointment. Later that night, in bed, I cried hot tears over his cruelty towards us... I can't understand how someone I love can be so thoughtless and unkind as to allow us to worry and feel such heartaches over the coming loss of him in our lives yet again. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that he intentionally denied me that important information. Admitting that disclosure of truths isn't something he does enough as things are. I cried and cried that night and I still catch myself crying over this... it means something deep to me. It means... he's either lied to his PO about the offered room, or... that he's capable of intentionally punishing and hurting me... Amy daughter... or he's so selfish that he is missing out on what is truly happening around him. The sacrifices and concern here, in me and her for him... the love and respect that he's destroying for him in us... and, that he's got more than he deserves in me... God, am I such an idiot???

I don't know... all I can say is... I cry over this. I thumped his chest with my hand and told him through my tears to NEVER, ever hurt me like that again... to never withhold important facts from me again. To never, ever let me fear for his well-being so greatly when there was NO cause for that fear...

thing is... I don't think he comprehends that he has true and real love right here, in me... and yet, he is still scared of rejection. Such a fool.... such a foolish thing to fear from me, when... I'm still here.... sharing my bed, body and life.. sharing my soul with him.

I'm dying here. I'm shutting myself down.
I'm curling into a ball of self preservation.
I'm failing.
I'm falling... I'm losing myself.

Mmmmm I'm going to be addicted to morning wood...
and other woods... let's face it... I love to feel a man I desire pressed close to me, period. But add his growing member to that and I'm lit on fire and yet flowing like a faucet in no time... odd? but for real... I love being touched, feeling his body hard against mine... and then to feel a twitch and a gentle thrust in response to the growth... my body can't help but respond in kind as well... rubbing my ass against his front side... and pressing my fingers into his thigh... pulling him closer until we're undulating in rhythm and enjoying the feeling of two people in a carnal state...

Hummmm, getting creamy just imagining that.

stretching, tangled in the sheets, my fingers gently skim over your naked body beside me... Mmmmm, how I love to feel your wiry hard muscles, trailing from your shoulder... then kneading the muscles of your thigh...

replaying our sex last night in my mind, I'm still leaking your juices from my slit. You filled me well... delight.
I love how you move me, and angle yourself to fit yourself deeper, and deeper within me. Your long thick hardness won't fit my ruined body unless you work at it... which is your gift to me, my love... how I want you.

Glowing and becoming wet as I recall more of our actions, words, the moaned secret desires all that I'd shared... mmmmm feeling your body shift and then your hand placing mine over your shaft... heavenly way to begin the day...
feeling your hands on my body, teasing and more boldly exploring me... it's about time.... I've longed for your bravery and realization that bedding me, means free reign and openness with me. I'm your sucubus, I'm your sinner, and angel.. I'm the woman of your dreams and the woman who can fulfill your fantasies. I'll rule and use you, and I'll submit to your every need.

touch me...
please, slide your fingers over my cool skin
feel the tremors pass through me as your fingertips linger over sensitive places
kiss me, and feel my full lips play along yours, and learn your hunger... teasing, tongue flicking and smiles placed upon your skin... feel my joy and desire as I feed it to you

feast upon my lusty need and listen to the whispered moans as I heat you with my fire

caresses kisses and bodies entwined as we explore one another in sinful innocence

know I ache for you... my body begs for pleasure...

and, responds instinctively with my own fulfillment of your desires

oh, I want and need you

needed... tongue, lips and teeth, and... time and interest of course...

*sigh*

I need, I cream, I growl...

funny, when I growl, most people pat me on the head and say I'm purring.

I'm going to miss him...
as in... really, really miss him.

but, that's life when a man can't find a place to live... and, well... we know the price for being unable to get one is a repeat of incarceration... this time, in the state penal system. Sadly I do NOT believe this is justified, nor right. He's been targeted as a vile xxxxx now, who'd prey upon children... admitting he's got a thing for younger women, but, he has enjoyed plenty of us older women... more of us, than the 20-somethings.. shakes head... never mind.

All I know is... time is running out very, very fast... TOO fast. And... he needs a break, some vestige of a chance to start over.

And, I hate watching him distance himself further, and further, and further from me. Yes, again... that is life, I guess... to lose those I love to the nightmares in their hearts.. and to be xxxxxx to step back and let go.

sorry, a couple sections disappeared as I was trying to finalize the latest add to the blog.... RE the daughter's angst over graduations... it's due to her dad making a big fucking deal and going to his step-son's graduation. It makes her feel like a real reject to him, and that the cuts in her emotional state are gaping wounds. He's been an asshole, and unless he acknowledges her pain, and acts kindly about them, she may never heal.

The rest was more explicit details about this morning's carnal interlude... but, you can use your imaginations on that one.

I'm tired... got my first billing statement from Les Schwab, for the repairs to my car.. made the payment the day I had to take my car in for a flat tire. I'd apparently made it home fine with two huge nails embedded in my right back tire... It was completely flat by the time Lanky got home on Friday night! Thank God for free patch jobs for current clients. And, I'm thankful for a line of credit at a place like that. The interest rate is high, but that's standard for tire centers and many other places charge even higher rates. I won't complain one bit. The car has felt smoother and just need to afford to get the timing belt replaced, and to get a tune up done... ASAP.

My daughter's in a worse funk than usual. Her dad, my ex... he was really, really a horrible father. Please, guys, do not ever presume you're even half as bad as he was.. and if you are... do yourself and your kids a huge favor.. CHANGE NOW, before you've damaged them as badly as this man has, to our offspring.... PLEASE. He'd refused to go to her graduations from Kindergarten, elementary school, Jr high and, high school... each milestone was just that, a true milestone.. and accomplishment for her... especially since she had little if any assistance and guidance from the teachers from HS, for her assignments.. SHE was refused permission to go to the school, based on how frail her body was and still is. The potential for severe damage to her joints, or bones caused her Principal to deem her a liability for their insurance. They couldn't afford to take care of her, if someone bumped into her, she'd dislocate, or bones would fracture... she could fall at any time, due to her ligaments and tendons either being too loose our outright underdeveloped or missing. Plus, she'd catch any cold and it'd turn into a weird infection that lasted for months. They refused to take the chance on her well-being. So, she didn't date until later... guys she'd found on the web... most of them, utter rejects. I'd say most of the men I've been found by on dating sites are unimpressive, or frauds... but, there are real and genuine men out there, both in person and on the web... I've met a few, from here, and another site that are wonderfully good men. Anyway, I worry over her, so much.

Yesterday she was still in her bitter poor me stage... Lanky'd asked me to go with him while he performed his duties for work... he's going to have at least 12 days if not 14 on his next paycheck. not including missing days from the last pay period. Anyway, our 3 hours planned to be away worked into more like 5+... afterwards, coated in dirt and grit, we went over to the Harley Davidson store, to see about tickets to the concert after the big Ride for MDA on Saturday. We bought our tickets over at the venue, and went home to wash off the sweat and grime, and took home made sandwiches with us, to inhale prior to going in to the arena, for the concert. The concert was to raise funds for kids with MD in the area, to go to a week long summer camp. Anyway, the venue was good, Lucid 8 opened, followed by a shortened lineup from Royal Bliss, and ended by Queensryche. It was my first taste of their music really, since my ex would change the station on the radio when they'd play... I love the harmonizing of the two guitars, the whole band is impressive to me.

We were too wired to go home before midnight, so we drove around for a bit dropped by a couple of the bars we go to to see our bands play, and then headed home.

I hate this time of the month (period.. ICK) because I'm still horny.... while snuggling up to my freezing guy, I felt him start thrusting forward... I was behind him, spooning my breasts against his back... and, God, how I love it when a man starts thrusting in his half sleep or full sleep.. I was warming his back, arms and legs, caressing my thighs and legs over his... and running my hot hands over his skin... and feeling his rocking just sent me into lust mode... yes, there's such a thing for ME, anyway... Grinding against his ass, grabbing a glue in my hand, squeezing it, and humping him from behind, is something I discovered he loves from me... first time, he'd breathlessly said he'd never had a woman do that, before... how it'd made him hotter to think I'd hump him and pretend I was screwing him from behind... like a dominatrix, forcing him to feel my tits hardened against his back and my wetness through my panties as it spread over his thigh and ass... anyway, I know how much he's now wanting 69 and to give oral again, but I had to keep steering him back to upright and xxxxxx him to accept just fingering my clit pussy and ass, and letting me suck him dry like I love to do... *sigh* I admit it... I'm a blow job expert... Been told I do it like a porn star... I guess, technically, I am an amateur one, eh? Just.. the only guys who've seen me give one.. are the recipients of the blow jobs. Back to Lanky.... Fuck, he moaned... he's loosening up... getting louder this time with his moans and grunts than he's been for a couple of years... That sends me into a nice lusty carnal state... Let's just say... I finished him off, but he ended up with a headache and sensitive manly bits. I massaged his head and neck until we both fell asleep. Four hours later, after I have no clue how many snoozes he'd hit on his phone.. he got up and headed out to do his job... I hope he can get a nap in, today... but I have no clue... all I know is... I hope this cycle's short. I happen to love sex with him as his inhibitions lower again... I think he's beginning to comprehend that... unlike with his ex-wife... I'm not just going to play when we're just friends, or just in the first stages to get a man into my clutches. She only was playful while they were both virgins and prior to marriage. Marriage changed things in the wrong way. I cannot grasp WHY women DO that... But, too many do. Sex isn't just to entice a man into a relationship. It is NOT a tool to entrap. It's the pleasure and joy that two people who love one another, are attracted to one another and who want one another, can share... it's also spiritually binding. To me, sex is heaven on earth. ANY man who's got ME as his partner... as long as he's with me... I'm his, and I'm playful, a succubus... a pron star, up close and personal... who loves sex, needs it and loves to experiment, explore and turn up the heat with her man... I'm not fantasizing about another man, unless he wants me to imagine a threesome or swinging situation for spice. In reality... I'm a one man sort... but I also know it's a fantasy that at times I do use when taking matters into my own hands. Naughty sure.... I admit that my mind gets downright dirty in luscious ways.... Nods, nods... and I happen to know that I NEED a man who's into sex, and can handle the idea of other men wanting me.. and of thousands fantasizing and using my photos for their own pleasure... let's face it... it happens, and I've got them here, because of the appreciation that is shared over my very imperfect body... for in some eyes I'm seen as more than just the average girl. I like that.

The frustrations... well, they're there... and the good... well, I've got a lusty man to share my bed with... and I WANT him to understand he can have me even if I need sleep... because... I want him, and I want his pleasure, and his lust. I want his need and greed to be spent in and on me... I want his carnality shared, and I love his lips and tongue playing into and out of me.... And, I love his amazing reactions to what I do to him... It sends me into a place where I'm satisfied in a real way. A nice lusty sexual place...

mmmm mmmm mmmmmmmm

late last night, my baby sister texted me.. the bright light from my phone's screen brought me out of my stupor. I'd already had a frustrating issue to go to sleep after... but it was minor compared with her dsmaying news. She'd just gone to FB, and found that there were RIP and condolences on one of our cousin's pages, and the wife of his little brother had posted that they'd be heading up to Portland, OR to support his brother's family.. He only had one son, and his adorable grandchildren, his father, and cousins on both sides of the family... and had been the only of the three siblings to support and tend their mother, which I know brought him into low ruts far too often.

I texted our cousin, the brother I'd mentioned, posted hugs and well wishes on the postings by their sister and his son. My cousins haven't relayed to me nor my sisters what caused his death... all I know is... I worry over the dysfunction of our family, and due to comments by my middle sister, on FB.

I went in, to work this morning, blubbering and red eyed... my supervisor let me know I'd have one day of bereavement perhaps without pay. I let the other supervisors know where I was going and why. Meanwhile, Lanky's been checking in on me this afternoon, and I got to speak with both of my sisters today... my daughter and I went out to just get out, and got shakes to sooth our souls.. well, at least our tummies.

This time of year... it hit me hard, the anniversary of meeting and spending time with Alex last May... and then ,yesterday was the anniversary of when we decided on my ring. Life isn't fair, it was never meant to be... but there are when I'd like to be able to relax and not have tragedy or trials. Some people get that, don't they?
Maybe, maybe not... I dunno.
For now, I'm thankful for my daughter, for cousins and for family... for Lanky, and for friendships that are wonderfully dear here, and out there, and at work, and other places. I am thankful.