a person's world is so very easily destroyed. Relationships torn and trampled and too painful to bear being around one another... that's how my household is at this moment.

I've been slowly deleting my history from Chrome, and yesterday... discovered several things that disturbed me. Titles of vids on youtube... guess I can be thankful they were on that site, not Redtube... Lanky lost his strength and perved videos of teens, lesbian adults and minors(supposed) and other things. Including women from his past, and some who seem as obsessed with him as he is with the ones he is sure were his real loves. IN some states, being a porn creator is against the law... especially if sold or promoted. Fortunatley I'm no pro and refuse to ever be one... but still, this man could technically be thrown back into the penal system due to this choice... and he could possibly doom me to a sex offender list, too if I had to use my computer as evidence. I confronted him about it. Pointed out the patterns that led from more innocent searches and use of my computer, to the breach of his contracts for his therapy/counseling and possibly his probation. I'm scared for him. I was crushed and still feel betrayed... but my daughter's reaction to my agitation was in rage and hurt, saying that he'd hurt her, too. He'd done ti during the day while both here in the home.

Today he'd stayed away from the apartment all day, until I was home, bringing food for our supper. He didn't eat... he's gone again... for the night? He can't stand being here. I'd been aggressive about him accepting his addiction, his choices and obsessions... I'd tried to get him to say out load the things that he'd done, how he felt about himself and what led him from one thing to the guilt laden stomach churning end he'd reached. He pointed out that I'm on this site.. and at times seem to proudly point out to him that hundreds of men lust after my body. And, that I'm on this site, yet I don't want to watch porn or view it... how could I understand his addiction?

He doesn't seem to comprehend my addictions. Sex, Lusty heat and desire.. the absolute NEED to feel it pour off the man I experience... and my other vices...chocolate and the need to be told what people see of positive in me.

I'm not sure he listened when I told him of men who'd poured out their admissions of sex addiction, porn addiction and other forms of obsessive behaviours... of lives destroyed, of marriages rocked to the foundation... crumbling and maybe irreparable.

I'm afraid, my friends... that my reaction and accusations will shatter a friendship that was dear and pleasant. Filled with mutual support and caring. Now, dark cold and empty... my home is filled with agitation and grief. Ugly emotions and pain.

I hate my life. I detest my pest filled home (poisonous spiders and other biting things as well as clutter everywhere).

I'm ready to give up on relationships... Mother daughter... so filled with stretched thin and anger filled raised voices, and insistence of a job and moving out asap, with a threat-filled bitter acrid tone. And loudly hissed reminders that she's keeping Lanky a secret from her father... Black mail of the ugliest kind.

A man who faltered and caused me to fear for my own future... still living with me, might lose alimony could still lose my lease and be xxxxxx to pay hundreds in fees for having him here, with me... he's known of this for months, yet never once followed through on an offered temporary room with some dear friends of his. I'm not sure why he'd refuse to leave my home and cling as long as he has...

And, now... things are so twisted and filled with discord every time he's home.... hatred oozing from my daughter towards him and me...
Just a week ago we were experiencing some dear and sweet feelings and moments... now, it's all awkward and hurtful.

I can't take it.

I'm deplorable.
I need to improve my own self. Be softer, more able to shrug things off. I'm twisting both of these people up inside with manipulation. I hate myself.

I ache for my lover's touch, his moans and even just reaction caused movements set me afire. He stirs something up into heated wet frothing frenzy. Need.

we all have colds in my household... my body aches and movement hurts. I'm exhausted but I move forward. Then, when I'm home, I embrace my loved ones. Snuggles and hugs shared, baby birds held and scritched. People so loved.

How I'll miss each of them when they move on. My lover/best friend... and my daughter. I cherish them.

the weekend was nice to me...
no stomach flu. my sunburn's itchy and peeling, so it's now more easy to deal with. The concert on Friday night was good. And hugs from the guys were valued by me. Lanky and I are seen as a couple by these guys... and by so many of our musician friends... I'm not sure if I could share the truth... that we're just friends who're trying to help one another... and, who share and enjoy our sexual experiences together about as much as we love our canyon trips and love of nature.

The wedding was lovely. There wasn't any dancing, except for a moment when drunken ladies did a train from in the house back outside. There was hand crafted Mead, and Guinness and some kind of sweet wine that wasn't too dry. I had a little bit of that. My first taste of any wine. Not bad. They blended traditional Irish with new verbiage for their vows... Using the mead and soda bread as part of their offerings. It was sweet. I kept the lemon/lime infused water filled and chilled and watched children so their parents could relax, drink, talk and enjoy spending time with the newly wedded couple. I had nothing but my love to give as a gift, and my usefulness and support.

Today was another trip up the canyon for Lanky and I... except this time I was terribly out of shape and struggling to breathe. We had to turn back twice from trails too steep and challenging. I'm grateful to a tall lean and athletic man who makes the frustration less for me. He'll stop to point out mushrooms, or flowers, get out some food or water for us to share... and stop at a seep to take photos when he hears me wheezing, or doesn't, thus knows I'm far behind him. He's an alert and caring partner, and a good friend. When I was struggling our final time, he'd refused to budge from his spot while I tried to catch up to him... and turned me around simply saying it was time to go back. He could have easily made it up the paths... but refused to acknowledge my pointing that out and my apology for his inability to see the top on that trip (we were going to the peak of Mt Aire). Life's worth experiencing and celebrating. I admit, I'm not well... but I've got no way to afford medical care for a while.... so I use homeopathy/naturopathy, with things I have available. I was raised by a Hippie/Earth-mother. I'll do what I can for myself and my family. My family consists of three. My daughter, my closest friend and me.

work was a pthhh, today, but I've got a weekend to look forward to.. and, a paycheck tomorrow. I get to go see the American Hitmen tomorrow night... I'll participate in my sister's wedding Saturday. I get to experience life.

I get to enjoy as much as I can of life with people I care about.

stayed home today with a tummy flu, but got a smile when I read a text from a long time friend from here... haven't heard from him in a long time. I've missed dear TJ.

I was in the middle of reminiscing over the weekend and decided to share a bit from it.

The Tour of Utah is huge here... as one of three championship bicycle races in the US of A that is accepted and part of the international competitions. It came before the one in California, and then Boulder. Anyway, it was a huge success this year, with world champion pros competing and wining the jerseys and titles. I've been invited by Lanky to attend it for years.. and had I known that the first one was to be his last to officiate, I'd have gone to cheer HIM on as well as the racers. I've loved watching him running the shows. And.. I love to watch the other officials announcers and teams embrace this smiling tower of a man. Last year, one of the other motor officials cried as he grabbed and hugged me, welcoming me and thanking me for being part of this man's life. Back then, it was just friends. I knew Alex was dying, but... this man was by my side, supporting me and watching me through all of my experiences. This year, again some in tears thank me for taking care of, and being there with this man who's a walking talking miracle. In truth, it's amazing he can function at all. Strokes and a severe injury as an official should have left him a vegetable a few times over just the past 10 years alone. Anyway, this year, we went up into the canyon and each set up cameras to record that section of the 6th stage of the Tour. I was a red blob of pain by the end of the night. Sunday, we went up to Park City for the last stage of the TOur and got to meet with some of the cyclists and again, team reps who know this man from decades of his work with and for this race and others throughout the globe. He is loved so much.

I got to meet people who smile radiantly while hugging him, or clasping hands. I got to bring home a huge bag of samples, granola bars and "promo crap." **big cheesy grin**

I'm struggling still.... honestly the pressure of being soul support for three adults with my little income is staggering. But, I'm grateful for the opportunity to be HERE alive and able to care for and give of self to two people I adore. I'm struggling, too, because of the frustrations of mental health issues. This is something so close to my heart because of how many generations on both my side and my ex's who're affected by the many facets of mental health illnesses. There challenges are vast. The impact on the lives of others... eternal. I hope to figure out the purpose it has in my life... or maybe, mine to campaign and support the efforts of finding ways to both assist and prevent severe symptoms for those who suffer from it.

there are times when.. I need and crave his touch so much that I ache... I'm not sure whom I want, to tell the truth... There are days now, when I realize that there were good days with my ex. But then.... I can't want him and his touch. He caused too much regret, heartache anguish and pain.

There are days when I crave Lanky from our past... touching, licking feeding on me, and kissing hungrily. I miss kisses and oral gifts of pleasure from a man. I know he doesn't do much orally due to a very infectious oral herpes (cold sores) he'd gotten from a woman he'd played with last year... but, still... I miss that connection, the stimulation and desire it elicits.

I keen for Lanky now, too... when he's so consumed with his sorrows he can't stand touch, I miss him and his intense desire. He's relaxing his tense control and relishing me and my body... whispering about my beautiful breasts and how much men all over both on line and in person watch and desire to see or touch them. I crave how he penetrates me to the core... how his cock thrums and bumps and grinds into me at so many angles. I'm eleated and dazed at the orgasmic bliss I'm gaining after so long, so very long of being without the ability to feel them infusing me with desire filled absolute bliss.

I miss my true love, his warm hard dark body, big strong hands and confident touch and acceptance, his worship and joy in pleasuring and experiencing me. I miss his chuckle, so sexy low and rich... his sweet smile peeling his face into fits. I miss his love and positive attitude, his gratitude and awe at my love, desire and ecstasy.

I miss trust in union. I miss love expressed honestly. I miss myself, and I miss... relaxed expressions of truth.


Today wasn't a bad day. For the first time at work, my computer only lagged for a while and disconnected once from the servers. I was thrilled to have almost full use of all software. My job was easier to bear.

Today, while at work... I also made a point to speak with the head supervisor.... the man in charge of all supervisors on this project.. and, in charge of all training and team leads. I like admire and respect this man. Getting insight into who he is only makes me appreciate him as the person he is, and for what he does both on and off of the job. Good souls are dear to me.

Today, I took my daughter for milkshakes and to get underwear... no, not for me, but, for her... She needs it very much. I also got her a lovely top.

While waiting for our shakes, the manager of the restaurant spoke with me longer than we've gotten to, before. I like the man, and I've gotten the strong impression that he's interested in me, as a woman. I like that... but, for now I'm best playing with my lover/friend and keeping to myself. No twisting anyone up while upside down and backwards. While waiting for the shakes, Lanky called to talk with me... sharing his bits of news, and it warmed my heart to have him reach out to me when he was waiting for his therapy session. He's a good friend. He's a decent and tender man, who cares more than he's willing to admit.

With his issues and record, I can understand his trepidation at the thought of someone loving him, the fear of harming them and being hurt when they decide his past, present and future filled with gloom and so little to offer is too much to have within their lives... this friend is watching his children drift away from him. He's afraid of having to let go of all he loves and wants and hopes for.

But a man named Alex decided to cling to what he'd found, fought for it.. for us, for love... I'm grateful for his love.

I'm grateful... for any love or kindness at all. There was so little given to me for decades...

been wet and needing...
but we just didn't do anything last night. Still creamy...

but after I sat out in the direct sunlight... to watch the Tour of Utah, atop a huge rocky formation.
with NO sunscreen...
I'm red, red red and in PAIN.
Haven't had a bad sunburn in... over a decade

*sigh*

no snuggling tonight, no sex, most likely, either...

he's burnt too, though his will turn into a rick tan. Mine will blister, peel and stay white except for my birthmark on one leg. Arms... they'll tan to a degree, after blistering and peeling.

I took a hot shower, supposed to dull the burning pain... Umm, nuh uh.. nope, didn't seem to do the trick. I also slathered myself in coconut oil, to help keep me moist and reduce the damage.

No relief for creamy dreamy... not for a while.

Top it off with... there's apparently a next of poisonous spiders outside my bedroom window. I've seen and killed a few. Was bit on my hand a few days back and it's getting nasty, and is super itchy. I found some ointment from the last time I'd gotten bit and could afford a doctor. I'll use it. And... the incentive at work won't be given to me for at least two months. I got a write up for low adherence to the schedule. Thing is... it was in a major part due to supervisors NOT adjusting mine when they'd put me into off line status a couple times.. and when I'd had long calls that messed things up and I'd given my corrections to one of the supervisors who never did follow through. I'm terribly anxious... you see, I'm struggling financially. Barely making it from paycheck, to paycheck... and, November is the first month when my alimony goes down from $500/mo, to $300/mo. I'm supporting three people right now. I'm struggling. I'm scared...

and, I'm a red lobster version at the moment, too.

I'll be looking into donating plasma seriously next week. I'll also send a copy of my resume to my aunt, who's an employment specialist voluntarily. I'll be applying for jobs at other companies. I need a change or two or twenty to improve my life. More income, safer place to live, since the contract for lease states the owner/manager isn't liable for any damage or pests. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of the struggle. But I'm no suicidal. It's just that... I don't sleep and I'm crying and falling apart. I come home from work, feeling empty and hurt, and so tired I just go to bed and sleep a few minutes, even though I'd like to just sleep hours away. I'm so worn out by sorrows and frustrations... by a daughter who manipulates and threatens suicide, rages and tries to get me frustrated with her father when he's done nothing to hurt me, nor her... she tries to get me to force Lanky out of the home, as well... but he's the only person who consistently helps me in every way he can. She refuses, and get so pissy when I remind her of her promises and duties as part of this household... I don't know how long I can take being her caregiver. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A CAREGIVER ANYMORE!!! I had to take care of my mother, my sisters, my cousins... I had to protect he world from my husband, and tried to explain him and his mental health issues to those around us... Being a caregiver is just too harsh and hard a job to bear. I've never been taken care of, though I guess... no, at times people have done so. When I was on my deathbed as a child. When I was dying as a pregnant wife and mother to be... And, Lanky does what he can, to protect and care for me, too. He watches over me. A lean tower of a man, who's gentle and caring, and horny, and yes, he's using my friendship and my offered support. At times I feel used by him as much as by my daughter.. then, he turns around and does something impressive, kind or tender-hearted, or selfless and I realize he's simply scared of his future, and so saddened by how he's losing his closeness with his kids. He's a dad who loves and wants to participate in the lives of his children... and had no clue that what he did for his ex-wife was too intimate, and too much, for most ex's to want to tolerate. Me, I'd have loved friendship and support from my ex, for him to follow through on his promises to our daughter.. and for him to truly pay attention to her likes wants and desires. Lanky knows my own daughter and does simple things he knows she'll like, and even suggest things I can do with her, due to their conversations, and from what he learns from spending time with her.

I'm sad, scared and so worried... but that's life for now.

Taking a break from that... I've enjoyed so much in recent years... that the worries I have now... well, they're some of the same ones I've had for decades... money struggles, bug bites, and broken down cars... But I've got memories.
Memories of meeting people here, some of them in person. Hugs and even kisses shared with a few. Memories of a man who loved me more than life. And, of friendships so amazing... so amazing.

I'm blessed with wonderful friends. Most of the dearest ones... are actually people from here. Though, I've also got friends from community and work who're wonderful and loving, too. I'm grateful. So, even though I'm scared and depressed, feeling lost too often lately, and alone... I know I've got friends... some of the finest people on this Earth.

touch me...
feel my heat, smell my arousal and need

slide your hand over my curves and feel me arch in response... hear the keening sung throughout my body.. the movements, and motions, the moans and guttural resonations of my aching loins and wanton sighs.

I need your lust and desire, I crave your passion.

Let the games begin and lose ourselves in heavenly sinfully perfect delights.

feel my desire flow freely taste the flavor of my passion and let me teach you what perfection truly IS...

a distraction from being alone... Lanky tends to change things up... twisting into different angles and positions and positioning me, to plunge deeper, or press against all the surfaces and delve all folds within my pussy... admitting this is interesting. Posting photos of him within or exploring me. I'm not sure what I feel about it yet, but admit I enjoy his heat.



and... until I'm done with my monthly, I won't get any attention sexually from him. I guess there are several men who refuse to experience sex during that time?