I need to believe that someone would want to say and do this for me... feel this way, for and about me.

God, I wish... I'm so lost and empty...


but, oh.. I'll just say this...
how I'm in love with their music.

Today I left work early, after my vision went wonky almost all the way... I'd struggled with poor sight all day since 3am. It began to go fractured, into countless prisms, clear ones dancing in lines around my vision on the right side... erupting into huge thick segments of them, and unfocused sight in my left eye... I wans't sure how I was able to see my computer screen well enough to do my job. After lunch, it was worse.
I called dear Lanky who came to my rescue, and walked me to his car... took me to Chik-Fil-A and insisted on me eating again, with him... he's a stroke survivor, as well as surviving the accident that made him need to learn how to do everything all over... Anyway, he watched me... and did his best.

I'm home alone.. well, with all the birds and eggs -- all 6 are fertile and due to hatch starting next week, or this weekend?

Anyway, I'm alone, at home and listening to music. It heals me... music is the one thing besides nature that brings me joy.

ups and downs...

but life is life...
there are 6 eggs in the nest of our breeding pair of Budgie parakeets now... wonder how many there'll by the time my daughter comes home from pet sitting.... hmmmm

yesterday, my friend informed me he'll be preparing to move his things to his friend's home soon.. time to head up there, to Ogden... beyond time, really, but.. well, I'll miss him here.
I know he fixed the washing machine so when he leaves he won't worry. I know he loves being useful.. needed. He is that. He helps me more than he'll ever know. Still... he will also never know what he's missing out on with me. Maybe that's for the best... I'm sure that it is... fewer regrets, yes?

I got to hug a friend from here, on July the 4th... a man I'd considered a real fling/thing with. He's got a wedding ring on his finger now... I'll leave that alone. *Nods*

My ex's wife's parrot loved me the other day.. poor dear went crazy talking at and trying to get to me. She is adorable, fierce.. and dear. I wish things didn't have to be like this. I hate it that my ex can't be decent, kind, friendly.. and know that I wish him... them, the best.

I'm giving up on myself for a bit. I'm too down to feel like anything else.
On job changes...

on men.
on ever being wanted for all that I am.
on love.

I've been cheated on, by every man I was with.
I'm tired of knowing.

I'm tired of the disappointment.

I'll play with my toys... and, my fingers, too.

I'll just take a break from... what? I dunno.

It doesn't matter.

It's time to step back.
It's time to no longer settle for being...
tenth best.

It's time to resign myself to acceptance of my lack and just let go of any hopes...

shhhhh, I can't let go forever.... I'm not wired that way.

but... I'm tired of hurting.

I really, REALLY AM tired of knowing no one has ever been serious about me... except... no. there was one. Alex. He wanted me.... but even he slept with someone else, because I was so far away...

THAT admission... well, I will forgive that easier than most. but... I'm aching. why ever believe anyone will love THIS woman? Or see my value or see me... as the woman he wants?

please let me cry... just let me hurt for a while. Just let me feel that wrenching agony and shed those hot tears.. releasing the heartache... and absolute sorrow.

My daughter's still selfish.

but life...
it could be worse, right?

a long weekend...

it wasn't as bad as I'd feared... but I'm not sure how productive it was. Shaking head... blue skies, hot days and nights...

The fourth was a stress filled and rending day for all three of us... Lanky my daughter and me. We spent a little time together, then my girl and I headed out to Tooele to pick up a breeding pair of Budgie parakeets from one of her best friends from Jr high forward... the girls picked up from the last time they'd seen one another, and we took the birds an hour later, out to the sweltering heat of the car. With AC on we drove around the little city in the high desert, to see our old home. God, how we miss it.. then again, still can't stand it. Stopped here, and there at the homes of friends from church and school, only to find a handful at home. It was so worth the long drive. We brought the little chortling treasures home to set them up in my daughter's room. It's perfect for them. Sweet twittering wee mites of feathers and bitty beaks, now added a fourth egg since they nestled into their new place of residence. Later we headed out to my baby sister's house. Plans for her wedding were discussed, offers of assistance poured from me happily until a sister in law to be started taking over the planning.. as if it... were HER wedding. I don't want this, I have to have that... Oy vay.
Still the Celtic part of me is filled to brimming with glee at being able to unleash delights and gifts of knot and linens. Irish blood boils richly, hotly in the veins of her husband to be, and in my own veins, was softened by my English gran's influence. I love the photo of my Gran and Gramps forever imprinted on my mind. He a swarthy "Black Irish" and she, and gentle yet determined 100% English WOMAN. Proud of working hard, and of reaching her dreams. Back to the weekend...

I'm eager to show an Irish woven wall hanging I've got folded carefully and stored away with my treasures... Celtic knots, birds and horses spun into a pewter and black work of art. My sister's colors are black, pewter, white and eggplant purple. Perfection on her petite, fair-skinned, dark-haired self.

We stayed to see their fireworks, that's when I'd tried the Irish ale(beer) ugghhh.

Lanky was out wasting gas, driving mournfully alone up and down the Salt Lake Valley for hours, just to avoid being alone at home. The fireworks were glorious. The night, sad when ended. But, it was much needed time spent well with my daughter, sister and her dear family.
Saturday brought anxiousness, and a whirl-winded pick up of things left by Lanky in the living room. Now, moved into the bedroom. We'll need to organize and find place for it.

Oh, did I tell you??? He fixed my washing machine!!! Wheeeeeee!!!!
I got to WASH clothes in my apartment. Oh, the joy of being ab;e to clean them right here... at home again! Lanky smiled at my kidlet announcing his suggestion that we use the jar of quarters for icecream or milkshakes, from now on.

Wise man.

Saturday afternoon brought Lanky's choice to leave for alone time. And now, my daughter is at my ex's place... pet sitting. A mean big ol' Amazon parrot and a temperamental cat. Go figure... The parrot... I suspect she'd seen too much anger and abuse in her first home. My ex's wife had an abusive alcoholic first husband. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Then again, if my ex were as deplorable as he used to be... I'd have done everything to advise the woman on how to avoid abuse. Nods, I just hope he realizes the damage he's done to his daughter. Who the fuck cares how he treated the ex wife, eh?

Lanky and I needed time to relax. I'd told him, before he'd left... "we need to talk, honey."
Sigh wrong thing to say to probably ANY man, eh???
Poor soul... that kind of statement makes the man's eyes dilate in a traumatic way.
I called him later, leaving a message, promising it wasn't the kind of talk he's used to. "This is ME, love... not someone who want to hurt you or make you leave. You're one of the best friends I ever had." I meant it. Though I NEED him to at least stay at his official place of residence once or twice a week at least... I want him. And, we've got a very unique friendship.

We spent our nights making love or fucking like lusty beasts, and mornings using his wood. Or resting up from emotionally fraying moments. It was good to be able to trust one another's arms to pull the other close, to massage stress out of back and neck, hands and legs, and other places... Legs entwined and feet caressing over the other from time to time... affection dared to be shown, and sweetness shared.

I was able to reach my Lanky after several attempts... He informed me he'd "gone to church"... when he says that I know what he means... he's been in his own sort of peaceful retreat or cathedral. Nature. Up in the canyons, reaching out to God and the earth. He asked if I'd like to go later. I responded quickly, Yes... I'd love to. We had home made burgers and headed out once we'd spent time relaxed together. We had our talk... and I doubt he realized that it was THE talk I'd needed to have with him. I'd needed to know WHY he's here with me... and... I told him why I am not severing our relationship and reminded him of my elected choice 1 1/2 years ago to not scream and accuse, but to calmly describe the unacceptable behaviour and lack of respect, the abuse of my friendship and myself as a WOMAN, the humiliation and.. the experience of having no control as a big drunkard ground against me, while pinned to a column.. reminding me of my .. only THIS... was in front of over a hundred onlookers. And... I reminded him of our choice after that fucked up night, to remain friends. And again, of the blessed answer to a prayer begged of God, to help me choose between my local player and my perfect gentleman in the suburbs of Chicago. I don't rue the night one bit... it gave me my sweet Alex and the joy we had together... I have learned Soooo very much about forgiveness, and tolerance, acceptance and love all because a prayer was answered and I got to experience true and abiding.. eternal love.

Anyway, back to my weekend... we went up the canyon, together.. splashed in the freezing waters.. chased sunlight covered ripples and foaming bubbles int he waterfalls... I dove into the waters.. hands clasped around the cameras we'd brought.. and treasures were collected forever in digital form. God, I love the water.. the scent, feel sound.. and the splendid life within it!!! The joy and colors the patterns and energy... the sight of it!

We each took our treasures frozen in time, home. shared in the car for a moment... but first, we followed the road where it took us... a back way to Park City. walking together on the sidewalks, crossing roads, peering through windows and commenting on the displays. We shared a coffee and chocolate waffle cone. Licking it to bits together like kids. My towering string bean and me.. a short curvy thing, side by side...
When we got home we had to check with one of the bar tenders at The Royal, about the tiny bear can shaped fridge he'd bought from Lanky for his man cave. No news, except that he still had to clean it out. We watched the reshown Tour De France on their TV then went home.
we made love together to finalize the night. We had... a truly perfect Saturday together.

Sunday was lazy, more sex in the morning and rest.. lots of rest. Mostly rest, in fact. A good day, I think. We wandered back down to The Royal eventually, to watch the Tour again, and ate a mountain of their amazing nachos. Nummmm

a decent weekend, I'm thinking.

tired... couldn't sleep well last night. I tried an import beer, from Ireland at my sister's house while watching the fireworks... alcohol just isn't worth the pains I get in my tummy. It eats me up inside. *sigh* and, Lanky was so itchy it drove me batty and I ended up all snarly and grouchy. Poor guy slept on the floor of the living room for most of the morning once I grouched at him.

My daughter has been progressively more anxious about our situation.. as have I.. she'd made it seem like her father's been on her case lately about if Lanky's living here, or not. I'm not sure after today that she's been honest. Sounds like it was from months ago. She just wants him gone. Shaking head. She does my relationships so much more harm than good. I'm not sure what to say about it. I've told him he can't leave anything out in plain view for the ex to see laying out when he picks my daughter up.... he's left more and more of late, scattered in the living room. I honestly understand. I see it as him claiming his place. Yet, he doesn't seem to want that role in my life.

I've made it painfully clear that I can't afford to lose my lease, or my alimony. Can you imagine how ugly I feel when I have to choose relaxed honesty about the man I have living with me or $500/month in alimony and I'm choosing IT, over him??? Then again, to hear him say there's nothing there as far as love or what he calls a connection, for me. I wonder why he wants to live with and sleep with me then... why the hell WOULD a man want to settle for less than he wants? God, why would he be so selfish as to expect a woman to settle for being unloved, and just... I dunno... liked? I can't get my head around it.

I'm falling apart. I'm tearing at my skin, just as badly as is he.. scratches up and down his body from obsessive scratching and clawing in his sleep... and I want to silently scream my sorrow filled tears into my pillow and shut my swollen eyes to the world and blot out love and wishes and desire. Why allow myself to feel ANYTHING, when I end up with hurt like this?

I'm losing my battles and my attempts to pull myself up into a better position in life.

I lost the team lead position to a young thing who hadn't even gotten as far into the interviewing process as had I. But, she's preened by and been very close to several other team leads and supervisors who are younger and want to hang out and get drunk together as equals as well as friends. I'm steaming. I'm crushed and dying inside.... and it doesn't FUCKING MATTER... because I'm expendable. I'm just a number. I'm losing my friend and I'm finding out just how devious my daughter IS. And... I'm tired of life. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of trying to make it through when I"m barely surviving.

FUCK life.
to hell with love and I don't know what to say about my daughter... except I'm damned glad she's staying at her father's for 1 1/2 weeks... I need a break from her manipulation. God damn her selfish attitude. She said she'd left me a message on the white board... after I fell apart. and as she was hugging and leaving with her dad... do you know what I'd thought it would be? You're not a loser. THAT'S what I'd thought she'd written....

Instead she reminded me that her phone needed to be paid for and left the website, her accn't # and password.
Fuck me.

ahh, my dears.. that is just it... I DO love the man, I'm in love with him, crave desire and almost seem addicted to him, his lust, desire and ability to fill me up and provide Ecstasy to me...

I'm falling apart and can't tell if this is all hormonal due to menopause or if I'm really thinking straight at all, these days.
I seem to do nothing but bitch moan and get pissy... and the weight... it's still a worry. A REAL worry, for me.

I'm ruining my life, my daughter's and even Lanky's by over reacting, and by assuming things. Shaking head. I dunno.

It still hurts though, to know the man can't love me.. feels no connection, so he says. I'm not sure why he's here with me if that's the case. God knows it makes no sense to me. WHY live with a woman you don't love? WHY live with someone you don't "Connect with?" I don't think I can take that thought. I remember him telling me there was nothing here, for me, pointing to his chest when we were playmates. And then, he'd later try to get me stirred up with sexual heatby kissing me with his sexy moans vibrating through my mouth to other parts... Why pull back and then act determined to play some more back then? Why no longer kiss, and why share my bed, and act like he wants me at all?

The way I see it... is... if you don't love the person. Don't stay with them

laying on the bed.. naked on my belly.. feet up above my ass.. in contemplation while I soak a towel with m rain-wetted hair...

thinking of the day.. of last night...

stroking my thigh recalling lusty heat. becoming slick between my legs reliving the moans and how quickly my fingers draw you out to your full length... hard, full, thick and aching. Ahhh, perfection

today I'd worn a sheer long and softly flowing skirt. lace insets exposing lines of leg here and there as I walked through the aisle and halls at work. I wondered how you might have reacted to seeing me as I once was there.. well dressed and definitely feminine rather than wearing my more recent typical slacks and plain flats.

At home, I'd changed into comfy denim shorts, and went out to shop for our meal tonight... walking out slowly with my purchases into a torrential thunderstorm and RAIN! Soaked through in seconds, and laughing with all my treasures...

and dreaming of you and me... me and you

umm, hadn't expected the photos to be so friggin' huge, but hey... now, you see me and my friend... sortof, anyway, posted, noted and hope he likes that I shared him with you.. almost posted the in plain view one of his full face at my nipple. I'm glad he likes to tease and claim them in his mouth... just feels so good.

I'm still edgy re truths and honesty, him leaving or not. I'm clueless. I know he wants me to ask my neighbor if he can store his motorcycle in his covered parking space for a bit.. along side the guy's scooter. Little bitty next to monster sized police BMW. Good I'd love to help him get Joe fixed so we can ride together. I miss riding behind a guy with my thighs wrapped around him and hands and on his hips.. Mmmmmm

Lanky is still losing weight, while I... GAIN it. I'm getting softer in the middle and I NEED to do something about it.. truly, I DO!!!

My life confuses and addles me, but what's new in that?
Shuuuuush.. don't answer that...

hugs and snuggles... and, I MISS my friends here. and... well... I miss NNer's

another one of Lanky and me...


this one had too much flash for it to work out right.. sorry... *sigh*


and last...