this weekend's already filled with too much birdy noise coming from my daughter's room. Time of the month and exhaustion are bringing me down... so is my daughter's attitude and fury. And, even though she's in trouble for that unjustified anger, I let her take my car.. rendering me helpless and alone, without a way to leave if I wish... I know, indulgence when she's rude is only going to perpetuate that...

I just want to be alone. My shoulder's in so much pain I can't drive anyway.

spreading my lips while playing together... my friend seems to enjoy the photos I share here.. and.. wants to be a part of what I share. Unque to me since.. the only other man who was interested in taking nude and naughty photos of me was my ex.. when we were young.. and due to peering over my shoulder at this site long ago when we were still married and living together...

anyway, Lanky has yet to take the photos... but he can't wait to see how they look here and to read any comments.

here's one of the most recent photos of us

simplify life... it's what I need to do.. just not sure it'll happen any time soon.

in the meantime... I've advised my friend, Lanky that I'm not going to tell him about my love for him... rather I'll prepare him to leave me and do as he needs to, for himself, and for me, since he's putting me at risk.

and... I'll use his lusty desire and need for my own satisfaction. Sweet, hungry, and often carnal.

it is enough for me, for now...

Going to another rock concert in the middle of a work week... Two weeks in a row??? Whaddayah know, huh... wish I could see Castor there, since he's in the area. Sweet and dear long time friend from this place... a few of you've known me from my first profile to now. And, I'm grateful to know so many wonderful men and darling women.

I'll be giving and getting hugs from some sweet dear and sexzzie friends. Musicians I adore.

Thanks for offers of helping me post my photos in blogs. I'll send something soon.. like, tonight maybe?

Lanky's weird... I talk with male friends about how they behave towards and with the women who matter to them... and I get the impression this guy really IS clueless about how to treat a woman who loves him, let alone with whom he's living, rent free.

My tub was leaking about 24 gallons per day from our projections. Today I got gaskets replaced ASAP, and I'm glad... no more worry over the idea of wasting hundreds of gallons of water.

This weekend's my baby sister's Bachelorette party... she invited several friends, and both my kid and me... an openhouse booze and food girls night thingy. Lanky teased and acted pouty about missing out on free food and booze. I know he'll miss me, kinda... as much as he allows himself to, that is... But he'll be fine. He has no other choice.besides, there's a performance at the big Vape (Ecig) convention downtown, by one of his favorite bands. I imagine he'll hang out down there. IF not, I'll be home after a 2-3 hours.. and we can find something else to entertain ourselves rather easily... maybe... I think... *shrugs*

My daughter's got a cute younger guy interested in her... and I know there are times when a guy from work looks like I've caught his interest.... he loves to find reasons to stop me and say hi. A cute guy, sweet man... but if his FB profile is right.... shaking head... he's about my daughter's age. Unlike most, he'd be tempting and doesn't look that hugely younger than me... then again... people tell me I look too young to have a kid in her 20's let alone in her teens. BLUSHES... kinda cool.

Random.... warned you!

wanted...
volunteer with premium, who'd be willing to accept.... erm photos from me.. to open and then send me the links for each one, ummm, so I can post them to my blog... I don't have premium, can't afford it any time soon, or I'd do as I used to when I had the gifts of it.

Anyway, please understand.. some of the photos will be hotza-spicey nudes and blatant sexual shots of me and my playmate, Lanky. as well as several of my nature photos, too. Lanky's twitching and eager to share here, but can't open an account of his own, well... because of his history and severe addiction to porn... I'm starting to wonder how wise it is for him to be my lover... you know???
*sigh* anyway, I miss adding photos on here, without issues like having my membership revoked (nods, yes really, on that photo hosting site that's linked up on the top of NN.)
Can you believe it???

Me, too naughty for that???

smirks and blushes.... please message me here, or if you know me elsewhere, reach out to me, and let me know if you can help out.

Lanky did finally come home the next morning... he apologized saying he'd left his phone in his car. I know the guys.. they'd be talking away, about everything... and from past experience... they drink beer for hours. Had I known who he was with, it'd been helpful. But add to my anxiety and my severe migraine last week... an anxiety attack that lasted for over 12 hours. I was worn out, for sure and had to overdose myself with meds to calm my heart-rate down enough to sleep. I slept until around 2pm on Sunday. Sadly, a very fitful sleep at that. I needed two naps in addition to sleeping until then, from 6:30am to 2pm... yes, really TWO naps between 2 and 9pm.

On Saturday, I took my daughter with me down to Utah Valley, for a couple of baby showers for girls who grew up knowing us, way back from Oregon until now. There's a reason we'd lost touch, and stopped seeing that family in person. I can't take the grilling and personal attacks by the other woman. She's too much like my ex. Presuming, assumptive, reactionary and accusatory. It was all too much. Add to it, that Google Maps insisted on leading us to a non existent address, when we were trying to get to a clubhouse for the final Spa version of a baby shower. The stress and frustration, the hurt, and reopening of wounds, and add to that my "friend's" attitude and accusations... I was undone. Lanky added to it after our outing for dinner and a movie, and then leaving later than late, to spend time with a friend. I'm grateful that it was just that.. an old friend, and I know how much those men need one another, due to the suicide of a young pro bicyclist they'd cheered for, admired and watched for about a decade. The memorial for the young man is this upcoming weekend.

Over 12 hours of absolute terror, jitters and pounding heartbeat led me to worry un-needed for the man I've got living with me.

Life's become a war zone again, for me.. but only for a moment. I've got to destress... tonight, my daughter and I are heading out for pizza... We BOTH need a break for a moment.

She's got three baby budgie parakeets in the nesting box in her room... and three more babies to hatch. She's already worrying over a need to feed them by hand. I'm thinking... maybe she doesn't need to bother with that? She needs less stress too. That trip down the valley was unnerving at best. NOW I know why people let go of old friendships when they divorce. They HAVE to. Just like... I KNOW without a doubt, that refusing to date a couple of men who're ex-brother-in-law of my ex... was smart. Oh, HELL, was it wise!!! No fricken way do I NEED to add drama to drama... The only commonality that the men had with me was their ex wives... well, not really. But... honestly... I need a man who wants me... for me. He knows me.. for WHO and what I truly AM...

Not based on a past filled with our ex's.

*sigh*

time to destress. cioao...

Lanky hasnt come back since he left last night after we got home from the movie... that was around 10pm. It's after 4am now, our time. God, he was going on about people letting go of him, and forcing him out of their lives... looking at this blog... I'm worried. I know he's wanted to see our photos here, and how he's been tempted to play to photos on this place... but if he's seen some of the blog posts that show my distress over his admissions of not loving me, and other things... well, he's got to be in a terrible place emotionally at best.

I'm scared for the man I love. Truly worried for him.

I miss my lanky... not sure why I'm feeling so glum these days... and, I fear he's drifting away from me.. then again, I may be inadvertently pushing him away, myself... he could easily read this or countless other things I've written, and honestly believe that I am pushing him away, since I waffle so back and forth.. feeling I NEED to send him away, when I ache to just have him claim me as his instead. Oh, I don't want him to let go of me.

I so don't want that...

how do I ask or tell him I can't take the idea of his fantasies of me with other men?
how to successfully explain that all I want is him?

It hurts so badly to not be understood by the man I love.

sex sex sex...

mmmmm, oh yeah...

and sex...

by the way, I highly recommend POWERADE or Gatorade when having a sexcapade...


just sayin'

migraine was so bad I left work Tuesday around noon.. I'll be going back tomorrow... Friday. Been trying to rest, but can't seem to shut off my mind. I need to relax. Lanky admitted he's got that issue, too... no sleep at nights.

He's got too much on his plate... and I NEED to tell him how it hurts when he wants to hear about other cocks I've had, other men I've been tempted by... and admissions of how much he'd love to watch me seduce someone else. I just can't do it. Last night he'd wanted descriptions again, of other men's cocks... the big ones that'd filled me... like his, or bigger... but... the biggest one... I only got twice, last year, in May. I'll never touch that one again. Unless there's truly life on the other side... I need a way to get to the other side of this life... I miss him. I need to get to heaven. I miss his smile.. hearing it in his words and tone of voice. I miss his sexy chuckle. God... I'm so lost. I love Lanky, my friends... and it doesn't seem like he can or ever will truly accept or believe that. What can I do? Nothing... it takes receptive heart to accept and return love.

Back to Lanky and our sex last night... he'd wanted to hear again of other men. I can't do it... I just can't. It turns me off, and it distances him from me... I want to be feeling HIM. I want to feel the absolute pleasure his body, his sexual drive and need give me. I love his hard piercing tip long thick shaft and the bend to the side... I enjoy his lean, thin bicyclist body, and powerful thighs. I need the heat he provides that makes me wet just with his touch. While we were thrusting, grinding and sweating together... he begged to see photos from my past life here... the ones of my banana and cucumber play.. and videos as well as photos of playing with them and my now dead and long ago tossed away big black B.O.B. He's craving the secrets, the porn I have hidden away. Wet and spread wide, swollen clit and lips glistening and wanting, and buzzing from much needed overplay from fingers and toys.

In the meantime... I'm not sure I WANT to let go of a man who makes me smile and feel alive so much of the time. And, goodness, does he how to use his body and mine for pleasure... more orgasms than I'd hoped for, lately. He asked for me to share those things with him... and I promised I will. I hope he will be a willing and lusty participant when I ask him to record my masturbation play next time I use my toys. I want to see his lust swollen cock growing so fast it looks like it'd hurt to grow so hard in seconds... but I LOVE knowing I'm the cause of that. I enjoy knowing I can turn him on and heat him up.

Am I making due? Is he? I don't know.. and I'm pretty sure I don't want to hear the honest answers. I'm scared. I'm concerned... and I love this man who means so much to me.