tears keep threatening to pour... and they won't be held at bay any longer, so I'm going cry myself to sleep tonight...

I miss arms around me, making me feel safe, secure, sheltered... and being allowed to cry my heart out, while a man holds me, simply being there, for me... I never had that from my husband... it was so new, sweet and such a tender intimate thing... to be able to trust someone to be there, through the nightmares and sorrow, and be willing to stay. God, will I ever have that again?

I can't expect or allow myself to believe I will...
*shaking head sadly*

Damned... the tears are jumping out of my eyes and onto my nose, cheeks and well... they're dripping out of control...

gotta go huddle in my covers and just let the anguish me... and cry until my head throbs and I fall asleep due to exhaustion.

Nothing else will do.

I hate this... feeling tossed about on an emotional stormy sea. Huge waves sinking this boat I'm in... no lifejacket on me, no float in sight...
salty water... washing over me, and darkest night...
I'll sleep, restlessly... but, at least I'll sleep for a while.

my sisters are commemorating something significant to them, RE our mother on FB, and I don't even know what it is... I'm alone. I'm out of the loop and I feel like maybe I'll never be close to them.

I got a letter from Lanky in the mail... didn't get it until after I'd seen him today, and now some of his words mean much, much more than they had when we'd talked to and had seen one another. I'm concerned. He's too deeply in the dark and terrible maws of depression.

The only redeeming thing about this day... was my last phone call at work. A recent widow, sharing her heartaches and of the love and bond she'd had with her sweetheart... and, my simple ability to listen, and appreciate her pain... and ability to give her respect and my gentle voice, to soothe her.

I'm aching. I miss so many people who've left me behind... and I feel myself displaced in my own family, and life.

I honestly try hard to keep myself upbeat. I see glimmers... here, and there, through that gray gloom. but, today isn't the day for it.. though I had Lanky chuckling and smiling through most of our conversation... now, I truly wonder how good my part in his life will be for him. And if I need to step away... no, I can't walk away and shut my eyes.

Today, I forgot my glasses when I left for work... I do everything I can to leave them in the car since that's where I NEED them the most. At the red light, I held my right eyelid closed and then, my left... and I realized just how horrible my vision in that right eye now is. It's worse than it was last time I had a vision check... by a large margin. No wonder why I find it a challenge to do my miniatures and to see... well, anything. My light is going dim in that eye... my vision, so blurred I can't see huge lettering well enough to decipher it...

I'm going blind in that eye. Might be close to legal blindness in it now, actually. And I don't know how to take this, my dears... I am an artist. I am a photographer and a writer...

I'm going blind and deaf on that side. What next?

tears would stain this were it paper, not my keyboard and computer... instead they trail hotly against my cheeks. I'm scared. and I'm incapable of doing anything to stop this. No medical coverage, merely a useless indemnity that means all my pre-existing conditions will go without coverage and approvals for treatment for a year AFTER I can find a decent health insurance... God, I feel doomed.

Sorry... maybe I'll delete this tomorrow.

I wonder some times... why I do the things I do... why I say the things I say.. why I end up this way.

aww, well...

I'm tired of confusion.

Today I felt helpless, and weak. I hated work and being there. And, I couldn't stand things once at home... then, I listened to Seal's song and cried hot tears... he used to listen to me cry over the phone. He used to soothe my heartaches, and advise me on how to better get my daughter to focus, and be reasonable. I miss my logical, soft spoken man. I miss realizing he'd be the perfect father of our children... and how tenderly he loved my daughter's voice, going quiet, and chuckling at her energy and mini-me-isms... I miss the light that filled my days, at hearing his voice. I miss that chuckle that sent my body into whorls of delight and color and bliss.

I miss him.

a bit slow, lately... on accomplishing anything, these days...

But I ended up buying a cheap printer, and wouldn't you know.. it's a nice one. I'm glad of that, since I needed one that would work.

Anyway, I printed up photos for Lanky and for my ex-brother-in-law... well, he'll forever be my relative, I love him. Anyway, I'm sharing photos of my daughter, of scenery and of my May trip to Chicago... including photos of my sweetheart.. like the portrait I'd posted umpteen pages back in this here blog... ermm, countryfied enuff?

Anyway, I also shared a few of my pieces of wire wrapped jewelry, as well. No naughty ones. Against the rules for family and for jailed dudes, too.

I'm going to send them out in the mail tomorrow. Along with letters to them, and a package to a guy from here, who bought a pair of my used panties.... Anyone remember way back when I was selling mine? LOL... when I was still married. Long time ago, now... *sigh*

Anyway, it's nice to have my smells and self wanted. It's nice to feel like I've finally done something I'd promised. And I'm glad I got to spend time with my kidlet tonight. Hmmm, she is precious to me... truly one of my miracles. Alex was the other one. I'd honestly figured I'd never be loved and wanted enough by a man to know it through and through... not after my life filled with heartache and abuse. Now he's on the other side of heaven... and I'm still here. A lone woman. But for now, that's okay. Time to grieve, time to sorrow, time to forgive myself, my daughter, Alex for killing himself with cancer treatments, trying to give us hope.. and forgiveness for doctors who had NO clue what they were dealing with and how terribly they'd tortured that wonderful man and his body. He'd have died no matter what...

hmmm, no morbid imagery right now... not for you. Just for my own eyes... a sadly decrepit and thin body making his hospital bed look oh so very roomy.. enough room for two. I just wish it hadn't have taken me so long to climb into bed with him to cuddle and try to sleep with the love of my life... but, it did. And I can't turn back the clock. I'm just grateful to have been there, to soothe, love and cherish that dear man who loved me enough to die in my arms, knowing I'd love him forever. Oh, how true that is.

Now, I'm making myself cry... forgive me, but today was the year to date of the day He was supposed to get his tickets to fly to me. And, it was when we were informed of my grandmother having hospice go into her home... by the way, she's still alive.. and thinking of moving from her nursing home, to return to her home, in her condo. Poor uncomfortable soul. And, today I found myself telling the tale of loving and losing my love, to one of my coworkers... Sad, day for me, I guess... except for the letter writing... wistful contemplations, triggering memories and pains... but, it might help me to heal, to set these feelings and experiences free, in words, and sharing... I hope. Yes, I've shared them here, and I'll share them as long as I live, I'm sure... because I had love for a little while in my life. I'm supposed to be happy I had it at all. I'm supposed to feel grateful always to have had it.. but there are times when I wonder WHY? Why find it only to lose it and NeVer get to experience it the way it should be... in person. Some times I wonder how things would have gone if I'd just acted friendly but not honest about my feelings and love for a man who would die months after going to him. Am I making a bigger thing out of something mundane? You know... someone at work pointed out today, that we'd have found things we didn't like about one another that would change how we felt for one another... The thing is we already knew them. We knew we'd feel that way once in a while. WE KNEW... no need to throw something bitter and destructive into the middle of my pain, as if to soften it, because he'd have hated me over me tossing my things into a pile for a moment, to get from one activity to another... Shakes head sadly. It wasn't a fairy tale, nor an imagined perfection... the perfection we BOTH found was in the IMPERFECTIONS being seen, and loving and appreciating one another regardless of those flaws and weaknesses.

Looking down at a tear as it falls upon clasped hands...

Why do people have to discount respect, admiration, appreciation... and love?
Do they know HOW to love? To say such things, makes me sad, to think they'd allow themselves to be made bitter and unforgiving of their mates... to be so, is to not understand the goodness they can possess within themselves... to heal the one they love, to forget slights that would separate before they become too large to let go of easily... To forgive self, as well... and accept that we each and all are weak, flawed, imperfect... human.

My letters will go out tomorrow. And, tomorrow night, I go to see my friend ,Spencer perform with his band. I hope I get there in time to barrel into him for a warm tight hug. I need hugs so much these days... I'm worried over my young friend... the guy from work who'd planned to go with me to eh Wayland performance on the 21st. He had a heart failure this weekend. Was admitted to the hospital and I want him to slow down. I care about that sweet dear man. I pray for him to heal. To change his ways, so he can live to see his son grow up. Such a lovely baby boy he's got... and, he's too young to die of a heart attack.

Tomorrow... and then, Saturday I'll drive up to see Lanky again... then... I'll go to work. I volunteered for 4 hours of 100% overtime. *sigh* glutton for punishment... but, I need the hours.

the sun sets too soon for me, still.... but it's okay, life isn't mine to control. I just move with it, to the best of my ability... and try to catch up when I stumble.
**nods**

Clouds burned off for a moment, sending bits of blue through my window at work. The stunning white, against blue was lovely, and kept me distracted from bitter words and displaced anger... moans of frustration and confusion as people tried to hear and understand me on my line. I have to take my positives where they are, for however long they linger.

Today I overviewed the team stats and realized I was one of the few who'd made it, last month. For the first time since September... I MADE it, and what a relief!!!

Maybe I'll keep my job yet. I hope so.

This evening I spent time with my treasured daughter, then rested up a bit... I'd bathed my car for the first time since snowfall... no more thick layer of silt poor Betty Boop. Don't ask, it's just the name that came to me, the other day... sassy, red and cheerful, and got a jiggle in her at times, well.. when I wiggle her to the music. *nods* She likes music... Shhhh, I'm NOT crazy. Anyway, we went through the car wash, and took home a handful of quarters, which is much needed for washing our clothes... YUP NEEDED.

I rested on my bed.... and after I looked at my clock and realized I was later than I'd thought... I collected myself from my duvet, and left to see Lanky man...
He was pleased, so cheered at seeing me, it made my smile bigger. He told me he'd needed me last night, more than anything... and imagined me close as I've asked him to do. I'm glad he does, because honestly, as with any man I've loved and believed in, I've asked them to imagine me close, when we're too far from one another.
Feel my body pressed close and warm, against your back... arms wrapped around you, and then fingers massaging over tired and tight, pain filled muscles on your shoulders, spine... neck, and scalp... let my positive infuse you, my love surround you and the healing of trust and appreciation begin the job it can do... And, then to imagine holding me close to you, your face close to mine... feeling my hair tickling your chest and arm... bodies spooned and legs comfortably entangled. Caressing a warm foot over you, knowing we're both comfortable being close... together, content, and dreamy.

Anyway, I no longer need to say such things, just... remember, I'm with you, honey.. and feel me close. And his vivid imagination can take flight. LOL.. perhaps a few others can too, with those words, eh?

Anyway, we talked of our writings, reading, and what we're experiencing. He didn't share as much as he devoured my words and face. He grinned a lot. And, he encouraged me to add his family as friends on FB. I will. I'd been tempted to before I'd shared my home with him, to be honest.

I fall in love with people, with families, with how their bonds show, love, support, hopes, sorrows, living... I fall in love too easily. But I also recognize that I'm only temporary in anyone's life, until they claim me as friend, family, lover... and maybe, one day more? I've learned that life is too precious to hold back... too short to hide my love from those who mean something wonderfully good to me... and I'm not infallible, or immortal. I know I'm only temporal. People will love or value me for a moment... but then, I'll become a mere wisps of a memory, and when I see them again.. they'd pass me by, unknowingly, as I no longer matter to them. I understand it doesn't mean I'm nothing... but in the cosmic scheme of things... I AM... nothing. A speck or smudge on the universe. My impact is felt at times, but in the end, I'll drift away, as so many do, into the other realm. And be simply a whisper. And nothing more...

I know that the mindset of done or had enough.. is never enough. There is never enough giving, loving, forgiving, never enough helping, lifting up and carrying. There is never enough patience, or caring, or comprehension. Never enough of any good thing.

When I take the next call in the que... I'm on that phone for that one person... I'm their friend and sometimes... their miracle worker, or hero. Or... I'm the one who'd disappointed or upset them more. I'm weak, and helpless and sometimes I'm the ONE salvation they've got for the moment. I give all I have. I breathe every breath to help and provide every possible hope that I can, to them...
it takes every bit of energy out of me, to give as greatly as I do... each and every day... but those who see for minutes, or seconds, or an hour or two, while I'm THERE... FOR them... see me as giving. Loving, caring, intelligent... and as someone who knows what she's saying, for the MOST part, anyway... and... maybe they're right? Nods, yes, I know my stuff... and I'm capable of making that clear to most, that I will do my work, that I know how to DO my job... and that I just accomplished something rare... I showed them that the person on the other end of the line... can listen and help.

Then I go home... and aching feet are set free, and time is spent with my dear, dear daughter...and I'm cherishing our moments more. I value her for who she is and who she's becoming. And I'm pleased.

Today was a struggle, to be honest. I came home, agitated, frustrated and hurting inside... but I can change that, if I work at it. I have to... I've got a daughter to love, letters to write, people to love and share with... my life isn't all about the hell I experience... or the pain of absolutely aching, with longing and loneliness... there is more. And I've got to cling to every minute bit of good, for those moments do not last long enough, or stay in my life.. they just don't.

I accept that my impact upon this world isn't something seen, but at times someone notices me and something I've done or said... and it's enough. I have no expectations. I don't believe I deserve anything. But I do try to hope that there might be moments of daylight and joy in my future... oh, God, they won't last, I know that... you've shown me too often and too strongly.. please don't grind me into the ground again.. at least... please, please... not now.
Now, I need to heal, need to find my voice. Need to find a way to make the love of my life proclaimed as the one perfect gift I've been given. God, how I miss him... I ache for him and am wracked with anguish... and then, I miss Lanky, and my mother, and someone else, and I can't make sense of it... It's just aching because my heart had to break in order to grow stronger, and bigger... or did it? I dinna ken. All I know is... Compassion is a huge part of my hearth, my love... My heart has a larger capacity because of the things I've experienced. I'm humbled and humble... and I'm willing to bow lower, because.. I KNOW it will be required of me and I'm not too proud to kneel.

*sigh* time to try printing things on Lanky's printer. And time to prepare for sleep. I need it. Oh, I so do.

I didn't share what happened while I was cheering on my Seahawks, on Sunday... I want to share it with you, now.

My daughter and I went to The Royal.
Of course.. you did expect it didn't you?

Anyway, we went in before the game started, because the owners of the bar had announced that they'd be performing an acoustic set for those who'd shown up early. They did great!!! okay, so I'm prejudiced... but the DID. *sigh*

We ate too much yummy food, and while there, friends of mine and Lanky's amazingly chose the table next to ours. Anyway, we talked through the game, and umm, well, the hubby happens to work throughout the nation dealing with penal facilities and their issues, so, between the two of them, they guessed what kind of place Lanky is at.

I'm not a good liar. I really have NO poker face.

Anyway, I loved spending time with them.. and, promised to show up for the kick off performance Royal Bliss is going to have on Valentine's to celebrate their new album. The one I got to participate in backing. Anyway, Neal altered lyrics to root for the Seahawks. And, we enjoyed a night of music, the football game, friendship and fantastic food.

Today and yesterday were long days for me. Today, added snow, to challenge those of us, who had planned to be on time and ended up... LATE. I can't win the bonus that was offered last week, for this month. It requires 100% attendance... and everyone to be on time. I've already lost out on a substantial bonus... and I'm feeling down. I'd hoped I could achieve it... but now... why care? why try?

I'm reading a new version of my favorite fairy tale... based on East of the Sun, and West of the moon... I've set aside my books on grieving and relationships for a while. I need some time just entertaining myself. I need to find some pleasure.

Tomorrow, I go see Lanky. I'll tell him about the Superbowl party, of spending time with our friends... and I'll try to remember to let him know his things are safe, in both my place, and at the house in which he'd once resided. Every opportunity to help him see good, and positive will be of good, for him... and, for me.

Right now, my sweet daughter and I are enjoying watching The Great and Wonderful Oz... good movie, well made... delightful!

Time to pay attention to it, again...

okay... hmmm, I'm wondering if anyone will be looking?



Doesn't matter.. you all know by now I don't care if you are or aren't...


but.. in case you haven't noticed.. I'm cheering the Seahawks from my head, to my toes!!



please be sure to check out the others who're participating in the blog challenge
msstoner, guitartxn, Firedancer69, SweetDixie, WendySilvia, Dreamingof_U, Arr0w, DLNKY and of course, our lovely leader and friend... tight_wet_lips

Gaaaack!!! **blushing**
Ummmm... my mini-me is really becoming more like mom...
knocks on door, warns me she'd nekkid and as I opened the door I see her cheesy grin and eyebrow waggle....
then informs me I've taught her well... (OY!!!)

follows me to the kitchen with undies in hand, putting them on as we speak.. I dunno if that's a bad or good thing... I guess she thinks it's an honor to be like her mom who's seen as sexy?

Looks down at my gooseflesh and nods... Guess it's who I am, and what she'd like is, to feel sexy, too. Good thing she's an adult... shakes head... I'm definitely of corrupting my kid. She used to be mortified that I walk around comfortably with no clothes on, around our home. Now that Lanky's gone, she's testing her strut...
sighes and chuckles... naughty mommy encouraging my daughter, to become more comfy with her body... is she really becoming a mini-me, of me?

blog challenge photos are being reduced, cropped and reperved by me *sigh* gotta make sure they'll look good enough.
Winks at TWL.. lol... I know, they'll be fine...

**nods like a bobblehead**

... but this is my first submission to challenges in a while. I'm using Showy's gift of a week of premium to do this, so I promise to make good use of it by also posting my jewelry and other photography on my blog, too.

Might even cam for a bit if people are interested in chatting with me on here for a smidge... another day.

Hope everyone's doing well. And.. who're you going to be cheering on, for the win??

Any thoughts on what else to make my premium do for me???
...besides editing my blog spelling errors, deleting pix/comments and hunting for mailing addresses and reading through past messages. Like I said, I've got to make this count..

BTW, I miss a couple of my dear men of NN.. arbortech.. where are you, love??? lost your address before the holidays and I've got your gifts ready and waiting!!! Yes, all this time! And tj... I'll text you some snugglehugs, honey. Thick... I'm glad to see you back, sweetie. And everyone else... thanks for staying by my side, through all of my sorrows ups and downs and all of this time of total chaos and confusion. Still upsidedown and know I'm hurting myself.. You, each and every one of you, are helping me through this time.. just as you've been there through all the other times. Stay close, please.

hugs and kisses, Hugglesnugs and daydreams,
Dawn

Saturday was a nice day.. sky dropping soft white stuff, that danced lightly across my path as I whizzed up the highway, north, to see my dear friend Lanky. I'd bought the styrofoam beans for my beanbag chair,
finally we'd have it to SIT on, not DROOP from on the floor of my living room, that and more, all prior to leaving for my 30 minute visit.
I was thrilled to be the bearer of positives this time, instead of sulking about my miserable infections, overtime, lack of sleep and the trials of parenting my chronically down daughter... I couldn't wait to share with him and see if he was still in a gloomy, terrifyingly low mood.
Anyway, my mood was decent, and I'd gotten about 6 hours of good sleep. A pleasant thing to say at least. I was blessed to get right in and he'd not slept after breakfast, so he was right there at the monitor as I was sitting down. He was happy to hear about the trio having a reunion after a year of being split up. We talked of how the job is going, he asked if there would be a chance to get rehired there so I promised to ask our head HR lady about that. I sure do HOPE so. To have him ask at all, is a good thing! He told me about the letters he's written to his family members, how far he is on the ones for his kids, and of tearing up while writing to his middle child, the oldest daughter. I know this is hard for him and I'm sure it's confusing and painful for them, too. He spoe of how far he is on the assignment he's working on. In truth, it's not the one he SHOULD have started with. It should have been the first one. There's a reason for the order in which they were assigned. I know well enough about therapy and behavior management to know the purposes to the placement. Anyway, he's not going to achieve enough if he does them OUT of order and the proper impact of awakening his responsibility and truth will be lessened so much that he'll have been able to convince himself he's innocent of the accusations of addictions. He just won't SEE or learn in a way to help him take full accountability. And THAT'S what he needs! We talked of our closeness, of my daughter's admonitions and reality checks for us. And, he asked me to relay messages to his parents. He talked of the friend he's got there. And, of things he's going to do when he gets out. He's talking of future. Of plans and of hope. But he also admitted how scared he is. And he's rightfully concerned. I HATE more than anything how his self denial and refusal to take all of this seriously is why he's there and.. why he's got real and valid reasons to worry over what's coming. I have to say I can see how this happened. When I shut down due to trauma and fear, I'd been incapable of taking care of responsibilities like paying our monthly bills and the consequences were ugly. I'd lost track of time and of life. All because of severe anxiety and depression. He simply didn't follow through on things that were required of him. Had he followed through and respected rules, he'd be fine, and have paid his dues and walked away a free and cleared man with charges dropped at his probation hearing. But not paying his probation fees, or doing the other mandatory stuff.. led to other things. He's intentionally sabotaged himself, from my point of view... He wasted away thousands of dollars on women and play when he should have paid is debt, and followed through on everything... ASAP, not delayed it until it was too late and impossible to achieve.

Anyway, we talked of our relationship and we talked about our goals and what we need to get focused on and done. I hope we both can get it all done. and I HOPE he'll prove he's worthy of another try at trusting him to follow through and get things DONE. I forgot, for the second time to tell him that I've gotten some of his things brought home with me. But I guess I'll add that to my letter with the one photo I can send him from the performance Friday night. We both were teary a few times during the conversation and I reminded him to imagine hugs when he's lonely or needing strength/support. He told me how he recalled how i'd massage his headaches away. And my snuggling up, pressed close to his back, working on his head, and neck... kneading the stress and pain away. Anyway it was nice to hear him recounting things he's never experienced with anyone but me and how he values me more than I can imagine. Anyway it was nice to see smiles and know his state of mind was better.
I know I'm going to use the same tactics he'd encouraged me to use for Alex. Positive news from me, encouragement for him. He needs it as much as Alex had while dying and insisting on giving us every vestige of hope for a future together, with his efforts.
Lanky needs it, too.

I also had a good day with my daughter... spent time grocery shopping, filling the beanbag chair.. still finding styrofoam bits all over the apartment *sigh* and we had quality time together. Tomorrow.. well, I'll take my blog photos while dressing for the day. SuperBowl Sunday