a coworker reached out to me via FB, asking if I was OK. Sweet of her, and not sure if I'm "OK". I'm still resting the day away, like yesterday, and hoping that rest, hydration, vitamin C, zinc, and oliveleaf extract, licorice tea and a bit of oregano oil will kill this thing off. I'm so full of nasty goo, that I feel like I'll drown in it... Erm, sorry, but it's uberly GROSS.

Anyway, no outings for me, not today, even though I'd love to deposit a check I'm hoping is in the mail box. I need it. And I'd hoped to go do other things.

Burning eyes and sudden drowsiness are claiming me. Add that I'm chilled and I guess it's time for me to shut off the light and computer and pull up my pile of blankets, over my head and sleep for a bit. Nap time for sick me.

up to a man in my bed... yeah, I even miss Lanky... the bloomin' idiot. I miss being held close in arms strong and sure. I miss snuggling up to a man, his back and rubbing my nipples against his skin. I wonder how I've managed it as long as I have.

God knows I long for someone who wants me, needs me, treasures our moments together and wants to stay in my life. I'd like to get to have a loving relationship that lasts and can be consummated over and over for years, not days.

Ahh, well... loneliness is my companion, and emptiness is my bed partner.
Get used to it, little girl. You'll be lucky to find a decent man, let alone be loved enough by him to have him stay.

feeling icky due to my head cold/sinus infection... now I've added a stomach flu to that and wishing I had someone to snuggle with except, then they'd get sick, too...
oh well...
had plans for the day but no way I'm going to push myself. My health and well-being are important...

snuggling under the covers deeper...
hugging a pillow.

As a kid I'd seen a lot of alcoholism in the family and heard stories of severe cases where family members had lost their home, and about everything due to it. Between that and my Mormon roots, I'd determined to never drink alcohol...

A few months back I'd gotten an accidental taste... I honestly suspect I know who had it intentionally given to me. A friend of Lanky and I had been trying to convince us for months, that we should just give in and have sex, not realizing we'd had a history of that before he'd befriended me. Anyway, he'd mentioned thinking what was needed was to get me drunk so we would just loosen up and Tall would finally get or give what was needed. He'd just learned I didn't drink and I'd heard him muttering about it. Anyway, it looked like water, but tasted sweet, and burned my throat, kind of like a tiny drop of honey does, then my belly warmed up. I figured I had gotten something, but didn't exchange the glass, deciding to monitor myself.

A couple nights ago, when we were sadly preparing for court, Lanky and I were happily surprised with news that his sister and her hubby were coming to support him through it. We met them at The Royal, his favorite place, for a late night visit, and of course drinking for him. Our friends there didn't know about what was happening, but for some reason they were more generous than usual, providing him a free Fireball and other drinks as gifts. Then his brother-in-law announced he had a tab and had my coke and his drink put on it, it went on, and some of that just smelled too damned good. When I went to the bar to refill my cola the bartender we are closest with was very chatty asking me about life and discovered I never drink but suspected being surprised at the other bar a bit ago, He told me what I'd had based on flavor, etc, and that it was enough to give me the buzz, and then while preparing to fill my glass said he'd be doing that for me, toand maybe other times too,just to see what I liked, clicked buttons on the spray nozzle, I honestly don't know what was in it, but it was smooth and not much was in there. But it warmed me nicely. Went from that to an apple thingy that Lanky had in front of him and then got to dip my finger into a Jeager. Not bad, just strong, I enjoyed the night, The alcohol warmed me and comfortably loosened my muscles in my aching back a bit. I was intrgued by the way it seemed to just set me into a focused concentration on the conversation, and the music videos on the big screens around us. I was fine, and remember how Lanky taught me how he controls his drinking and alcohol levels with food, and water. I did the same, he told me I'd gotten a nice buzz but wasn't drunk from the way I was acting and feeling. I'm not a virgin any more, when it comes to alcohol. But it's not like it's a big thing. It tasted nice, but other than the warmth and settled feeling it wasn't a big enough deal to make me want to do it again. I might, to be honest, I might if someone I'm with bought me something easy to deal with like I had. A rum and coke had been what I'd planned on for my first drink to be honest. But that's okay. an apple ale with fireball in it, to make a cinnamon apple thing was my first official for sure thing to drink. And, it tasted nice.

I'm too poor to get into drinking. And I'm used to a huge tankard sized glass of water with a few lemon wedges in it. That's free, and free's in my price range. It's my drink of choice. And I've been drinking it at every concert I've gone to for almost two years. Why stop?

I'm sure there'd be millions of hands UP for that question, if every one of us here had read that question. Honestly isn't that one of the reasons that draws people to this place and to many other sites on the web? I know that I'd been playing in many ways on many levels prior to joining this place... for about a year, and all on the web. Phone tends to come next, then meeting, right? At least, it seems to, and had, for me.

Now, another question... how many of us are addicted to it? Addicted to the desire we discover in "sexy chatting, sexting, sex camming, and pornography? I'd imagine honest minded people would all shoot their hands up, again, at least thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of hands from this site alone? I know mine did right away. I was. And could become addicted againif I let it happen. When you're a jobless housewife, who's neglected sexually and abused morally emotionally, verbally, sexually and other ways, every day.. you turn to some place to find what you need. I started accidentally, back when FB had those questionaires that then would suck you into a dating site membership and next thing I knew, I had one of those 3 minute dates. Oh, I was hooked, sure, I told them I was married and I was honest, I also shared that I was unhappy in it and preparing to leave. Most guys didn't care about the rest, and didn't even care if I was married. They just wanted to sexually play on line. I learned about it quickly. And soon was spending all day long IMing sexually, then camming, and it kept my home neglected, but me sated sexually through masturbation and learning about sexual heat, and determining I needed lusty attraction in my life.

Now, how many of you have had a negative experience because of sex online? Or dating sites leading to something scary, or a liar who was under or over their age? Fatter than shown/stated? uglier inside, or outside than you'd thought they would be? Crazy? Insane stalkers? Anyone have that?

But now, here's the rest of the story I'd started yesterday. Sexually addicting play online is distorting some peoples ways of relating in real life. Talking filthy in real time dating situations, obsessing over cruder than they'd ever thought of and fantasizing to the point of NEEDING to try it, not caring with whom? Anyone get to that point? I've known people who have. I'm not judging anyone. I'm expressing some of my observations.

Now, I'm going to express concern. You see.. sexual play leads to fantasizing while working, driving, etc. I admit to it. It has for me. I use those fantasies still while alone in bed, needing to release pent up need. It helps. But, when it leads to stalking, or it leads to no longer caring about potential issues it causes alarm to me.
A friend started picking up on how others seemed to get more play, what they said that turned the girls on. And he started making up fake personas. Younger guy, sexier hotter photos. That sort of stuff... then, turned to talk of threesomes orgies and soon was fabricating scenarios, stories of experiences he'd never had and honestly I think it'd shrink his sphincter to a nub if he actually were in some of the situations But that's because I KNOW that sphincter very intimately. Trust me, many normal(to me) activities would. Vanilla is as vanilla will be. Anyway, he told these lies, and didn't heed the key words that would send someone who's aware of stings and setups online away ASAP... hell, I run when any 18-25 year old on line says, what if I were younger, or, suppose I'm lying about my age? Or. I'm really your age. What the F? Why is a 48 year old pretending he's 23, 19, or 30 even? Be 40, be a little bit real, please? He was caught for sexually enticing a minor online. It was a setup mind you, but there is no reason for a grownup to be hunting for little girls or little boys to play games like this with, anyway. Person was supposedly a teen, but still... no bueno!!!

Don't ignore key words. Don't advance because you're ready to cum.. end the play and cum on your own, please... Don't lose your soul, your home, your job, your freedom over your lust and addiction. Please, be safe, Please, be wise. Be careful.
Please better yet... recognize when you're falling into a pit of addiction and walk away.

I'm a fool, I've been used, and I'm tired...

why believe? HONESTLY... WHY???

if he had a logic based mind, rather than being emotionally extreme and manic depressive. I'm not sure what to think, feel or say, except that I know he will need my friendship when he gets out.

I will miss snuggling against a man's body. Feeling arms around me, pulling me close in his sleep, kisses on my neck and cheek and running my fingertips through the fur on his chest... but I Do understand that this ISN'T the man for me as partner, or mate, long term lover and most trusted companion.

For the best, I suppose, I know it will be, once I figure things out... for me and my daughter, and him, definitely. A wake up call...

I'll explain later... his, is a story of internet, webs of lies, and foolish choices... internet, stings and other things...

wishing that sweet towering man I've been sharing my home, self and life with weren't in the position he's gotten into...

wishing I could help and heal him.. even though I know it's impossible to do much more than I have, do and will do.

wishing my daughter were more respectful. Respect for herself, for me, for all others... it would so help her to truly be a better participant within her own life.

wishing I were stronger, more able to stand on my own.

wishing I could make a better impact on my own life.

I affect changes and provide real hope each and every day I pick up that phone on my desk at work... the back to back to back to back phone calls wear me thin... my wages barely stretch enough to pay most of my utility bills.. forget the medical ones, and old debts... I'd like to struggle less, and be able to bless lives even more... I love the feeling of recognizing what I've achieved in just reducing someone's stress level, or solving a huge problem, discovering the reason someone isn't getting the help they need, fixing their problems, and helping them reach their goals.... it's strengthening. Redeems my meager existence... and gives me to hope that maybe, one day... I can rescue myself again... make my own life better...

Right now I feel so helpless... so ineffectual.

I'm taking tomorrow off, to be of support to a man I adore, and wish the best for.... a tall lanky and wonderful man, who's one of the gentlest lovers and most intimately In my life and home whhich both saddens me... because, oh, God, I WANTED that so much for me and my Alex... oh, how perfect our love and joy and friendship had been... But this also is soothing, strengthening and lovely.... because, I know friendship and passion are imperative to a good relationship with a man... but honesty, absolute trust and respect are at least as crucial, too...

I am learning... and loving as deeply as I am allowed... and loving isn't something that slows me down, or limits me... it reveals who I am, and what it is, to be me... to me... to anyone who'd want me as partner... and maybe, others learn, too.. from knowing me, feeling my love... and knowing that they are deserving of love, and of goodness... of hope, faith and opportunities.... For to me, love is healing, wise and powerful... and it's the main thing I have within me to share.

wishing and loving... and trying to stay upright... it's all I can do.

I just wish we each and all were wiser in our choices.. in how we treat ourselves and one another... less fantasizing and more able to recognize when fantasy isn't the best thing to dive into when life requires care, tact and awareness. Oh God, how sad things are here... how I sorrow.. but I'm built to love, to help to heal, to build up... and so I do. I pray it's the right thing.

wishes for the new year...
may it be filled with more positive, for each one of us...
may a dream or two come true.

My life is a struggle, still... only because I'm discovering truths of a tall lanky man that have hidden with ugly maws and terrifying nightmares... I'm not sure how to help him, or if I can...
or how badly they'll affect me, and my daughter...
I'm making him face them, cold, ugly and scary... with me. I'll stare them down, and snarl in my little kitten way... but I've got a back to arch, and I can hiss and spit and stick out my chin and tongue and say kiss this...

anyway, I'm not sure what to plan or hope for... but of all things, I can be grateful for a past filled with people I adore, love and cherish, and for their pasts and experiences, for the impact they each have and have had upon me and my life...
for lessons learned. For bridges built, and others... burned...

for life.
for sight, while I still have it.
for sound.. listen to the music... FEEL it through your body.
and let it resonate within your soul.

wishing you glory and joy in 2014.