this is my daughter's weekend... turning 23 tomorrow.

I took her out for a Moochie's Philly steak sandwich... they're famous for 'em.

Tomorrow, I work a whole day of overtime... mandatory volunteerism. One of the supervisory guys I know.. we got talking about all the mandatory overtime, tightening of the leashes and his description made it sound exactly how it feels... prison. No way out. Trapped and controlled. Run into the ground and ready for a melt down. *sigh*

She goes and spends time with her father and his soon to be family, to celebrate it, with them... then, we go over to celebrate the Little Dude's birthday... the rest of the weekend's for her, me, us...

Though I promised I'd go visit Lanky... so Sunday morning is for him. You know... I'm still glad to have decided to keep him and our friendship. When I saw him on Tuesday, he'd offered suggestions for how to deal with things... concern over my issues showed in his face and I realized just how much Alex has touched my life.. and, Lankys.. he watched me suffer, over not being able to see my sweetheart. He heard our conversations when I'd pick up my phone while he wasa here, waiting for me so we could go to concerts, or hiking, and other things... and he was impacted by the example of my sweetheart. Others have mentioned how he'd changed their lives.. and hearing my tale of how we grew our love and our old fashioned ideals, and desires... tears well up so easily these days...

I miss my man so much.
And I miss my tall lean friend.

I'm not sure what I have to hope for, or look forward to...

all I know is... I'm feeling closed off. I'm feeling upside down.

But I'm alive. I have a job... in an unending cycle of never ending calls. They penalize and threaten us... the health care company... NOT the call center. They're distressed by the way we're being pushed.... being xxxxxx. Being... and used by big corporate contractor... but I know this is our biggest contract... and it's gotten so big, they can't do anything but... bend over and take it in the A$$.

I'm tired of this life. I need a change, but it's got to be MY way. I'm not running from this into the arms of a nightmare. I'm barely making it, but I'm me...
and I'm free...
sort of.

Just have to figure out what it is, if I'm going to not just wade through this muck... but get out pure and pristine.. shining like a crystal in the sunlight...

I can't take the idea of unending struggle and endless nightmares...

please wake me up.

I don't want to drown in my tears.

the guys....

I've been reading a book on the grieving process... today at work we were down, so I had ample time to really go through it... tears spilling down my cheeks at times. I've been on a long road all the past few years... from before I'd severed my marriage, really. The years it took to prepare, the screamed refusals from my kid when we'd had offers of moving in with family or friends... opportunities fallen along the wayside and help ignored, due to her inability to handle changes. The burial of a marriage, the failure of that thing I'd tried too hard to keep alive... the loss of our house after such a huge investment into it... so many losses that don't even encompass the loss of the lives of people so close to me. But, this time I have to let it all run through me... wash over me and take its course... let the healing and cleansing work its magic and let healing finish.

I'm grateful for the realization that I was already working my way through this process... the relief that all the anxiety, guilt and shame at not being there every moment I'd head aching in his voice, as he told me he needed ME there, to sooth his pain, me there, to fill his need, to rub his worn body with my soft and comforting hands, my love to touch and comfort him in tangible ways... God, how I love that man. Today I talked about him more than I've dared in a long while... of my Brothah from Da Hood.. and what a magnificent gentleman he was. Oh God, I need him so much... there are times when my breath just won't come and I ache for his voice in my ear, or those wonderful hands surrounding me... powerful, long fingered hands, that enveloped mine in such a perfect way. I ache to pour my love over him, to kiss his lips soft and responsive, tender and hungry once more...

I don't want to forget the only man who's loved me so perfectly. I never got a chance to fully let him feel my love and make love to him... and he's gone, he'll never know it. I'm never going to be loved like that again. I've been utterly disappointed by the kinds of men I've met in this state. Not one who's interested in treating a woman as if she's his angel, his perfection and his heartbeat. Ahh, except the married-happily ones. Thank God for those ones. They prove that they do exists.. just, they've already found their heart beat. I found and lost mine within months. And, now, I'll be forever alone. Between the fact they're far away or not to be found... and a daughter who'll shoot down every chance I have or will have... it's nothing but futility for me... I'll sit on the sidelines and learn how to knit and quietly exist alone with my daughter and a bird on my shoulder... and just accept that all I deserved were a few brief moments of joy with someone who was a in love with me in so strong a way. Just once in a lifetime is all I can hope for. Part of me has died a bit today... I do know I'll get by. I know the pain will lessen at times. But the futility I feel is real. I don't believe I get any more chances. Not after one like this. And too long a terrible marriage. It's too late for me and I'm aching at that realization. Just a torturous tease and a slap on the face See what you could have had? I'm taking him away from you... the rest of your mortal existence will be all alone.

Lanky must have found the mount for my tripod at one point, because before he'd left I found it on my glass-doored shelving unit. Anyway, I bought some boyshorts for myself for my birthday... yes, plain old cotton boyshorts and hipsters... who knows? maybe I might try on a pair or two with the timer set, and my camera on the tripod, strategically angled...

I missed another rock concert this Friday... it's becoming a habit to just not show up. But I'd recognized as I was getting ready to go, that I'm still not well, so had to chose between the concert and driving up to see sweet Lanky. It was a no-brainer sort of choice to make. I went to be during Spencer's performance time. I hope he'd understand if he knew the choice I'd had to make. Health and a drive up to see the man who's become dear to me, or go to a concert for an hour or so and feel miserable all weekend long.

Tomorrow I'm going to my sister's home, eventually. All her kids will be there this weekend, and I've missed my nieces and nephews... plus, she and her guy finally got engaged after years of living and loving together. I'm happy for them, so very pleased. Anyway, I'm glad that my daughter and I will get to go spend time with them this weekend, and... if lucky, next Saturday, as well. It'll be my kidlet's birthday, so my sis apologized about using my daughter's birthday to celebrate her youngest's on it... I think it could be pretty cool, really. My Maxximus, the boy in a red cape... is celebrating his day on my kid's day.. too cool. That little boy has one of the biggest imaginations... colored himself from head to toe with sidewalk chalk to be a smurf, then green to be the hulk, and had to have a 3 piece suit and a brief case to go to his first day at pre-school. He's quite a little man that boy... and oh, can you imagine how I adore him? He's my amazing little man. And he's got the world wrapped around his little finger, and knows he's special.

Back to the weekend... I'm sleeping in. I've spent time with my daughter and with Lanky. I even spoke with his father who's distanced from his son... yet, he showed emotion in his words as he shared his gratitude for me in his son's life. I took a load of wash to the laundry room.. we finally found it down behind the office. Icy ground is dangerous when you're not watching every step.. just sayin'

I'll be spending time tomorrow with family and writing a letter to Lanky and sending him some of his therapy assignments for him to do while where he is. While he's there working on his therapy and talking care of past mistakes... I'll be letting myself grieve and focusing on tightening my purse strings. And trying to protect my job. I've got too much stress and too much sorrow deep within me. I've got to heal so I can be at my best in the future. I believe in the power of positive and love. I'm not sure if Lanky and I will still have our paths bound so tightly so we're side by side... but I find it an honor that he wants it. We're talking about and planning a trip together this spring... we'll see if we achieve it. I'd like to. And, I'd like to find that one of the few men who's known me intimately in so many ways.. closer than my ex could have ever become... I'd like to believe that he's sincere in wanting me in his life. And that the work he's willing to do is for a good reason. Not just because he's got little choice but to do it. *sigh* but if that's so, at least he's learning something. He's learning that when I say I will.. I DO. He's learning that I'm not your average woman, let alone average "friend." Who knows what the future holds? I don't. And I have already come to accept the role as temporary woman in other lives... if he cannot follow through, at worst, he'll have gotten to learn about one woman who understands and forgives.. who sees good in him and who was willing to stay by his side when he needed someone there. I'm planning on allowing myself to go through the agony of sorrow and grief. I know I need it to heal and progress. I am going to focus on the learning process and on staying me and becoming a better version of myself. his evolution of self is a lifelong process, not something to be over and done in a couple of months. I want to be able to recognize when the right thing and right man is in my path. And I want him to know who he's got in his sights... and even if Lanky isn't right for me, that's okay, we're both giving and helping, loving and caring for someone we think highly of in each other now. Well, he was doing so much for me and my daughter... and I'm a woman who's designed to love and help when it's right. This is right. And healing myself is what I get to do.

I'm tired, so I'm going to bed now. I need my rest. Every moment of it. I'm tired and I'm struggling to breathe. It hurts, but that's okay. It's life for me right now. but it'll get a little better.
G'Night.

I haven't gotten off since before New Year's Eve... no diddling myself.. not even sex with Lanky, before he left. Was just trying to recall the last time.. and it was the day after Christmas. *Sigh* No wonder I'm feeling mildly loony???

I must have had a decent sleep last night...

I don't remember getting up a million times, or tossing and turning with tears and moans of sorrow as has been my usual. I awoke at a decent morning hour, unlike most days 4am, 6am, or 1pm... I'm able to see the morning light, and hear both my birds inside and those outside, talking in their birdly tones.

My breathing is labored, but I can breathe. I need my inhalers, Glad I still have one sample left. It'll have to do, since I can't afford to go see a doctor, or fill a script. Today I'll climb up on a foot stool in my tub to wash the scary patch of mold off the ceiling and do other neglected chores... still no clothes washer. So I have no clue how or where I'll wash my clothes, but there's a pile building up... I'll wash them in the sink and pop them in the dryer once there's enough of a load.

I hate feeling so very helpless and lost, but it's part of my life for now.

Meanwhile... this is my birthday weekend. I'll do something to celebrate... maybe. My daughter told me she'd try to be brave enough to go to The Royal as my present to me, so I don't have to go to the blues performance tonight, alone. Spencer offered free tickets over FB, after I'd told him I can't afford tickets... and how Opal Hill Drive offers them for a dollar apiece. Spencer usually gives Lanky and I a handful of tickets for his concerts, free, when he sees us. I am thankful to know the guy. A good, hard working man who's talents are creative and wonderful. A construction worker by day, professional photographer and a blues singer with a voice that melts hearts. He's also a very nice friend.

IF I go tonight, I'll only be there, for him. I don't know the other bands, before and after him... and if my daughter goes with me, there's just too many issues with triggering her social anxiety. And a bump could dislocate her joints. Loose and missing ligaments and tendons are such a trial for her. I remember way back when we'd planned to buy tickets for her to go to a Jonas Brothers concert when they were coming through here... but her doctor was rattled by the potential harm just being bumped in a crowd would do to her body. She'll never go to large venues... Never experience Disneyland, or Disney World, because of the harm her body could and would sustain. Poor baby.

I MAY also take her up on a suggestion, to use my gift certificate from work to go out to see a movie. Maybe. Maybe not.
My birthday is insignificant, when it comes to things... I need to take care of so many things. I'm not worth it. I have too much to do. And very little desire, but it's sweet that she wants me to do something... her birthday is next weekend, and I might have to work on her day. I hope not. I really truly hope not.

I'm trying... I'm honestly trying to be brave, be strong, and still be myself.

but life is bleak to me.
It's empty and gray.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the fight, of the broken dreams.
I need to get through this.. I need to figure out what they want from me at work.. to save my job, my life and my mind and heart.

I don't like feeling like this.
I can't take the fear and how it consumes me

I'm a survivor, right?

still been having a hard time sleeping... Sunday night, after that too full day and evening I poured tears over my pile of pillows. I couldn't take it, and needed my sweetheart... tugged his jacket off a hook on my door and pulled his Chicago Cubs baseball cap close to smell the scent of that wonderful frizzy black hair of his... I'm falling apart, my friends... crumbling and I'm not sure how to handle it... all I know is I've accepted that NOW is the time for me to grieve...

I'd been terribly disappointed that my social worker friend assumed that when I started to try to share about falling apart, he'd gone into the same focus he'd had months ago... on the emotional abuse of my ex, on the destruction to my self image, as undeserving unattractive and I almost got up to walk away instead of sitting to enjoy a meal with him... I wasn't there.. I don't need reminders of a man's verbal abuse when what I'm facing and dealing with is the grieving process over the most tender, uplifting man I've ever known...

I took Alex's baseball cap with me to work on Monday, just to have it nearby... and, instead of working through my lunch I took a break for my soup... and plugged my ear buds in, to listen to recordings Alex had left on his phone.... MY phone. All this time I had in my possession a treasure. Mostly the voices of others... he'd record his business partner while "teaching him," so he could review them, to memorize processes. I've heard my sweetheart's heart melting chuckles... his voice while joking, agreeing about an actress being good looking and general conversations. And, his breathless whispers answering his primary doctor towards the end of his life... I'm going to listen to every one of these records of my lover's voice, and life. I need every opportunity to heal and acknowledge his life, and and that we mattered to each other. Oh, what a blessing it is to have this way to remember him. But I'm still not dealing well with this, with life, with the stress of it, of mega overtime, of giving up my breaks to keep my job... life is a series of nightmares and struggles, of pleasures and experiences... there are times I'm not sure I want to fight through this... but as long as I'm me, I can't hold back, can't stop, at least... I don't think so.

But, do me a favor please... hug those you love.. treasure the joys and the good in your lives.. be grateful for them, appreciate your blessings and good... don't take for granted that your dreams will come true. Mine didn't. Mine won't. But I'll try to find another dream... I've got to find a reason to hope. If this is all I'm worth, or worthy of... or going to have within my life... I can't take the future, I don't want my life...

God, I need to feel strong arms around me, I need to be able to peel this layer of silt from my eyes... and let the sorrow go... and let go of the heartache.

couldn't sleep last night, more than 30-40 minutes all tied together... but the day was productive.. kept hacking ick up but I stayed the whole day at work, went to supper with an out of town friend who's offered his services to a pretty damsel who needs therapy/counseling... *sigh* in exchange for going to dinner, and other activities.. I think it's sweet. We're both from the same home town, love the Oregon DUCKS ((Quack QUACK!)) and went to the same high school.. we also know a few of the same families and people from that area... he's a church going sort of guy.. that doesn't mean he's not horny and hoping for something... but I'm not looking for that right now... so, well, he'll find out. He gave me some baseball caps... it started when we discovered our common roots, the first time we actually stopped to talk.. as neighbors... the day he was moving out... of the apartment below me... go figure. Anyway, more caps from Oregon... now, two are stained from wear, kind of cool he'd part with them... one was his favorite, but because it reminded me of the river I grew up listening to roar by.. tossing leaves and pebbles into it to hear the plunking sounds... he'd given it to me, before he'd left for Nevada... I'll pose wearing some of my ball caps. I realize I'm gaining a nice little collection.

I also went up to the jail where my gentle beanpole is staying... he looked overwhelmed by the sight of me on his screen.. video chats in jail... for a sex camming addict? Ermmm... okay... anyway it was good to see him... we talked about our first night in months alone.. anyway, it was sweet, and good. Refreshing to have honest candor. We'll be spending time in the mornings on Saturdays.. if there were any times for visits first thing on Fridays, I'd leap at that, since I'm sure it fills up fast for families on Saturdays.

later, time with my kidlet. We watched episodes of the Big Bang Theory together.. I won the first 4 series on DVD... and need to do some catching up some time soon... I took many photos of my latest jewelry creations... the few of you who're my friends on the dreaded FB, can see them there... you might be seeing them here, as well.. on me in my gallery.. we shall see how long that'll take... Still trying to recall how to navigate without premium here... I can't just message them to myself anymore... No can See....

I'm still icko sicko blickoooo... but I still can't sleep and I don't know how to shut off my mind... It's almost midnight. God, I NEED the sleep.
I'll take an anti anxiety pill tonight... maybe less emotional strain will help me rest?
Make any sense?