time to be thankful for the sexy gorgeous women I adore here... good friends, and sisters... Oh, sister, I hope you know you're one of them!

time to point out the wonderful magnificent men here, again.. sexy, sweet, deliciously dirty and naughty, as well as caring, and gentlemanly, too... I thank you.

I do.

await wrapping paper and future gifting...
nothing big, but every little bit counts.
It's the holiday coming that does count.

Time to reflect and hope. Time to forgive and to make recompense... and time to start anew at the beginning of a fresh new year.

I found my treasured Micron technical pens, and Lanky and I have been playing with them, creating holiday scenes and patterns. I bought some fine tipped Sharpies, too... hoping they'll be waterproof, to a degree. I love using watercolor washes over my creations. I'm hoping for the best.

Time to get ready and go out for the evening. There's a fund raiser for the Utah Food bank, and friends are performing.. yes, The American Hitmen, again. I adore them.

Wish
Dream
Hope
and keep me close, please. I might be floundering, but I know there's some positive in my life. I cling to it.

And dear TJ... I was absolutely 100% unclothed earlier when we spoke... just had to throw that in there.

Love you all. Night

tree is looking lovely.. white lights, and simply cloaked in decorations...

spending time with my kid, and wondering why and how I'm expected to support two other people not just me...

Lease is up early... a pointed insistence upon the truth from me RE a man who's bedding me and with me now... staying, and exploring my truths.. and the novelty of being taken seriously... learning that I meant it, when I said my need is at least as high as his... and that even though in my "changes" I'm wetter with no kisses to heat me than many women ever are.

a car that works, amazing.. such an amazing gift.

support of friends, and questions of being used, by two desperate souls, who will ultimately make me pay a very dear price, for loving them, both... daughter and bedmate, who require so much of me. Admitting I love and cherish them both... but neither one has a job. And with the lease being altered comes added costs for rent.... and eventually, no alimony. THAT loss will cut me deeply. Truly. Deeply.

I miss my sweetheart. The Hallmark Christmas movie hit me hard, and crumpled me. I wore the beach-glass necklace, today, to work... copper wire, wrapped around green glass and tumbled bit of blue willow china... perfect remembrance of a moment in time... a wearable treasure.

Things change quickly... yet, naturally. I can't complain, except there's another one or two within the shadows.... waiting, will I choose a divergent path? who knows...

going to share some photos of my trip up the canyon a few weeks back

going to try to focus so I'm not crying like a sap when something reminds me he's gone.
going to replace his voice message on his/my phone.

working on reducing clutter in my home

picking up the pieces of my shattered life.

got myself another midget Christmas tree, since I can't get to mine or any of my boxes of holiday decorations

trying to figure out how to establish rules for my household, when I've got a man with no job and no ambition sharing my bed platonically. It's weird, trust me.. he freaks as if I'm going him when I try to snuggle when I'm lonely.

trying to let go of the past
working on not giving up on relationships... God, that's hard. I'm feeling undesirable.
as in TOTALLY UNappealing unwanted and not capable of being loved, desired, wanted.

fighting sorrow, and giving in to it... letting it wash over me when I can't pretend I don't feel it.

working overtime
driving my new to me car
listening to music that fills me with emotions...
good
and bad.

trying to be a good example
trying to keep my head above water

hoping I'll make it through this

praying someone will rescue me... besides myself.

then recalling all the people who've done that already... and letting go of that fantasy.
I've got heros already. Do I really deserve more?

living in the now, because hiding in the past, just isn't living, it's hiding, it's lying to self... it's forgetting what's important... it's giving up on possibilities and to let go of dreams and fantasies woven to hold onto the things that weren't ours to begin with...
living in the NOW, to be ready for the future... one day and one moment at a time.

wooops *sigh*
getting used to no premium isn't going to happen any time, soon...

taking each moment bit by bit is all I can do.

the car was great, until I discovered the battery needed replacing, and I'll be searching who knows where, to find the fuse that is blown...
BUT, this sweet little ride is MINE... red, clean, with enough kick to get me sailing down the road easily...

Last weekend I was given a CD by a friend who's a musician.. ahhh, blues. God, how I've needed music like his.

The days run together, so do the nights... there's little to change it, except for the tears which run and tumble down my face once in a while... and, when Tall and Lanky decides to see about getting me out of my rut, and him out of his...

I'm so tired.

But one bit of decent news..
this was my first week in over 3 months, where I worked every day, every shift I had scheduled... every day had overtime on it, too.... so, who knows?

Maybe this cycle will be broken, eventually??

My home's less cluttered and chaotic.
two depressed and torn souls wait impatiently for me to come home, each day.. NOT including the bird who clings to me holding fast if allowed.

I'm trying, my friends... I'm honestly trying to survive, and deal with this...
it's so hard though, these days...
I have all but given up on myself, on hope and life...
but I haven't yet.

sunlight fills the room through shadowed blinds... a good thing, between it and my attempts to burn a few CD's to fill my new-to-me car with the sounds of words and tunes I've grown to love. Some sad, filled with regret and longing, while most are filled with hope, light and positive. I need them to fill and gird me up, when I have to go back to work.

The light washes the darkness of the world last night... I need this so much. The hell her rage filled my heart with is so depressing. Disheartening. She still lays sleeping in her room. Snoring sweetly and I feel a break, for now, anyway. My daughter rages so much like her father it breaks my heart. It truly does.

And, yes, my dear TJ, it is her disease that destroys our peace and I try to remind myself of it... but it was very hard to bear watching the look that filled Tall and Lanky's face, his eyes were so shadowed and pained... he thought it was due to him, being there, when, in reality she's right, he'd helped her with just being there, during the days, to hold her in place as well as she was... He as seen what even her father refused to see in her. What she'd hidden from him, due to fear of his rage and violent temperment, and punishment that would have been doled out to her, even though she is his mini-me when she's in this state... no, not really, but it's due to the same illness, same disease that takes and claims their minds and emotions and I lose them for a span of days, weeks, months... I left him because it had destroyed the truth of our relationship. It took away memories of reality and filled him with cold, ugly twisted patterns, too fragmented to be put back together rightly.. and so all was reconstructed based upon the darkness of his mind and the images of cruelty, anger, and lies he'd built within his thoughts... I HATE that evil twister of reality, that schizophrenia is. That is the one thing that I hate... because it took a sick man and made him sicker. And is doing the same thing to our daughter, only quicker. God, how I wish I could cast it out and away from her.... Heal her sweet dear body mind and soul. But I can't cause miracles like that. Yet, by demanding conditions be accepted, in order to stay with me, she may find a blessing eventually. She needs medical attention. She needs to build her case for disability, by having regular visits, and observation, from practitioners in the mental health field as well as pain management and other specialties.

I'm letting her sleep in. And my Tall and towering friend still wants to help me. So I'll accept, gratefully, because I'm still scared for my daughter. I just know how unstable he is himself. How unwell his poor dear self is. If I had the power and income to take him in, to stay with us, I'd do it... but I'd lose my alimony, and it's what makes it possible for us to pay the bills... So I cannot do it though I want to terribly. He's become a valued part of this home, with his little contributions. Help, cooking cleaning, help in simple and kind ways.

Today is a new day, with the sun shining brightly. Who knows what it might bring. I hope it's a good day. I need one.

there are times when I really wish I weren't me...
tonight/today was one of those times.

Most of the day was wasted with sleep and rest. The other part was quick trips to get things accomplished. Nothing more... oh yes... and the verbal battle that ensued with my daughter.

With mental/emotional health issues like hers... being without a curcuail medication is tragically destructive. So is adding milk/dairy to her diet, as it adds to the paranoid delusions and the rage, assumptions, and accusations. In short... I'm exhausted, destroyed by the fevered angry parley. Rage bitterness, conflict.. it wears me out, and damages my soul, deeply. I made the mistake of reminding her that this issue with dairy becoming a toxin, literally poisoning and altering her mind, is just like her father... she came raging again later, saying she'd rather die than be like him.

It IS terrifying to have her lose rational thought, and be sure of my distaste and desire to have her out of my life. Believing I'd blame her for every nightmare, every failed relationship, etc. Including the death of my sweetheart.
**shaking head sadly**

I'm worn out, my friends...
I'm so tired of the rage, the fury the accusations and bitter manipulation. I admit that is how she HAS destroyed opportunities for happiness, and a couple of relationships for both herself as well as for me...

My friend tall and lanky left us alone when she'd accused me of wanting to leave and have fun with him, when he'd asked US to go out and enjoy the evening.. away from our home... He likes her, as much if not more than he does me. As a father figure and adult likes the kids he gets to know. Anyway, they had a nice bond, but he's made it clear he feels a need to step back away to avoid more accusations and destroying our family. That may be what we need, anyway, though she insisted later, that he makes being around me more tolerable. I think it's more than they laugh over the same cartoons and silly jokes... and he's gentle yet sarcastic and can take her wit.

I'm getting what I wanted... less of a man who's troubled and needy and more of my daughter... but the angry version of her... if that's what I'm in for... I'm not sure I can bear it. She hurts me so deeply. Worse than almost anyone else... Never as cruel though as her father.

But I'm tired, drained emotionally. How I wish I had someone to hold and comfort me... but I'm not supposed to have that in my life... so, I have no choice but ti fight it all down, numb myself and push on.

I've got something to really, REALLY look forward to... and thanks, you-know-who... I'm going to be taking photos with my new much needed set of wheels, but only once I've gone through it to detail it, myself. I'll be the proud owner of the newest car I've ever owned and one with hardly any miles, all said and done. Anyway, I'm thrilled.. and, ahem, Imma gonna have to get an owner's manual just for the stereo alone... and the repair and owner's manuals for the car, too. I'm still in the groove, after all those years of being married to a Mr Fix-it, who loved to tinker with the $500 cars we used to buy. And I know a thing or two as far as what to listen for and what to look for, too. Shrugs, I'm weird.
YUP.
I know it.

But buying the spare key and one for my kidlet are something I can't wait to do.. once I get the car, license it and get the insurance put in IT.
Wheeee... a car!!!

I get to get my new-to-me car some time in the next couple of days.

And then, more things will be able to fall into place.

God knows I need that.

I am learning so much about men, relationships, letting go, the need to forgive selves and others even more... and so much that it makes me wonder if I'll ever "GET" how things are and should be.

Then again, I kind of get it better than too many ever do. I can't complain.

we learn by trial and error anyway, right?

I'm recognizing the need to be discrete about the abuse and selfishness, the insanity of my ex, because most men have no clue how truly vile he was, so will see themselves far too much in what we, my daughter and I point out as negatives in him. My poor friend, Tall and Lanky compares his life as a husband and father to the man I'd lived with and put up with far too long. Unless you've known someone who's criminally insane, and a sociopath who's struggling to keep a semblance of control upon himself, then you'll never know what I went through. At least, I sure do hope not.

Anyway, life is life. I had to take today off... yes, again with no pay *sigh* that's just life with a body that hates me. Too much pain and my mind can barely function.