reminders in photos, TV and movies.. something that reminds me of him.. lips like his a smile wide and glowing.. eyes sparkling with wrinkles like his... not a bad thing to see reminders of that man of mine.

Last night, his baby brother reached out to me, via text.. poor man, saying he was crying like a girl.. in a cruder way... and wishing his brother were there. Alex had held the family together. He was support and supported... loved and giving. Nods, we truly were a fitting pair... *sigh* Ah well...
Anyway, the text came through as from Alex.. I'd not yet set the number as now owned by his brother. He'd given the phone and months worth of service to him. I'm going to ask his older sister once more, to send copies of the photos she'd taken of us together, to me... I need them to remind me of that loving moment, when we were reunited.. the tenderness in his eyes, the pleasure at smelling my skin and hair, the brush of lips against lips... and the sweetness of moments of just staying positioned hovering over the man I love. I miss him so much at times... but I'm grateful too that hes been set free of the pain and sorrow he'd had at being without me, and pain of that terrible disease and the side effects of the cancer that riddled his dear body.

the day started, gray cold and stormy, a reflection of my mood. I was tearful all morning, but...

One of his sisters sent me a sweet positive text wishing me a God blessed Sunday. I'm ever so thankful to be part of that family. To see the beauty in their faces, to hear voices and words reminding me of his.. but none so far that have his sexy wonderful chuckle that weakened my knees. I doubt that I'd find anything quite like his anyway.

Tonight a friend.. a man who'd lived downstairs, below me for a few months, who'd graduated from my high school in Eugene, asked me how I'm doing, letting me know where he is, enjoying the weather and beauty of southern Utah. He's a social worker, and a man with common interests, education, and hometown... a good guy. Anyway, he'd mentioned the desire to take me with him to double date with his friends... a man from our hometown and his wife... He mentioned he'd like to take me out for lunch next time he's in town. I texted a positive response. He's kind and interesting to converse with. A good guy, as far as I can tell. Anyway, he'd also at one time offered a couch and love seat to replace mine. IF he's still got them, I'd like to accept and have them moved in.

I'm blessed, my friends. I know people say it's due to who I am, how I treat others, etc. If that's so, I'm glad to be me...

I've been reading through the messages that remain on my man's phone... I've come to a painful but realistic conclusion... he was the love of many women's lives, hopes and dreams... there were at least four other women, still clinging to him wanting to be that special woman in his life... fighting against the impossible, to be the ONE for a sweet and good and gentlemanly man.

I never fought. Not for him and not for anyone else I thought could possibly love me one day. But I'm learning from the side of the men, more about how easy it seems for a woman to throw her heart away, casting it adrift on their fantasies and desires... and all upon a man incapable of truly allowing their love to take root and take hold in his heart, to grow... I have NO clue why mine took root and grew so high in his life. I was just bumbling around in my life... no longer believing I could be accepted as I am, for who I am, and something tugged at his own heart, for me.

I've told Tall and Lanky that I loved him... Several times, but so too have countless others. He only took to heart the words of perhaps half a dozen of hundreds. But we... we women don't listen to the words a man writes or speaks... we're too sure we can hit his spot and make him see... But what I've learned... is this... it's wasted space on paper, it's a waste of our lives and emotions, to allow ourselves to believe we COULD be the one if he'd only give it a chance... Chance has nothing to do with it.

Chance isn't enough to make love grow. I'm learning of the tragedy of love. The broken hearts that must now mend.

The other day, in my blog mentioning the screams and moans, crying left upon my sweetheart's phone... it wasn't the gilr I'd thought it was... that was his sister, who misses that dear man's voice and laughter. Poor baby, she was crushed having to go down to the funeral home, alone.. to collect his urn and return home with it a couple days ago. This morning I spoke with the woman who'd been trying to get a hold of him via phone. When she'd picked up the phone she said, happy belated birthday, sexy man. Oh, God, how I hated having to tell her the news... But until I'd gone through messages later, I had no other phone number but a couple of business ones for her... anyway, I gave her my name and told her the news. I told her I knew she was one of many women who'd loved my fiance and that I was sorry to be the bearer of the news, and that I had wanted her to know. I knew how important it is to have closure. I told her he'd tried to get family to call and reach her. And that if she needed someone to talk with about him I was using his phone. She and one other woman had left Happy Birthday messages on his phone yesterday, which was touching and saddening at the same time.

There are others to inform of his passing... woman who'd professed their love to him in texts, emails phone messages and in person. This man was one of the men I've had in my life who've told me of a few women who've confessed fully loving them.

I have come to a sad conclusion. That it is best to keep my love secreted away from men from now on. To never disclose fully how I feel for them. My love isn't wanted. Let me clarify that sentence... until they proclaim it, it isn't wanted. Until a man wants a woman and is utterly sure she's the one he wants.. why disclose such deeply destructive words? Destructive to a friendship. Damaging to a heart and soul when someone rejects it. All it does is weaken a man's hold on a relationship.

I will never again utter the words I love you to someone new and precious in my life. Unless it's a grandchild -- which would be an even greater miracle, since my baby will probably be xxxxxx to be sterilized, for her protection. Not until he's shown and told it to me... only then will I unbridle my burgeoning load of love upon him. Let loose the dam that held it back and let it flow. And hope my love is truly wanted... because I've loved men and been destroyed by them before... I can't take the cruel ways a man automatically reacts to a woman he's getting close to when he decides he can't allow her that close... and so... no more sharing my love too fast, too soon. Because I know no man who's been capable of believing in it when confessed too soon, or when unwanted. It becomes something cheap. And so does everything I've shared or laid naked exposed to his eyes and soul.

Now, or those who know me and I've told I love you... a certain man or two... they know, and have seemed to accept it as it is.. thank you. Because, you know it's true. I Do love you... with a desire and a sweet acceptance as you are. And my love is full and boundless. I can love. I know my heart, my mind and body. I know my soul... and I know that I was made to love fully. And, that my love is easily shared and given... and when it's claimed a soul to love... it won't let go, but may step back and accept its place as secondary or tertiary part in your life.

I recognize that I may never be loved enough again to feel the love of a man who WANTS and NEEDS me enough to proclaim it, and to need to claim me as his. I understand that the world is a cold place, yet beautiful... and that there's good in acceptance of a role, no matter how brief or stilted it may need to be. I'll accept it while it's clearly there and needing to be filled.

I know that there are men who live in fantasy worlds... and only see what they had in their hands once it is gone and never will return. I've learned that myself. I am learning how broken and messed up the girl I was truly WAS. Poor sweet and lovely girl, who was clueless as to how she'd affected the lives of men who'd tried to catch her interest. Poor foolish girl who had no clue how sensually she moved even when she thought she was a brown gray mouse who slid quietly in the shadows of life. I now know the shadows were never my place to be. But I still may chose them as the safest most comfortable place while I'm learning and rebuilding my life.

I'm accepting that tall and Lanky will never have a long role in my life, except as a friend who's more like a brother than a lover. And that's fine. It's safest for a woman like me.

So... I'm learning that proclaiming my love to a man who's not ready for it... won't cause a change bringing him towards me. He'll be like all the others... saying I care for you. All it means is.... I don't see you that way. I don't want to hurt you or make you leave, but don't say those words to me. you aren't what or who I want. Leave those words behind you, ladies, if you don't want a broken heart. Accept that he isn't ready. Or that he's not the one. So accept instead of continuing to confess it. Don't waste your heart on a man who's got other things on his mind. Recognize that he's NOT the right fit, after all... accept the joy and good that you Do share while enjoying being in his presence. Don't let rejection fester, and don't let recognition of a lack of love from him destroy you bitterly, either.

Just accept that he's not ready, not interested and he's still looking. He may not find that which he thinks he wants. I've grown to understand that there are some who live in a fantasy world. Players, users, and romanticizers. They are the clueless ones, for they will have rejected the ones that would have fulfilled their desires in person, because they cannot see what is real as extraordinary.

I accept that I'm not someone a man can handle if he's not looking for an intense and weird sort of woman. Let's face it, I'm weird. I'm a mess and I'm not much of a lady, nor a whore/slut. Though in sex and passion, yes, IF allowed to unleash my heat and all of my true SELF... I'm a lady, I'm a lover, I'm a hungry animal in heat, and I'm fully aware of my gifts and abilities... and, I'm a woman who's seen by millions as a sexual object, *smirks* and by a few who've gotten to know me... they know I'm a woman of emotions, of intelligence and of a good heart. They see my inner beauty and know me for who I truly am... to those, my heart and arms lay open to you. I love you....
I know I'm a one of a kind sort person... Gods, I HOPE so... the world would be one strange place to be if there were countless Dreamies all over the place. I'm thankfully a one of a kind sort of weird. well, excepting my mini-me... my poor daughter is about as weird as I am. Almost... though she's rougher around the edges. She grew up wild and hillbilly. Her daddy had no etiquette. He is a belligerent direct and rude sort of man. So she doesn't know every fork spoon and knife nor how to be polite in gentile company. Which saddens me, because there are times when I'd love to have her glow in a higher circle and be seen as the princess I see in her.

Back to me and my revelations... *smiles in thought* I'm accepting that an urgency is needed in my search for a car. Not just because that tall and Gangling man needs to no longer feel comfortable in my home, but because we, my daughter and I NEED the independence it will provide us. And, I need him to no longer feel comfortable just sleeping in my bed and being in my daily life. He doesn't love me and my daughter enough to deserve that place... smiles.... and doesn't give me the pleasure of tupping and fucking, just frustrates and confuses my body to have someone there snoring by my side who has the potential to be a very pleasure producing playmate. He doesn't WANT me, so why allow myself to be confused or hurt. I'll accept it and be thankful that he's a decent to me and mine as he is.

I'll be communicating when I can.. and Arbor, I thank God for your loving self. I'll b free of confusion, thanks to your generous and loving self!!! Tahnks to the men who reach out to me off this site... thick, quiet, kid, whokens, and my treasured friend TJ.

I know you all have others in your lives who make them worthwhile... so thanks for taking note of me at all. And thank you for the love and kindness.

feeling lost... this week was about as hard as the past one... 2nd anniversary of my mother's death, claimed by colon cancer. And, today would have been Alex's birthday.

Still no car, feeling helpless, empty and disconnected.... oh, so very lost and trapped, in the dark...
ahh well, life is my hell

I miss him...
I finally recalled the password my sweetheart had shared for most of his accounts... Listened to his messages on his phone... and my heart ached for a young woman who'd had a crush on him, and had lain with him... her sorrow filled the voicemail... cries and screams of angst... poor girl. i deleted it, to forget that my heart had just hours before, burst at the sound of his voice as I'd called the phone just to hear him, myself...

And, last night, I'd spilled tears and moans of despair in my bedroom, and accepted the embrace of a man I'd once played with...

I let him soothe me... and ached because later, I was longing for the man I loved... and saddened that I've been with men like this one... no loving tenderness... except when holding me to help release my sorrows... and then, when in intimate positions... feeling more alone afterwards than I had before...

It's not worth it, is it?
Trusting... being broken and giving chances...
Is it?
Could it be worth hurting?

loneliness has taken it's toll on me...
slipping into mistakes as quickly as I slide out of my shoes after a hard long day of work...

A man in my bed, waiting and with a body I recalled from my past... touched me and taught me he still had something... but no lips brushed, nor eye focused upon me.. reminded me of why I'd walked away.

I refuse to feel shame nor sorrow for moments of experience... I'd honestly forgotten the feel of a man within me. But when there's no real desire or interest in being WITH me... No tenderness or passion shown... he's missing out on the heat and the truest pleasure my body stirs within a man, or sets ablaze between... It is easy to let go of such empty choices and recognize he's never accepted.. nor, wanted me, who I am.. what I've got to give.

I am lonely... so lonely...

But I'll stay that way and stay true to myself, to the honor bestowed upon me of true and pure love... I'll honor the rich sweet and gentle gifts given by the one man who's loved me, accepted and adored me for me...

Some insist that there's no way I'll be alone for long...
But my life has been filled with longing and loneliness...
sadness and emptiness... there are glimmers of joy now and then... and they are what soothe me into sunset and then the moon's glow which turns to moonset and sunrise... glowing glory and cool darkness...

I long for arms strong and protective... I ache to be the joy and life for my partner... and I have no one... but my child to be there, for me... no partner.. no man to stand by me, lay with me... hold me...

Alone in the darkened room... I'll play the music I'm growing to love and let go for a moment... cry silent tears and heartaches out, until I'm drained of them... and only have my self to forgive, to learn from and maybe, to force into making new hopes new dreams, or rekindle old ones...

I am so thankful for good people in my life... from my deceased sweetheart, to my daughter, and some cherished friends... both here, and those made in person. I do feel blessed. I'm still concerned about my need for a car, a change in jobs and living space... all else now is background noise. I need peace, and found it in the words so many utter, and within my own self.

Do you know how much you move me? How much I truly love you, my friends? I do so hope so...
TJ, I loved our recent conversation, my darling man.
Whisper, I thank you so much for your friendship and for being my sister. Same goes to TWL, Bra and several other lovely ladies here, whom I adore.
Showy, Michael, guitar, cub, Danger Ass, and a few other sweethearts, I love getting to know you, as good and decent naughty guys. I love the calibre of men I get to claim as friends here.
Whokens, you know how I cherish our friendship... biggest hugs, my dear.
And my sweet arbortech... I'm working on your request, honey... and hope they are exactly what I'm hoping to achieve. Thank you for being one of my guardian angels.

I miss him... oh, I miss him...

I've missed his voice since he stopped being able to utter a word. To be honest, I missed him as soon as I'd gotten out of his car, and dragged my suitcase through the doors of the airport in May. But I don't miss his pain, the breath halting his words. I don't miss seeing my sweetheart and how he had to clear mucus using a tool, I don't miss the terror on his face as his body was shutting down.
But I can say this... the sweetest moments this month with him, were our reunion, oh, the moments I was atop him on his hospital bed, my hair grazing his skin as I lifted his oxygen mask and kissed his full and cold lips with my warm ones... the feel of his hand raised to pull my mane towards his nose, to breathe in the scent of my hair. Oh, I loved those moments when all others and everything else were forgotten, other than just the two of us, together again.

Oh, to love so deeply, so completely as to let the crowd of onlookers melt into the background as two lovers reunited in front of them. Ignoring cruel comments from a past and spurned lover of his... how unkind her words and harsh tones as our lips met as I buried my tear stained face in his neck and snuggled up to his weak and thin frame, afraid to break him but not caring who saw my joy at being with my man once more...

I needed that time with him as much as did he... oh, my darling, my darling, how deeply my love flows... you know it, though... for surely you felt it as I kissed your jaw as I felt you losing your life, to move on, forward, away from me... I scattered kisses over his lips, cheek, chin and neck... nuzzling, loving and proclaiming my undying love and utter joy at being his, and being WITH my sweetheart once more.. of knowing his love for me and acknowledging how pure, beautiful and true a gift he'd given.. the sacrifice he'd given for love of the woman his heart claimed as his... My poor darling, to learn that his doctors were utterly clueless, helpless and foolishly using him as a guinea pig, because his case was something so unheard of, they had no idea how horrible his suffering, this wasn't supposed to be...

release from those painful shackles that held him here... My baby, oh such a question he'd written to me, How long can one survive in this kind of hospice situation? and then, how can I speed my passing? Oh, God knows he was suffering. Oxygen removed, nourishment, and and hydration... and within hours our loving embrace was one of love, joy in loving and of goodbyes... of promises of heavenly reunion, and of holding one another close until it happens... for I believe in heaven and in eternal love... Oh, I miss him... But I'm blessed to have been loved so utterly, so fully and purely... He honored me in a way no other man has, and I imagine any man in my future will... And, to love him into releasing his tight grasp on life, to stay with me... and knowing he couldn't take another day or moment without me, I was truly in awe of his perfect love for me... humbled and grateful for the love of the finest man I have known. He'd chosen to make sure of his passing withing the arms of the one woman he has loved... and to not have to feel the absolute aching sorrow of losing me again, when it was time for me to fly away home to my daughter...

Those moments with Alex were the more terribly perfect and special I will ever claim as a treasure in my life...

Tonight I'm sharing one song that he'd loved and wanted to sing to me.. when we'd believed we had time for our marriage and lives together...

I knew my sweetheart would die. Premonitions like the one I'd had a few months ago, never are wrong. I hate it when I get ones like this. But it prepared me for the reality I am now facing. The man I've wanted all my life will not be mine to live life with. I'm not complaining. It is just as painful and twisted and ironic as so many things that happen in my life. Ce ca.

He's dying...
Alex asked that I be there, for him... so his sisters are going to see about coming up with money for the airfare for me. I wish I could get a flight, like for today... as in ASAP... but I'll be lucky to find and confirm one for tomorrow. And then get back home on Sunday. It'll mean yet another day off without pay, like today. My paychecks are going to be slim for the next two pay cycles...

For those who'd said I'd see him again, yeah, I guess you're right. But he might already be in the induced coma by the time I get there. We'll see. This is NOT how I'd envisioned my life to be. But as I've said hundreds of times already... I've gotten to know what it feels like to trust in someone fully, to know when he says he loves me, I know fully. He's in love with me and I with him. And that's the greatest gift. To love and be loved by someone I truly admire, respect, adore and desire. It is my hope that I can be by his side when he goes... to send him to heaven, holding his hand, and my cheek against his skin. I LOVE Alex with all of my being. And this news is bittersweet, to me.

I get to see my love again, touch him and be there with his family.

today is nearly ended... so too, that shiny green badge. thanks to those who've gifted it to me in my past, and for this last time. Thank you for friendship, for love and hope. For helping my journey to becoming a more assured self, and for believing in me.

I know so many who grew tired of hearing my gratitude in person... but, to someone who's had little courtesy and kindness in her life.. it's a miracle a real and glowing light. Please don't blow it out. rather, tolerate and accept my awe and utter inability to comprehend why.. why I was lacking so greatly. why a "partner" would deny his spouse the tender respect and simple decency that I am overwhelmed by now, so late in my life. Forgive me for over doing it. And for being terrified of not thanking you. I still expect kindness to be withdrawn. For a thoughtless cruelty to negate it all as I have experienced at the hands of too many. As I continue to be crushed by things that happen in my life.. To be honest less is at the hands of others.. But more, due to the heart aches of the pain and suffering of those I love most. And my absolute inability to heal and help them.

Thank you moments of awe. For love and respect and simple decency.