This is the first weekend with no long drive for family events; no concerts to keep me up late... and no daughter at home. Peace, quiet and contemplation will be mine this time. I'll be going through boxes again, and repacking some for donations to the thrift shops that riddle this valley. I figure, I don't need it, and it's useful, I'll let someone else make a buck off it, for the good of a cause. I'm not able to pick up the phone for offers on nickel and dime things, so I'm just going to give them up. No need to cling to things from my past that aren't needed, or used regularly. Time to let go, move forward with less weight on my shoulders and make room for a better life, better people, better things to fill my days, and nights with.

I still think it's peculiar how men reach out from the past right now. I'm not desperate for companionship. I don't need the touch of a liar, user, abuser, or someone who has no respect for who I am or what it feels like to be relegated to the back of the line and back of the mind. I'm not going to settle for meaningless meetings in the dark of the night, or once in a while texts or offers of sex. I deserve better than that. I WANT more than that, And I believe I deserve to BE more than that to anyone who wants to be with me. If he doesn't respect me enough to care how his actions and words affect me, he doesn't care enough for my own good. I'm tired of being the one a man turns to when he's alone or lonely. I'm not interested in being the dirty little secret. And I'm not wanting anything from someone who's non-committal and disinterested in knowing me for all of me, and being loved. Because anyone who's going to share my bed, or share his with me, will be wanted and loved in one or more ways... and, he's going to have to prove he's worth something and that he recognizes my value, too. He's stuck in a hard place, because of my foolish and painful past... He'll have to prove he means it, prove he cares, prove he wants me and follow through. Then again... he'll have the same from me. I show how I feel in all I say and do. In my eyes, my kisses, my touch and tone of voice that gets silky and smooth as chocolate when I'm wanting, or content and sure.
I'm mentioning all of this because there are men out there, who're from my past... who reach out now and then, and act as if they can pick up where things ended and it'll be cool with me. It's not. I need more. Commitment, trust, and consistency for starters... I am a woman, someone who cares, someone who longs for someone to hold me and desire me as I am, and for who I am.

I have three more weeks until I get to be in Chicago with a man who's become very special to me. At first, just friends on a penpal site, who wrote once in a while about odd things, musical tastes and how our lives were going. A little bit flirtatious, but nothing more than friendship. We both see and believe in and feel more now... I'm not going to over-think it, but I'll also heed any warning signals or signs of it not being the right thing for us. But honestly, I love the soft glow in his eyes when he sees my smile. And I still enjoy the rich mellow sexy chuckle that spills from him as we laugh. It would be wonderful and amazing to me if this is the right fit, and relationship... but if not, it will have been a fantastic opportunity to share completely with someone I hold close in my heart.

So, for now, I'm setting aside many things and dreams of the past that are no longer good fits to me. I'm saying good bye to men who don't see me as more than a playmate, and refuse commitment. And I'm relaxing even though I'm sexually frustrated and still got a raging libido... I'd rather be utterly alone and know I'm not compromising myself, than be seeing someone every day or night who doesn't respect and desire me as I am.
MY weekend is going to be a process of cleansing. My home, my life and my body, as I take my natural remedies for this sinus infection. I'll purge, purify, simplify and rest. I'll heal and find peace and solace in music and in the sound of my clocks tick-tocking in the other rooms. Soothing rhythm and calming surroundings. All good.

smiles.. I was going to go to bed early today. So tired and worn. swollen burning eyes and lungs that can't seem to fill enough... But I HAD to come here, for a moment in a site that is home to me. I sent half a dozen photos via text to that dear man over there.. of snow touched mountains and the buildings that surround the building in which I work. The view was limited to the windows of the break room on my floor. But I hope he will be able to see a bit more of this place that I live in. A country of it's own... weak alcohol, no Dunkin' Donuts, White Castle, or Bakers Square, to begin with... Smiles, he gets so weirded out by all the things and places they don't allow within the borders of this state. Anyway... I didn't talk for long with him today. Just a few minutes an hour before I left work. He'd sounded so weary that I figured he could use rest. But I plan to make up for that with him tomorrow, and, well.. I've only a few things planned for the weekend. Chores, going to the storage unit, and doing more spring cleaning in my home. No fun. Just rest some drawing and studies and work. Mmmm, and talking with him. I want to bring a gift for him.. more than just myself, I mean. I'm not yet sure what it'll be. But I'm looking at the calendar, I'm loving our conversations and I'm spending as much time as I can with my kid. I know she's still scared that I won't come back. Terrified from so many times her father plotted my demise or abadonment on trips with me over the last few years of our marriage. I thank God he'd never followed through, or changed his mind last minute. I know her fear all too well. But this time.. I'm flying to someone special who has helped me take care of her. Someone who's listened to me cry, and laugh and work through my nightmares. And who's grown fond of his Utah girl. I know that it's going to be hard to wait. And thrilling to look forward to... and my lovely and darling friends... yes, I'm letting go of worry, and I'm going to relish ever moment and experience we have together. I'm not going to wonder why. I'm too happy to have this dream come alive. And with it, comes possibilities to reach and fulfill even more. For now, I imagine touch, caress, scent, sound and view all heightened and relished. And I'll take a camera, and maybe tripod? I doubt he'd let me... but oh how I want to take a photo of us together. Innocent, and alluring. Erotic in what it might hint at. And all simply for us. This will be an adventure. And this is something I will treasure and replay in my mind... and so will a man that I'm eager to allow to taste of my passion as completely as he will require of it... for I AM a lover. Unbridled, I follow the lead, taste the need and secret hunger and unleash it to build it higher and relish the possibilities. I'm also going to dine on foods, meet family, and enjoy scenery... The most important part of the trip... Is embracing and being together. All else will follow and come naturally. I'm not scared or anxious about this... I'm pleased, thrilled and know it's about time to make it happen.
Thank you for support. And thank you for knowing my heart. I've never cared whether I was struggling and poor or comfortable financially when I believed in the people I loved. Love, mutual respect, understanding and many common beliefs and interests.. and honesty... all make any relationship into perfection. We get to explore our feelings, our attraction... and our views of life and of each other/ourselves. Exciting! Perfect!

there are so many different levels of and breeds of friendships I've recently made.

There's the kind where someone "friends" you, here, on FB or some other site. Just to collect friends or get noticed through someone else's page. Then there are those whom I love getting to know.. men and women who have similarities, common interests and respect for one another... There are plenty who fall into this category here, on this site, and others.

And there are family members who become some of the dearest friends, people in our local communities and co-workers, too.

I've had friends become lovers, and a man who'd thought that we were only players/Friends-with-benefits who fit well together, become one of the most supportive and protective male friends I've known.. odd, since he's perhaps at times come closer to as bad for me in relationships as my ex... crushing me to bits, and almost feeling like he'd shatter my belief in men being caring and capable of respecting and loving women. He's turned out to be my tower who shadows me, shields me from harm literally, and watches over me. It's weird, but also makes some sense. He's even gone so far as to volunteer to shuttle me to work, the airport for my flight to see my dear in IL.. and then to collect and take me safely home again when I arrive at the airport when flying home. I accepted, though, I worry that he might be hurt over it. He was stunned to discover that the flight was a gift of love and hope for me. He doesn't understand how I can find or be found by such generous hearts. I'm overwhelmed, myself... But also am grateful to a wonderful and generous soul who stated it and led my sweetheart to fill in the rest.. I only paid about $12.00 of my own money for the trip.
And I can promise I'm going to enjoy being there. I'm warned by the loving man I'm going to be with, that he's looking for a special experience for me... for US. He's already hinting at amazing possibilities. He's planning to spoil me like... well, I've never been treated like this before, really... how can I describe it? Except to say, I feel special and important, to be so lavished upon. I would have been happy at a Motel 6, with MacDonald's for breakfast, lunch and dinner... as long as I was with him. I don't demand much... and expect? How dare I presume anyone would go out of their way for me? Anyway, I'm worried that he'll waste too much of his hard earned money on me. He doesn't make much, and works very hard. He's so worn and thin. I just want him to take a bit of time away from work and worry, and let me treasure him. That was all I'd wanted. That is all I needed... At least, I thought so. I'm happy to have started a friendship nearly 2 years ago on an innocent site(or so I'd thought). Simply seeking friendship and no romancing. Flirting sure, but with no purpose or goal in mind. It became more on it's own. And we'll see is there is as much as there might be in it, or if it should simply be settled back into some sort of Just friends status. I'm not sure I can want that or even picture that with happiness, right now. But, I know that if we're not meant to be, I won't try to force it. No forcing a bud to bloom when it's not ready. No trying to make an orchid out of a dandelion. If it's right, it's right, and if not... it will not happen. Anyway, thank you for listening to my ramblings. And thank you for your dear caring hearts and kind souls. And for absolute curiosity.

"Our deepest need is for the joy that comes with loving and being loved, with knowing we are of genuine use to others."
-- Eknath Easwaran

last night's concert, for Royal Bliss wasn't a waste at all, even though I didn't find anyone to use the 3 unused tickets. I'd the two I'd brought two of the tickets in with me, then dumped them in the trash while there. Later, I realized I should have had them signed and saved for later years, when the band has become even bigger.

The whole concert was fed live onto the internet, worldwide. I had only begun to be impressed before it, of the significance of that date. 6 years prior, on that date, the lead singer of the band had been told by his wife, she was pregnant. 15 years before, they'd become a viable band. And the list goes one. And, the leader of the band, Opal Hill, yet another local, celebrated his wedding anniversary with a concert... same time. I adore that guy, too. A nearly toothless man who's got true soul and an intriguing voice. Heck, so does Neal the singer/song writer for Bliss.

The acoustics of The Depot make an outstanding quality of sound for the performers, and so, it's no wonder that big named singers and groups play there when in town. The lights, and sound... and everything was fantastic, and I loved the new songs they'd put on the plate for us, the fans to give feedback upon. Cry, Baby was awesome... all three of them were, really... And, they even sang, at the end, in a spur of a moment add on, their first song. The guys were xxxxxx out of their minds, but they were great.

Yesterday I'd kind of blown off my guy in IL, twice. I didn't want to. My tall and lanky friend had shown up at my home after having messaged, and called trying to reach me. I hadn't been sure why. I'd given him my queen double height air matters, to have a bed... He'd needed my air pump, which I let him take gladly. He was there, when my sweetie called, and had been wanting to help me get some things done. We got part of it done. That man REALLY has a fixation or, maybe need, for grocery shopping with a woman. Perhaps it's comforting to him, or makes him feel needed, or a part of something. He also seems to love to watch the give and take and idle loving but ornery banter passed between me and my daughter. We're sassy smart-asses who express our love and adoration in that way as well as in hugs, and snuggling and caring for one another when we see need in the other. We're bonded, my daughter and I. Stuck at the hip? Naw, but I'm not afraid of hurting my daughter with too much loving in my words and actions. She is as caring and giving a soul as am I. And needs it in return as do I. The other time was simply when I very much knew I'd be making us miss out on all the openers to the concert if I didn't have Tall and I leave ASAP. He might nnot have seemed to have minded, but I know him... he holds it in and lets things seethe and I don't like to upset people. But oh I was tempted to stay home long enough for the ritual I've grown to love with my guy in Chicago. I love "being there" with him on his drives home. Being in the car with him, in spirit while we talk of anything that comes to mind, while he tells me about his day or listens to mine. And we dream of and talk of what we're looking forward to in the future, and the near one... our 4 day/4 night weekend together...

Today I got to speak with him once... and well, he was barely awake the next time and somehow I'd lost connection with him, so the second didn't count... He took me with him to what he'd called a "Big Ass Mall" in Chicago, to get a pair of K Swiss shoes, and a new headset. The headset was a knock off, but it worked great. I'm not sure if he'd kept it, since the buds kept falling out of his ears while we were "walking" from shop to shop. I wish I'd gotten to talk with him when I'd called after my time with family. But he was asleep and not able to fully awaken. A man who gets too little sleep and not enough food to sustain him... needs his rest, more than he could possibly need to hear my voice. At least, right now, I want him to heal. I'm worrying over him still. He works too hard, too long, and still, with no food breaks any more. Oh what a cruel thing to demand. I remember back when we'd talk while he was inhaling his lunch in the break room. I miss knowing he was sitting down eating something real. And, I need to get it through his thick head how crucial it is that he get his biopsy ASAP, on a growth in his jaw, on the same side as all the horrific pain and the side that was affected by Bell's Palsy. I was reminded of that today, due to seeing one of my lovely cousins at a family function. She's getting over her palsy. The only thing that was noticeable about hers any longer, was that on that side, her eye winces oddly with each bite as she's eating. The growth is thought to be a tumor. I happen to work for a branch of the health insurance company that is covering his care, and I've already told him how important it might end up being, for him to call them in person to request the referral/precertification, for that biopsy. I KNOW how things work there. I KNOW how serious this issue is for him... And the last time he'd ignored my insistence for him to get help, was when the Bell's Palsy first started. Just from the symptoms in his jaw signifying to me some sort of infection. I want this man safe and sound and whole. And I so want our time together to be wonderful... but I'm also very concerned over the increased pain in his jaw. And in his declining weight. I want to be with him now. To watch him sleep, not just hear that sweet soft deep breathing of his, and dozy voice. I miss him when I can't hear him. And that troubles me, because we're so far away from one another... and, I don't want to lose him before I get to spend time with him.

I had a fine day today. I got to spend time with family. I'm definitely part of that one... There is no denying my lineage and strong resemblances to aunts, and cousins and my dad. They're beautiful women, by the way. The ones I look most like. So I'm honored to be called Mini-me RE one aunt, and her oldest daughter as mini-me-too. The aunt I'm called a Mini-Me of.. was a runner up to Miss Oregon decades ago. That side of my family ages slowly and well... though, oddly my cousins were stunned to discover how old I am. I look about their ages... 30's from start to end. I used to be curious as to why my step-mom sisters and cousins used to stare and say, Wow, D*%* you look fantastic.. and then say, you get younger every year. Oddly they are right. And weird thing is, I'm not one of those women obsessed with the "fountain of youth." But maybe it's from letting go of something that was horribly wrong and toxic... my marriage. And maybe it's that I feel beautiful finally. Sort of. Maybe it's that I love myself deep down inside, and know I'm worth something. It doesn't always STICK... but I'm starting to believe it. WHY? Because I get reminded by a wonderful trucker from this place, and by a man in the Chicago area and by others both here, and in person. And, I'm finally able to see past the fear and rage and torment and terror of living in someone else's nightmares and hallucinations.. having to pretend I trusted his warped and terrifying mind. Pretending I felt loved didn't ever fully work to fill in the empty spots. Nor cover up the damage his toxic soul poisoned me with over the span of decades. But letting go and changing myself, my life, my environment. THAT did.

I'm letting go of still more. Today while on the phone with the man who's sure he wants me to be his... I was going through my wardrobe and taking pieces of my past and preparing to give them away, as donations. He'd asked why about one pair of my spiked heeled shoes. I told him in detail what they were used for, with one man from my past. He told me he didn't want to hear any more of that. That he agreed he didn't want me having them. I was glad. I'm done with the past, and I don't want any rivals for any man I'll have in my future... in my wardrobe. As in, locked into powerfully sexual or sick images. I don't want that at all, and I'd hope no man would want to picture someone.. well... that is part of my past now. And I'm glad to let go of a lot of it. Letting go means healing. Letting go means cleansing and renewal. And, letting go means, I'm over that part of my life.

I've got a future to build, don't I? Whether I build it with this man, or someone else... I have no clue. But I do know one thing. Letting go of lead weights means moving FORWARD.
What a perfect Earth Day weekend.

"Try to be like the turtle -- at ease in your own shell."
-- Bill Copeland

well, today I was not expecting a call from a someone special since he'd gotten no sleep since Sunday... long shifts with no breaks for eating wear him thin.. quite literally. He's advised me that he weighs less than he had in HS. Sad really.. this man is nothing but skin, bones, and what's left of the once toned and finely worked muscles. Stress over health issues, countless appointments with specialists, and worry over family members and well.. me and my kid, too... and add two jobs that work him day and night. Some of my worry, for over the past year has included that sweet man in the surrounding area of Chicago.
Anyway, he'd called after his business partner had awakened him asking him to work on an important project, then found a message from the boss on the crazy shifted job(no breaks and working over 15 hrs per day). Anyway, he'd planned to deposit some funds in my checking accnt. to cover the additional costs for my flight. I just took it from my budget for utility bills, gas and auto ins. I HAD to book my flight ASAP. He asked in a foggy haze of sleepiness about the flight being within the 30 day time frame his employer requires as far as notification... Poor sweetheart. I was mentally hugging the frazzled worn out and worried man. The days he'd require off are more than 30 days away. Anyway... Flight booked, tickets paid for.. and it's too late to turn back now. Not that he would want me to do that, lol...

I still am short on funds to pay off the car. But in honesty the funds for this flight are gifts from one friend, and from my guy in Illinois. I plan to give the dealership some money this week and advise them that on payday next week.. though it will cut into everything else.. I will pay another $100.00, or if possible, the remainder of the debt.

Back to the phone call... My daughter had exclaimed loud and sassy that his timing was always terrible.. MUCH less politely, btw... and for the first time in weeks had hollered out her petname for him. I love how he laughs over that obnoxious nickname she gave him!
We talked of work, of our coworkers who are on the inside, rooting us on... and of this place. Of my cherished friendships, and blogs that share more than this very private man would want ANYONE to know, if he knew how to stop an impetuous and free-spirited woman in Utah. He had cried the day I'd told him of the joy filled messages between my friend who's given this selfless gift to me, and said.. You know you left me no other choice but to say yes.. when I'd told him I was going to him.

He reminded me of that shocking first gifted pair of cummy panties after weeks of teasing me long ago now.. after my admission to having at one time been one of the panty sellers here non NN. Yes, really.. and I'd do it again without flinching, lol... and teased that due to my delightful gifts to him... that he's got enough of my underwear so, I don't need to bring any with me... and then backtracked, informing me that underwear on me, might be banned for the duration of the visit!!!
**mortified blushes**

***Shrugs*** maybe?

looking at flights and amazed I'm doing it with purpose, not just day dreams... I'm so excited.. how I want to caress his cheek, kiss his lips and show him in every way.. both sexual and well... my own zany upside down ways... just how much he means to me. Just how much he's become a real and important part of my life. I want to touch down in Chicago, see the lights, and experience that long glorious drive along the lake... oh, how I quake at times.. as I recognize this dream is becoming REALITY. oh, oh... I don't know what else to say but I'm blessed. I get to go to a man I long for. I get to meet him in person and my dears... I also get to hug his mother in person, instead of just telling him to say hi, and give her a hug for me, or simply because she's his mother. Bossy me... yup. I want him to meet my sweet and sassy sis. But that might not happen. I know how self conscious this dear, sweet and caring man is, over his disfigurement. but I see past that, to the man inside, the man's light in his eyes... and oh, God, that sexy chuckle that sends me into orgasmic shivers.... I have fantasized of feeling that vibrating through me, knowing he'll have laughter too full inside of him to hold it in. Already he's admitted that he finds himself with NO control over the huge and twisted smiles that grow and slide across his sweet face at work, at home.. or anyplace.
And he's admitted he's most likely going to spill tears of joy upon me, as I'm sure I will over him. Oh, how I WANT this man...

I was in my winter coat, and giving my daughter a weird smirky smile... Anyway, not exactly the effect I'd wanted, but it'll have to do for now...

I spent time with my daughter, with tall and lanky, trying to help him get over his depression, after I'd struggled up enough to see a bit out over the edge of mine.
And, I have to say that I'm in awe at the love of people here. For generous hearts and people who're true friends.

And, of course, I spent long hours on the phone with the man I adore... talking of the future, our jobs, and the weather... of our pains, recalling our past, and of our dreams, hopes and wishes...
...and, reminding one another of how wonderful we see each other to be. He told me that if he wasn't in love with me before, he couldn't imagine not being in love now, and expounded my perfections, and gifts and delights. He still won't tell me of the habits... things I do while we're talking that he's looking forward to witnessing in person. Umm, he's intimated that he intends to follow through with his reactions to seeing me doing them. Saying he adores those little things I do. Hmmm, wondering what they could be...
He's asked for photos of the mountains surrounding me, and of me laying back in the drivers seat of my car, all Gangsta as I've described and been told I look. A glow-in-the-dark, pasty WHITE lil' Gangsta chick. And me wanting to be with a Brotha from the Hood. Seriously, it's weird but perfect. He's my geeky nerdy black man with big eyes framed with thick long eyelashes, a face that he describes as sliding off, but I love it anyway, because he's behind the now slack muscles... I've enjoyed him as a friend for nearly two years... and somewhere along the way I grew to respect, adore and appreciate him fully.. and then... to trust him knowing he'd do no wrong, frustrated that he wasn't the one to share my bed, when I'd been going crazy... A man who'd admitted he'd felt I'd cheated on him with other men... and crushed when I'd allowed tall and lanky to stomp all over me again and again. He has said a few times he'd like to go back in time and shake me by the shoulders and hug me close, saying don't do that, Dreamy.. Don't let him hurt you... Ex, and other men, too... Anyway, sometimes it feels like forever since we'd met and become connected, and other times it's just a few short moments... But now, it's much longer. I've loved him forever, it seems... When I'd heard his voice before I'd heard him... days before our first comversation, I'd been dazzled by such a gift... and frustrated to feel so strongly that had meant something... I wans't looking for the man I'd be with for the rest of my life then. I had found a friend who was zany, with a sexy voice that made me tingle and feel all warm inside when he chuckled... But through and under it all we've remained friends. And scared that this could be it... Scared what if I botch it up?
There are times when I miss him more than anything. Yearn to touch that face so flawed and twisted, and show him that I love him for WHO he is, not how he looked before. I want him so much I ache. But I also love him enough to be willing to let go, even now, if I had to... But he's told me he won't let me do that. Yesterday he'd made it clear that he can't deny me what I long fir, or his penis what it craves... I want to be there with him... sooner than I'd thought before. I'm almost done paying for my car... but still needing to come up with more, the guy who's lusted over my '57 Ruger .22 semi-auto pistol only gave me just over $200 towards it... But that's more than nothing. I'm still edgy, but that's gotta change, I can't afford to worry over things out there every day and night.. I haven't slept well for too long, some nights/days, only an hour or so total. NOT good for a body or mind... *sigh* I need a stress break... a vacation. I hope to get it some time soon. Anyway, I want to simply say...

I feel wonderfully positive about a man I adore in the Chicago area... A nerdy intellectual and dry witted man, who finds me perfect and wonderful... and absolutely desirable. And I find him wonderful, and as dear as can be. Innocent, not hardly, but someone who's fully aware of himself, and of me... and what we can't afford to ignore, or cast aside as too impossible to have or believe. I want it. I want him. I want to discover what we truly have. I NEED to know if he's my perfect fit... and I'm hoping that will happen very, very soon.
Yesterday and today, I took photos of the Rockies for him. And today, my daughter took a couple of pix of me leaning back in my tilted back drivers seat, all Gangsta, just for him. YES< I REALLY drive that way... it supports my neck and back better.... so I'm able to sit rigid in my chair at work. I'll send the photos tonight in an email. I hope they turned out good enough. And that he'll get a kick out of showing me off again to his coworkers, family and friends. Thanks for letting me bore you again with my sappiness. I'm in moosh with one of the best friends I've ever had.... the only other men who've come close... hmm, are men from this place. an old coot, and well... these guys know who they are...
Loves and Hugglesnugs to all my dearest friends.