Tomorrow is Mother's Day, here in the U.S.
Tat day used to mean flowers and gifts breakfast in bed, royal treatment and one day when mothering is valued, and recognized in special ways. When I was married, it became a day for my husband to gripe bitterly over his childhood recollections of how his mother had treated him. Te last Mother's Day spent with him, my gift to myself was free... a couple birds in a cage, who'd needed a home. And he had announced angrily in church that people celebrating that day were in the wrong, for once a woman has a child she could do no right, only wrong. He wasn't in the household for long afterwards, thankfully. But to him this was truth. There are those out there who've truly had bad examples in their lives... I admit mine had a few... But I am thankful that my daughter is capable of forgiveness, and love beyond the times that I fall apart and lose control and lash out in frustration.
Now, do understand, there were times wen I truly loved my husband and how he chose to show love to us. There was a time when he and I had built a tradition around Mother's Day... you see, I wasn't supposed to ever be able to have children, so... in honor of miracles... we gave a gift to our daughter too. A golden necklace or pair of gem encrusted earrings for me... a pair of earrings or a necklace for her, too. Nothing as adorable as a tiny mite with a glowing smile seated by her Mommy, feeling pleased to have helped her daddy pick a treasure out, and then discovering a simpler version in a ribboned box for her, too.
This year, my daughter is staying home as her gift to me, this weekend. It can't be easy.. I'd errupted in frustration at getting lost, today, yelling, telling her to stop asking questions and cussing up a storm. My guy called as this was going on.. teased gently and when I'd sadly burst into tears saying she had a horrible mother, softly corrected me. Saying that wasn't so.. she has a very good and loving mother in me.. Oh, that was the best gift he could have given me. He's done it before, when things are sadly going awry and I'm concerned for her... He quickly soothes me and changes the mood. How I'm grateful to have him in my life. Others soot me this way, too, mind you... and every one has reminded me that I do my job. And my love for her shows. My daughter accepted my apologies. And she's a true giving caring soul... I'm told she's much like me... I like to think so. Anyway, I'm blessed with a miracle. I'm a mother of one fine and beautiful soul.

counting down days and hours now. My guy called me while I was driving home from work this afternoon. Things dealing with his health are being resolved, moving forward and, oh, the news he is providing me fills me with joy. Regardless of the outcome, progress is progress. I am pleased.
I want you to know how he teases me, chuckles with satisfaction and seems to enjoy the fact that I truly, 100% am eager to be there, with him. I was squealing at one point, reacting to his orneriness, and my excitement to have my weekend with this wonderful man.

Tonight, before I go to the concert up the hill from me.. he and I will be Skyping. For me every time we do that is special. It still impresses and surprises me that even though he admits he wants to see me naked on screen, he won't follow through. I appreciate how much he values me and our friendship. And I'm truly looking forward to private intimacies.

I feel blessed, my dear friends... to love this man as a friend, and want him for who he is. I'm delighted to get to explore the possibilities with him. And happy to have friends here, and in person that are as eager to have me use this once in a life-time chance as I am.

at work, and at home. But everything seems to have turned out fine. Spent time off the phones and on... I wasn't able to achieve much due to the weather, the mood we all seemed to be in. *shrugs* no clue why. but I do know this.. spending time with my daughter was nice. Having a phone conversation with my dear man in Chicago was a boost to me and my mood... and knowing my paycheck will be in my account and that tomorrow is payday is all that I need to provide me some positive.

I'm adding a video of one of my favorite older band's music... I LOVE ELO. lol.. oh, let's face it.. there are so many groups and musicians that I love, from the past, and the present.. but still, this is one band that helps lift me out of blue moods.

today was a difficult day for me. No real communication between myself and Chicago for a couple of days.. that wasn't what made the day hard for me to bear. I want him to heal. And only sleep and self-care will help him accomplish that. Tight finances, a nearly empty gas tank, odd leftovers as lunch and the further depression due to my daughter's issues, and realization of my own culpability in the brutal past, took their toll on me. I am falling apart yet again...

Today was a strange day at the office. A feeling of being unsettled and anxious couldn't be shaken. Listening to one friend's concerns and issues, another's sad and frustrating marriage and homelife, and having a lean towering man there to support and just be there near me, was a reminder of how important I've become to him. He actually hovered near where I work concern on his face, then relief as he saw me walk back. He explained that I have in the past left without letting him know. His remarks made me recognize just how much he deserves to and needs to know where and how I am doing, and before I leave early... he'd like to know about it. That was touching to me. At the end of our shift, Tall and Lanky and I left the building together. As we walked and talked, he asked how I was doing. I told him ok, but that I wasn't sure I'd have enough gas to make it through to Friday after work.. payday. Yesterday I'd helped him cash a tiny check. And to deal with a few things... he is a true friend. He gave me $5.00 worth of gas. Filled his tank with $10.00, leaving him little to nothing from the check. Friendship like ours reminds me of love, and loyalty. This man would never be interested or able to be exclusive with me as my lover... yet his friendship shows more love and devotion than I ever experienced in my marriage, or most familial relations. I was crying when I left the gas station, choking on my words, due to both gratitude to a friend who's willing to share selflessly, and because of how hard it had become for me to hold back my absolute sorrow over having believed that staying with the man I'd married was giving both daughter and husband a worthwhile sacrificed gift. A father and child's sacred relationship. And the sorrow was due to the fact that I was horribly wrong. I feel guilt for the harm that he caused her emotionally and mentally all those years. That is a terrible weight to bear upon my shoulders. I felt it even more due to the weather causing my back to feel broken all day today. Arthritis of body and spirit wrecking havoc upon me. Dark clouds rain and thunder reflected my mood and grief. It was all too much. Tears washed over my mien as I drove home. Tears of guilty sorrow, tears of gratitude.. And such conflicting feelings, all I could do was moan out my pain and grief and also thanks. Once home, I begged my daughter to not hate her father.. because ultimately.. that hate was due to my choice to stay with him, for their sake. That hate, I felt, was more pointed my way that anywhere else. Wrong choices on my part had created her hell.

I need this trip, more than ever. I need this vacation from the stress and trials in my life... and so does this gentle and dear man in the Chicago area.

9 days left and still counting down... yesterday, no phone calls with my man in Chicago, at least, I didn't get notice of one. I don't worry as I KNOW his work schedule and all the pressures of his home life. I want him to sleep, take care of his soul, and to take care of that body I adore so very much. Anyway, I'll be calling HIM, today, if I don't hear from him first.

Yesterday, I'd ended up helping my tall and lanky friend, as well as taking my kid out to dinner, for a much needed break from the apartment(For her emotional self). Between the impending psychiatric evaluation, the trip.. and my being away for so long, so far away, and her father's continued emotional usury of her as his soundingboard for all his anger, frustration and loneliness.. she's losing it, my dears...
Oh how I worry for her safety and security. I KNOW that child of mine and her delicate mind, heart and soul. I'm praying for her every day, so strongly. I pray that my checking account doesn't experience it's first overdraft in about 5 years( I've discovered I'm still paying for some things that I've tried to cancel for months and one I'd never realized I'm paying for until recently)... anyway, it's daunting. I'm learning of things I don't like to know about or suspect about companies and how things are going. I'm worried about my job security, and well... I can say this... there are some things that I know of that are positive. I know a few people in this world who are wonderful. I know of giving loving souls. I know that I am well loved by more than I'd every thought... and I'm glad to be out of a nightmarish marriage. As things come to light, more and more.. things my baby girl has been hiding due to fear that sharing it would have guaranteed my demise... I am amazed at how well she has survived our life with her father... and how blessed we truly are, to be both living all three not gone in a horrible way. His potential for violence, his terrible mind filled with negative, and how nightmarish his voices and achings must have been. Oh, God... I was married to a monster. I'm so glad his mind is being rewired. So glad that terrible disease is changing him day to day. I'm so glad to be freed from his obsessions. Now another woman is... even so, I think that she's lucky to have this new version of him instead of the one that I'd lived with. But, even NOW... even now... his potential as a mass murder and torturer of women still exists, still lays latent, if not fully aware of the world and what he's so sure of is right and wrong in his head is so twisted it will never be a well mind... I'm grateful for doctors, counselors, police officers... all of whom had counseled me over a span of 5 years on how to get out of that nightmare... alive.

That nightmare, so long as my daughter has to be in contact with her father, is not out of our lives. She doesn't HAVE to have that contact. But, she is like me... believes that in order to protect others from his potential and rage, and the violence seething underneath his sanity, she must remain his one consistent listener, must remain close. She's sadly correct. The man will go mad, if he doesn't have someone to talk to, someone to release his frustrations and sorrows upon. My poor baby. She's taken on that same saddening, frightening role that I'd had.
So.. my daughter and I are formulating a plan of how to take care of that time when I'm gone. I want her safe, I want her to FEEL safe. And I want her to know how much I love her. Even now I get people teasing that I might decide to cash in my return ticket and stay there with him. I'd never quit a job like that, for one thing. But most importantly... I'm not irrational. And i'd never hurt my daughter like that. And I wouldn't hurt my man like that, either. I'd disappoint myself. And I'd be a fool.

I'm a woman with a future. I'm a woman with dreams. I'm a woman with a blessed life. I'm alive. I have a job. I have friends. I know I'm someone with value, thanks to the people who've reminded me, and told me, over and over the past few years... I'm believing in myself. I believe I am strong. I know I am unique in positive ways, not just the twisted versions my ex had taught me to believe of myself... but in real and very good ways. I know that I'm not just worthy of love, but that I'm capable of loving. And anyone who knows my love, knows I'm generous in showing it. You KNOW that I love you. And I hope that you feel it to the core of your being.. Because oh, how I do.

for me this blog challenge came at a perfect time.. I'm preparing for a trip of a lifetime...I'm going through some of my lingerie anyway... anyone want to give me pointers... what should I bring?

I've never been to Chicago, and my guy is planning to spoil me thoroughly sightseeing, dining and well... I'm sure we'll be wearing one another out in our room.
He's still sure he doesn't want me to bring anything but my body stocking



and things that will keep me comfortable while commando... silly man.


let's face it... in our room I'm sure most of the time we'll be naked.



Be sure to check out all the wonderful participants of this blog challenge!!!

MissOwl, guitartxn, Tardis, needsithard, Whispermyname, fluffydawg, amancalledpony, dziga, arabella_topaz, angelindisguise, JediMasterBater, OldTroubador, Dreamingof_U, VTCali, sidders73, bighoss2, celticone, rockhard6isback and tight_wet_lips

http://bitly.com/bundles/rockhard6isback/7

today when he called, my sweet man asked if I was all ready for my trip to him.. Heck, no... but I did inform him that I'm liking the idea of two carry-ons and forget the stowing of luggage in the bottom of the xxxxx... My Tall and Lanky friend and a couple others have had far too many times of lost luggage for me to bother. This is just four days, and I'm kind of a light packer usually, anyway. I was driving some things over to Lanky man's house and planning on a grocery run with the young un... so some of his questions were completely unable to be answered without a "Mom!!!" and, "I'm in the CAR, Monkey-Butt!" **blushes**
Anyway, I'm to avoid bringing any unnecessary things like underwear, I've been told so.. he's got two pair of mine there, waiting.. Erm, he'd better wash them if he wants me to wear them. They were sent filled with cummy scents of me... ahem, anyway... he's so thrilled about the prospect of showing me the lake and all that he can while I'm there... we'll have at least one full day and night down in that area... Note to self... Bring sunscreen... SPF30 at minimum at the rate I BURN...

Do you know how wonderful it is to have him so eager, so alive due to the knowledge that I'm going there, to be with him? To be with one of the men who means so much more than I'd ever imagined... God knows I'm terrified of loving him and not being able to have something more with him... but I know he's the same... we're geeks in mush. Clinically distancing ourselves from the situations.. evaluating ever aspect, every angle and determining the worth of everything... Thing is that's not so bad a thing if you grasp fully, the scientific and analytical mind... for we process things quickly. We recognize fully what we have in our hands. We see the true potential for everything we've ever wanted, and everything we believe in and... of all things... I wonder if we'll discover we have it all right there. We're talking of the future already... of his wish to have me there with him for Taste of Chicago, in July... and I... of enjoying the Salt Lake City pass and whether to buy the two day pass.. or the full year one, so we can take our time to see each place over time. And, I'm thinking, if he's still wanting to spend his birthday here, with me, I'd love it... but we still need to see how things go when we're there, together... for the first time of ever meeting. It could be the last... or, it could simply be the next step into our relationship, together... I'm looking forward to finding out.

12 days left, until I'm in the air and on the way to see the man I've loved as a friend, his dry sense of humor and sexy delicious laugh and chuckles and teases that delight me are something i get to experience in person... I can't wait!

Today, the day felt like it was nearly wasted... but still, I got to talk with my sweet man, and listen to the Blackhawk's game while he watched it. Hearing his comments and laughter, and how he enjoys hockey is enough to make my smile brighter. Like so many men I've enjoyed and loved in my life.. he's completely into the game while watching it... Anyway, I laid on my bed, with heavy breath and relaxed listening, muttering responses and once in a while giggling along to his enthusiasm. I've been so sleepy all day.

It didn't seem like long afterwards, my tall lean friend was at my door a soft tapping, and I invited him in, clothed in his riding gear, he'd ridden for hours and I was proud of him. That flexible tower was once a bicycling racer, and has officiated many races in his life. I admit I like those long lean muscles on his frame. We talked and enjoyed a nice conversation. I made sure he was hydrated enough before he'd left... this weekend, though it wasn't filled with the music of our friends in local bands, WAS a music filled one for both of us... I'd already given him some CD's of bands he didn't have music from, and sent home more for him to rip and load on his iPod. I was glad to see him, even though at one point in the day I was so horny I'd determined I COULDN'T go to do our photography outing.. I'd have seduced him and violated my own self esteem and promises to myself and my guy. I'd given that man in Chicago ownership to my pussy, teasaingly. But in truth, I'd rather only touch and be with him if and when I CAN be with him.. if he and I work out wonderful... and if not... *sigh* I just don't know.

I've been downloading three songs per week free, for a while now, as part of membership in the county library system. I've downloaded some wonderful things.. and I've done some merely to gift them to my daughter... One Direction. She's so into boy bands. Anyway, I'd like to share one of those songs with you today, that not only gets my spirits soaring... it makes me move my body and try to crack out a few bits of the song. My voice is so damaged, but once in a while I can do it.
I hope you like this. I love it and the message is as lovely as is the entire musical creation. Listen, smile, spin and enjoy...

About the photos below... forgive the poorly framed photos... I couldn't see the screen on my phone as I took them, and just was winging it. Sunny bright, yet overcast days do that, lol..






anyway, I'd enjoyed it simply because it's one of the things I've loved since i was a child. My dad had taken me to a few, including some for Motor Trend shows... so, knowing a man NOW.. who loves that too, is soothingly reminiscent of my childhood..

We're talking wee one time frame as the last time I'd spent time with my father,up until I was a pregnant mother, and married 4 years, was when I was about 7 years old. Either way, it was well... 40 years ago, or so... far too much of my life was devoid of the love and attention of my father... he'd been the one that made my first few years good. He was my protector, my best friend and the parent who'd provided stability while he was in my life.
Hmm, that tall and lanky friend is my towering yet thin as a beam protector now, as well.. watching over me, making sure I'm taking care of myself... and truly puzzled by the fact that if things don't go as believed with my guy in Chicago, I will simply settle into a life devoid of male touch, romancing, dating and sex... I personally feel that if I'm being cast aside or looked upon as merely a plaything by too many men I need to look internally and see what needs fixing. I've had some very dear good men as examples recently dating and in sexual relations... and yet... either they informed me I'm not someone they'd commit themselves to... or they just don't seem interested enough in any level of connection. Either way, I've decided that I need to accept the real possibility that I'm the one who needs an adjustment. I'm the one who needs to pull back, hide myself away and forget the desire that pulses beneath my surface... Being tenth best, or nothing to someone you're with just isn't worth knowing that and continuing to spend time with that person...

When I think that way... it makes me wonder why I continue to spend time with Tall and Lanky, too... and why I'd even bother with anyone. Yes, I know... I'm blue today... And I know that I've got something very special to look forward to... it's just that.. yesterday our conversations weren't as comfortable and free... they felt tight, there was something underlying it all... I know he's a careful man who tends to analyze things ot the point where he'll let go of something that seems unrealistic, impossible and unwise... Impetuous me has added too much spice to his life.. and I know that though I'm more happy than anything that he's accepted my desire to go to him.. his position has changed. He'd lost track of finances and well... overdrafts take a toll on the ability to spend. I feel a little guilty, due to perhaps excitement and impractical spending on his side, for our pending time together. Nods, yes, that's part of it.. there's still more... anyway, I'm still blue today... and thinking maybe I should just forego the photo outing with Tall and Lanky and snuggle into bed, and hide my broken vessels in my still swollen and painful right eye... I've had issues with it for three days now. Yesterday it looked scary to me, I could barely find any white in my eye at all... cloudy red erruptions all over it, even seeming to try to coa the iris and pupil. I don't like my body at all this past few years... how easily blood will spill through skin or anyplace... I'm tired of the worry. I'm tired of the ease of loss like this.. and tired of the pain and need to hold a hand over a cut or bruise that starts to show as it spreads immediately. No tap or banging my body against anything.. it just happens. Time to heal. Time to rest. Time to let go of stress. I need this trip.. but, oh God... his brother-in-law is dying, and there's so much more going on that's distracting and disheartening. I hope this trip can be a stress reducer for him as much as I'd hoped it would be for me. I care about him and his family. I'm proud of who he is and how much he is there for those he loves. And I'm glad for the chance to touch his face, snuggle up to him and compare our breathing (and snores, I fear)... hugs and sleeping touching, and just being together... I'm hoping it's enough to make the whole thing of worth for all who'll be a part of this. I so hope that will be.

and, I'm hoping that my mood will improve some time soon. as well as my eye. this isn't bloodshot.... this is damaged. I feel like crying.