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I'm thankful to be alive and I know I've got genuine friendships here and in person with members whom I adore for WHO they are. I am alive. My libido doesn't matter all that much these days. I was a virgin bride. A lil Goody-goody two shoes. I didn't know that a high libido wasn't normal. Now, I'm just trying to just enjoy simply being alive.... Life is a challenge of resilience. plain n simple. You either survive, or you learn to see the joy in every tiny moment. rain drops spattering on your face. The welcoming morning calls of wild mourning doves and quail. I wish y'all joy and safety in your lives
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Saturday, April 13, 2013, 6:50:30 PM- have you ever wondered.. | ||||||
Why... why why why why??? | ||||||
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Friday, April 12, 2013, 1:07:29 AM- | ||||||
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Thursday, April 11, 2013, 5:02:44 AM- Today... | ||||||
I was falling apart yet again.. then got a longish text from a treasured NN friend... responding briefly, I thanked him... and then, got yet another even longer one from him... telling me to reach out to one of the dear couples we love here... anyway, I needed his texts. And, even though I'm still as far into this hellish fear filled PTSD trip of mine... I was given a couple of gifts better than any I've gotten at work in a long time... HUGS. yes, hugs... I don't get them often, and for me, that is like absolute starvation for my senses and heart... I NEED them. I was raised to believe in the healing power of a hug. The positive, and spiritual upliftment from one is tangible. I'm not religious, but I AM spiritual, and I know that the universe is filled with positive and negative. Positive attracts positive, negative attracts negative... a hug is pure positive, passed from one soul to another in that simple and brief connection. Literal power being transferred from one to another. Analytically posed? Of course.. I'm also a scientifically minded person, as well as highly emotional and loving. The first hug was from the woman who sits next to me. We grew a fast and tightly bonded rather fiercely loyal friendship in a short length of time. I love her as an older sister... and like me, she's open about her sexuality and her attraction to and with men. I dig it. The next, was from a man whom I respect and adore. Softspoken, intelligent, caring and someone I trust... and as short as me ... He had come across me yesterday, in my tucked up tight ball in the corner of the lobby on our floor... and so, today, when he'd found me in the break room standing with our mutual tall lanky friend... he came up, and told me he didn't know why, or if it'd be enough, and then warmly hugged and held me for a moment. And I hugged him tightly back, whispering a choking thank you into his neck. I needed those hugs so much, my dear friends... I get so little closeness and affection from anyone these days, that I often feel I'm withering away to nothing... Later, a man I've enjoyed, who wants to have more with me... as in dating, not just playing... reached out, as he's started to, texting a good morning and sweet gentle positives. Later, asking me how I'm doing, I told him the truth... we sent one another hugs in text.. back and forth. It helped. And then, a dear from here, reached out on Facebook, doing the same, and so much more... I'm lucky. I got hugs, today. I don't get them more than a couple a week, if/when my daughter's in the mood. HUGS HEAL. Please, reach out and give a hug, and let someone hug you in return. Feel the positive wash over and into you. No naughty ones, loves.. but pure and giving ones, full of the power that heals and buoys a soul who's flailing in the water, drowning in sorrow... just like me. I'm flailing around feeling lost, alone, bleak and helpless... I'm recycling horrible memories that must be cleansed from my heart and mind... ones I'd fought to conceal from those around me, and from my mind, by shoving them in a darkened corner of a dusty top shelf.. all the way back... it all came crashing down on me, Loves... yesterday, and dust from it's all over me. I need to accept and face my demons, embrace them as mine, then set myself free of them. It's the only way I know how to truly free myself from sorrows, from anger, frustration, pain, and from the traumas of life. Each one of the nightmares must be acknowledged... accepted as real then let go. Every last one gets, in an odd way... a hug. Give a healing hug to somebody, please.. and imagine my arms around you afterwards, whispering a thank you as I embrace you, too. Give positive and light, and love to someone briefly and know that in thinking of me, or them, or whomever you please.. you are sending that light and positive to all you're thinking of, as well as that one within your arms. GIVE, HEAL, HUG. PLEASE? | ||||||
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Wednesday, April 10, 2013, 3:28:43 AM- I had a meltdown at work... | ||||||
as in, found a corner right in the lobby of the floor I work on... and sat huddled there, crying and coming undone. I'm not sure I can take this sadness... it's more than I'm used to. I'm terrified too fully... and I'm not able to sleep much, if any at all. I came undone today because a caller was so bitter, cruel and angry he wouldn't let go.. He'd shout and rage and demand that I be the one to answer unanswearable questions... I finally got through to him that I'd get him to someone who could and would give answers. But by that time I was completely terribly torn to shreds. I can't take the anger. I can't take the rudeness, abuse and absolute rage... the unshakeable bullying... It reminds me of the ex and his insanity. Of my who refused the choices I'd offered him. and his forcing physically and emotionally leaving me feeling utterly powerless. And I felt angry with myself... for having fallen apart, for having been triggered, for letting it get to me, and tear me to bits. I'm losing control of my self control... I recall back when the stress wasn't as high as it is right now.. when I kept fantasizing about putting my gun to my mouth... so, today, I offered to sell it to a coworker who's coveted it for months now. But I NEED enough money from it, to make a BIG enough dent in the debt for the car. Take care of two fears at once IF he'll buy it and take it from my custody ASAP. I don't feel the aching longing to end it as I had back then.. so even though my ex is sure I'm insane at the moment.. I'm sure I'm ok mentally and... that my emotional state is just from too much, piled too freaking high... I'm being suffocated in this pile of hell. I need to get out from under it safely, and soon. I need a break.. soon, oh, God, how I do... I keep wishing that there were SOME way I could afford a plane ticket to Chicago to finally touch and experience the man I've grown to love. I NEED to know if it's true. I can't take the idea of this ending up like my past long distance desire... and, I so very much want to be held, and forget all of this for a while... no arms will hold me, with understanding... no touch will make a difference... I want to rest in the arms of a man.. and feel safe with him, if even just temporarily. I want to stop having to be a fighter, and be the strong woman people insist that I am... I don't feel strong, and I'm tired of the fight. Mmm, I need to get real and refreshing sleep. I need the healing and rebooting that it brings. I'm tired, my friends... I NEED to be able to relax... I'm tired... So very, very tired. | ||||||
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Tuesday, April 9, 2013, 1:20:08 AM- lonely.. but resigned | ||||||
to acceptance and nothingness. My tall lanky friend is barely able to make me feel relaxed enough, long enough to be close to him... my dear man in IL.. I no longer believe will ever come to see me... And I refuse to believe that there's anything to look forward to in my future... at least not the immediate future. Rather, I'm going to do as they all insist I mustn't do.. Hide and bury my light my soul, my passion, and blot it out from view. Why share my passion? Why believe in what cannot, and will never be? | ||||||
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Monday, April 8, 2013, 12:12:54 AM- something to think about... | ||||||
seriously.. THINK about it... reasons for us to do what we want to do... be with the ones we want to be with.. and reach for a partner we desire and enjoy and care for... Well.. that's MY desire. Some just want to fool around with somebody new... | ||||||
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Sunday, April 7, 2013, 3:06:04 PM- Today... | ||||||
today is, or would be, my mother's 70th birthday. Oh, how I miss her. Her voice was musical, and watching her in motion was a delight. For just as myself, her body rocked with it's own rhythm; and her fingers danced to the tune only seen within her words, and motions... She was eloquence and decadence, she was beauty and she was song. Can you tell I miss her? I still am pained by the awful state in which she was found. The pain that wracked her dear body, and the bruised and broken soul she remained. She was broken... oh how violated that woman was by the time she was rescued. Anyway, today is the day I hold highly. The woman who gave me birth was born on this day. The woman who'd taught me the joy and healing power in a hug, took her first breath this day, 70 years ago. And on this day her first breath and first whimper was heard by her parents... decades ago. A woman with glittering hazel-brown eyes, dark hair and olive skin... began her life. I will always love that special and twisted woman. She could love, and she could be bitterly cruel... but she WAS my mother. And she taught me that even broken and emotionally challenged souls can work, can be parents, can love and function to a degree socially. But how sadly she was used and misunderstood. I tried to tend her, take care of her and love her and my sisters to the best of my ability since I was a tiny child. I was her caregiver from the time I was 4 years old. But once married... that role was done, to a degree... though I became HIS caregiver... that is another story. Today... I hold my mother dearly close to my heart. A woman who stood regally, head high and powerful. She was my role-model of what not to be, and what I could be, if wished. And her wildness and sensuality, is what I gained... and her loving nature. The gentleness, and giving... that's my own... THAT is who I am. | ||||||
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Saturday, April 6, 2013, 7:39:39 PM- Need... | ||||||
this morning, like so many.. I awakened hungry... voracious... not for food.. but for sex... Oh, God... being partially aroused 24/7 is HELL for a woman with no partner. I NEED sex to clear my mind.. to calm and relax me.. to subdue the aching, and to help me stay focused and capable.... Feeling... HUMAN. I found myself curling fingers into dripping wet craving between my thighs... tight and swollen and needing to be appeased. I may be older... but I'm still insanely wet and ready when this happens... it's why men who've been with me love and want it. I'm ready for them. I'm turned on and slick smelling musky and sweet and creamy... from merely their kisses and touch. Fingers played for what seemed like an eternity this morning... but at last my clit and pussy pulsed and throbbed out in reaction to my teasing. I'll need this a few more times today... I wish, how I wish lips and teeth, and tongue were doing the job, tugging on thick long lips, and delving into my wetness... how I love to feel it sliding teasing and lathing me from front to back, thrusting deeply into holes that want to feel the arousal of lust passion, desire... moans and arousal. and a cock thick and pulsing pushing in and out to explode deep within me. It's so much more satisfying. But more than this, I miss, how I miss someone to hold me, touch and caress me. Someone to trust and be with. Someone to snuggle close with and sleep the rest of a woman who feels wanted, needed desired and... I hope one day to also feel.. loved. I know that if I'm so blessed. my partner will know how treasured he is by me. For I'm a loving giving person by nature. And gratitude is something I show every day. He will KNOW in every way. My eyes, my walk, my moans and kisses, my touch and every breath will be a reminder of how he moves me. For now, I'm animal.. I need to play again already. And then only then will I be fit for public. I've got things that need to get done. And... Then, after driving a mobile vibrator... I'll slink into my bedroom again, quietly shut the door and tease and fuck myself some more... I hate this aching lusty need so huge within me... But I also know what a loss it is when I've had it gone utterly from me. So, for now.. as I've got no one to respect, cherish and enjoy me.. I will respond to my own need. And will do what little I can to satisfy my loneliness and hunger. I hate my hormonal imbalance. I hate how it reduces me to such a state of need and debasement when I'm desperate, as to accept a fuck buddy or playmate. I want someone who'll be with me consistently.. Whether as merely a fuck buddy/friend-with-benefits... or as my partner, loving and wanting me in his life.. which IS what I desire. Fingers, vibrator and glass dildos are my intimate friends for now... *sigh* time for more... | ||||||
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Saturday, April 6, 2013, 7:14:34 PM- | ||
concerts were nice... we only stayed for the first set for the trio and headed over to Royal Bliss, they didn't play for long, Just practice with fans filling the place. It was cool to get a hug right off, from Issac and called by name by those sweet guys. And the lead singer of Royal.. well, he was updating us on their eagerly awaited restaurant/bar. I'm thrilled for these wonderfully talented souls. The rest of the weekend will be mostly just homebodying. My daughter's got a bad headcold, so.. I'll be using what meager funds I've got left for her medications. I'm still terrified, knowing I'm not even close to what I need to pay for that car I ended up buying with the downpayment from my grandmother, I HAVE to come up with several hundred, to pay it off... I have to at the end of next week. Tempted to offer selling my cummy panties again. But I'd need it ASAP. *sigh* I WILL be offering prints of my blue nude painting though. From the size of a trading card (ACEO) to 8"x10". Every amount that people pay for a print of my artwork will go towards my car payment, and to the cost of ongoing medical care for myself and my daughter... I'll be putting together some postings on a couple websites. But I'll be accepting requests for those who know what photos or paintings they'd like prints of. | ||
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Saturday, April 6, 2013, 3:13:16 AM- weekend bliss... | ||||||
I'm going to a couple concerts tonight with well... my tall and lanky friend.. he's a fine friend.. but not a good guy to trust to tell the truth, unless it's harsh. Anyway, celebrating the CD release for some cool young guys I adore.. The Issac Farr Trio. And then we'll enjoy listening to the practice and playing/singing of my favorite Utah grown band, yes, again.. Royal Bliss. Another friend from work might meet us there... A very nice guy. The rest of my weekend is up to me and my kid... She's staying home for the first weekend in months. Enjoy your weekend... And who knows.. maybe I will, too. I'm pretty sure I can. I'll be with friends and family. A good mix. | ||||||
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