I'm tired of feeling like I'm in hell...



So instead of whining and letting my fear get the best of me...




I'm here to say something to and about YOU ...


yes, You.. the one reading this.

The one trying to find out what I'm thinking and experiencing...


take a peek and see what I'm thinking about you, my sexy NN friend....



Right....

Now....

started for me, on Friday. Wearing green to work, had a potluck and a relaxed slow low level of calls all day. The tall lanky friend from work had spoken of a concert a couple days before.. for Friday, but because of a weird response to a happy reminder that I was looking forward to that night, Thursday evening... I'd simply responded never mind, that I was sorry I'd presumed he'd asked me to it, and told him I hoped he'd have fun.

Saturday was a long and cranky moody day for me... I was dealing with too much and needed a break. I met tall and lanky for a shopping thing.. it had become a comforting thing for us to do months ago... anyway, impulsiveness overtook him, I guess... I went with him to the Royal Bliss St Paddy'd Day concert in Ogden. Their performance was absolutely phenomenal... Especially knowing that Neil was having issues with his throat. He came over to visit with us at dinner. Anyway, the band is doing very well. Realizing life ambitions hopes and dreams.. and I couldn't wish such things on better guys. The concert was fantastic. I enjoyed seeing friends from a prior concert. We hung out with them until it was over. I've never had so much beer spilled on me, nor seen hissy violent cat fights break out at one in person until that night.. And, I've never seen such blind stinking drunks.. lol.. go figure... St. Patrick's day, right? no, nothing is happening between us, except I'm pulling back and away from him. I won't go into it.

By the way... because I hadn't gone to the concert on Friday.. I got to spend time with the man I adore in IL.. Skyping.. on Friday evening. Oh how wonderful it was to see him! His face isn't twisted to me.. though the bell's palsy has left him permanently paralyzed on one side of his head... that face is one of the most wonderful sights I've seen. We don't play sex camming games.. thought he did say he now can see how easy it would be to want to with me, and to ask.. and many times told me again, how tempting it was becoming, when I distractedly being me, I shifted from position to position.. or flexed, gnawed on my lip.. stretched or laid down sleepily... in closing he advised me I'd need to wear more clothes to bed to keep him from trying to convince me to let him see my creamy white skin live.. I told him he gets to when he comes to see me.

Today we talked in the morning/midday. I told him about a temper tantrum I threw yesterday(before shopping with tall and lanky, concert etc). And about the reoccurrence of bedbugs in my apartment. I hate them.. and, they make me want my daughter OUT of my home because she doesn't care and refuses to take care of her things or take responsibility for them and their continued reproduction.. of my determination to make her stay home and work with me.. he told me he hates them more than I do... of how they'd plagued his mother, and what it took to be fully rid of them. And I took that information to heart. He also told me he won't come until they're GONE. He cared enough to remind me that my daughter has special needs and to avoid threatening at any cost, to throw her out.. that she can help.. but pointed out that she needs me to help and teach her with the love he knows I have for her... He also reminded me to focus on staying healthy. Staying alive. And to focus on what's most important. He reminded me of so many bad choices in men like Tall and Lanky.. and reminded me that what we have is almost too good to be true.

This evening my daughter and I went to my sister's home for a wonderful dinner with er family and that of her boyfriend.. including close friends. Authentic potatoes and sauerkraut... lamb stew, breads and corned beef as well as other dishes. Friendship love and hugs were shared. I loved all of it. I'm only 1/4 Irish, at best... but my maiden name IS Irish.. and, I'll try my best to wear it with honor. Happy St Patrick's Day.. what's left of it.

Mmmm I'm beginning to wonder just how I'm supposed to cope with this hunger.. or more correctly.. absolutely overpowering need.
I need sex. And the ache is constant. I deny myself most of the time.. but there are times wen I just wish I could believe a man actually valued what and who I am enough to at least attempt to appease my great need. let alone want me to impart my gifts and passion upon him regularly... Oh how I need this either to be sated.. or to end forever. I hate feeling like this

waggling my sass-a-ma-frass your way this morning.

without knowing the dual purpose behind it. Tim Sweeney wrote this for his son, when young.. He would rock and sing him to sleep. Born with Downs Syndrome, and sever autism.. this son whom he treasures can't communicate in sign or words. Tim also wrote this as if from his son's perspective.. thanking his mother for her devotion, nurturing and love for him.

Ultimately this could be a song for young lovers, a husband on active duty, and so many more beautiful expressions of deep love and devotion.

where am I going?

What in the hell was I thinking when I chose that? (looking at some slinky little nothing in the back of my closet)

why am I still clinging to this?

what is it about this job that makes it so hard to leave?

what can I do to create a better path, and life for us? (my daughter and me)

will I ever be without pain wracking my body?

will I ever learn?

so many lessons flung my way, all at the same time. So many things buffeting me that I feel distracted and incapable of decision. And... hoping I recognize every opportunity for joy as it comes my way.

"Joy is prayer - Joy is strength - Joy is love - Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls. She gives most who gives with Joy."
-- Mother Teresa

I love this band... Here are a few songs from Ten Black Roses.. the album they released in 2008.

Ten Black Roses

Justify

Living in a World Without You

The Fight

"One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star."
-- Nietzsche