I get three free downloaded songs per week as a benefit for library "membership." I rarely use them, but often I stumble over something that holds me breathless for a moment, like this song...

I have a couple friends who do this well, for me. And I tend to be a bit of a silly clown myself... Sometimes it's all I can do to keep from falling apart and screaming as the tears flow.

Laugh the sorrow away. Smile and hide the fact that you're too ready to crack and gush like a waterfall... Laugh the bad things away. And start the day over again.

today (UK time) I was blessed to have chatted with my dear friend whokens IMing.. how I adore that sweet Scotsman! And then later in MY time I'd noticed while on break that our fantastic friend TJ had called and left a message. My pathetic voicemail still refuses to give up the goods to me, so I couldn't listen... I called him back. What a great treat that was to hear his voice in my ear while on lunch break... a friend asked to sit with me.. overheard bits and pieces of the conversation.. like, "I still think I should have dragged your ass over to MY place to have our visit, instead of staying at the truck stop!" referring to the 6-7 hours we'd spent visiting over coffee and dinner.

**eye brows twitched from across the table**

And then, in closing he'd said I love you sweetie... and I'd replied, without any hesitation, "I love you too."

8*eyes staring at me, dazed.. and eyebrows doing the hula, or maybe something busier?**

Just seeing the uh huh what's up look and then acting like gulp ok, that's normal for her, look in his eyes... this guy knew Tall and Lanky and I've been an item, and that we're spending time together on breaks again now.. almost like we used to. So.. to hear a guys voice on the other end of a phone call and me smiling broadly and saying I love you to him, too.. well, I was afraid the poor guy would choke on his sammich.

Anyway... it gave me a private chuckle. I'm still feeling absolutely screwed by life... but just hearing the voice of someone I've adored for over 2 years meant a great deal to me. That's one dear friend who's been there for me from separation til.. well, now... It raised my spirits up a notch.

I've also enjoyed messages from another soul here.. He brightens my days, as well, with his words of hope and gentleness. I'm lucky to have so many friends here, who mean a great deal to me... not just when I'm here at this site, my lovelies and studlies... but in real life, too. I'm blessed. I'm still struggling and at times absolutely terrified. But having sisters brothers and lovers here is a very lovely thing to have. Thank you.

Just had to share a shining ray of light or ten...

I could simply eradicate these nightmares and dark thoughts from my heart and mind...

The hardest thing is that, the only man to hug me these days crushes me with thoughtless lies and careless actions...
And, the arms I know would steal me and warm me deeper wrapped around me for support, are many miles and miles away from me... dear friends from here... who tenderly support me in words.. and those whom I've buried my face against and wrapped my arms around in joyous embraces in person... they know who they are and know how horrible my hell clouds my days...

Hold me in your arms tonight.. let me feel the touch of loving friendship... I'll never again ask for more... Just let me feel you close tonight.. keep me alive.. Fill me with your hope... and help me see the light of the sun touching the mountains with it's glorious rays.

challenge. Sunglasses were locked in the car I gave up. And.. honestly I'm rather depressed. Too much to deal with all at once. Sorry my friends. I'll try not to waste your time

I've GOT to share any positive I can. For one thing.. the concert here, was good on Friday night. we got there late but were recognized and warmly treated by the guys from all bands we've both seen before. I even got teased and fondled while being hugged by a couple of young guys from the band I shared a vid of. It was adorable.
But more importantly... I desire to share
about the man who means more to me than just about any other man, other than MAYBE TJ, ThicknHard4U and Whokens... We Skyped for the first time in a long time, since his face became so sadly distorted by palsy/stroke. My daughter had pointed out the timing of his determination to pull back had been two days prior to the day we were supposed to Skype... it took a few more before we did. And, just before we did, he'd warned me that he might cry uncontrollably.. when I'd asked why he replied it would depend on how I reacted to his distorted and nightmarishly twisted face. It is noticeable. And the distortion is sorrowing to me... But nightmarish? No.. no.. how I wanted to caress his face, kiss his sagging cheek, eye and lips.. and love him sweetly, not run away. My tall towering friend was waiting for me to change and then, to skype, in my living room. It was during the opening part of the concert we we going to on Friday night. He knows of this man far from me.. he thinks my relationship with this other man is much like his torrid one with a married woman elsewhere... Mine isn't. It was never built upon carnality, hungry sexual word play and passion needing to be fed. Mine was merely based upon common interests, senses of humor that border on geekiness, and dry quick wit. It's developed into more.. mutual respect and appreciation, trust and support, and giving of ourselves freely when we can.
We spoke Saturday night, for a long while. and in part he'd shared some of his absolute top favorite music. He wants to share even more of it with me now... Anyway, this was one of his treasured songs. I'm sharing it with you. Thing is, I've loved it since I was a kid, too. And I as I sang along with it while on the phone with him... I heard him choking up and perk up as he listened to my voice singing for him, for the first time. I still can't hope for more than we have now. But listen to the words. I know it means something to him, and the message means something sweetly beautiful to me.
we spoke today, too, this afternoon. Before he had to go to bed. And I'm glad to have any little bit of time with this man who's kept me smiling through nightmares and good times, too.

I've tried writing this for a while.. but my terrible Baby went and jumped on the keyboard.. Baby is my little Green cheeked conure... and wiped out hours of thoughts written to release my anxiety and sorrows.

I feel a desire to explain why I'm so sorrow filled. Why I feel so lost, bleak and lonely.

I'd gone to the Royal Bliss concert not this weekend, but the past one with my towering friend from work... and the weekend previous to that he'd spent entirely with another woman who'd flown in from Co, to be with him. I hadn't known she was going to be there ALL the time and into the workweek. He'd lied about it all to me... including that he was staying in her hotel room all that time, as well. I was still reliant upon him for rides to ad from work.. and I needed a friend to help me through that weekend. My sister and cousin had flown in, to see our dying grandmother... she'd expected to be dead by the time they got there... She was and still is very much alive.
Anyway, He'd lied in texts making it sound like he was at home bored and disinterested, that she'd turned out to be someone he'd had no connection with and that it was fine that I was reaching out to him. She didn't like it, but he got away with replying to me by saying we were only friends, and that he's my only source of help, with rides while I'd had no car, etc. Anyway he was providing me rides almost all week, that week, as well, until I'd bought the car the day before Valentines, and for a while afterwards, too, seeing as I'd had to take it back to the dealer to get repairs done to it. He'd call her while with me, or pick her calls up or text her, too. Saying.. she understands... she's just a friend.. and same, to me, too... I recalled that pattern when we were seeing one another... It reminded me too much of why we should never be more than friends... He doesn't deserve me.

We went to the Royal Bliss concert that following weekend while my car was in the shop. While up there, he was telling people left and right that we were just friends and no, we don't do that, when countless people tried to convince us to book a motel room and stay to avoid the impending storm. A woman from past venues who is nearly up to his 6'7' height was brushing against him, bringing him drinks, and flirting, and grabbing him away constantly, And he.. allowed it to escalate. I watched her get him drunk and try to convince us to stay with her. I overheard him tell her we wouldn't be sleeping together anyway since we're just good friends... And, that I mean nothing to him other than being his friend. I was ill over that.... She continued to increase her flirtations and seduction. And he even now insists he didn't notice. A liar is always a liar... no removing his spots.
Anyway, She'd tried to convince me several times to stay with her... after she'd gotten HIM to say yes, but only if my friend will agree... I shouted NO told him to go ahead and fuck her since I knew that was what they BOTH planned... and ran out the door into the snow covered scenery, into the icy windy night. It was too much like when my ex-husband would let women brush up against him.. nd how it hurt that he'd never wear a wedding band, and made a point to point out just how much other women wanted him. He'd loved hurting me and this man proved he was no better a man. And worse than him since he knew he was hurting me just like he'd done in our whirlwind stage of making love, exploration and joy. This was NO joyous weekend.

Blinded by tears, I walked haphazardly over the bridge and looked below at the sheet of ice partially covering the river below. Contemplating walking on the concrete barrier that separated the road from the icy water below... and wondered how much weight or impact it could take if I fell off, and would anyone even search for me, or care that I was gone... I walked around for over a half an hour, I'd heard her sharp whistle and his calls, and ignored them. I was sure he'd try calling my phone.. the one I'd left locked in his car along with my purse and things... If I'd had those two things with me, I'd have called a taxi to take me all the long way home from Evanston, Wy to Salt Lake City... or walked to the motel next door to book a room for myself. Guys from the band had invited us to party with them afterwards and to fuck in the motel room and enjoy being there. I'd even had one of the roadies suggest I stay and get a ride back home from one of them the next morning... I had those two options. I couldn't think of the ice and water seriously.. so please don't say anything about that. I've got my daughter to live for... even now, I've got that ONE purpose to fight for.

Anyway, I went back to find him shaking and crying.... he looked like a mess... he deserved to after the hellish night he'd given me... I told him to unlock his car and I'd leave so he could do what the other woman wanted him to.. which was to go home with her and fuck her through and through... I told him he deserved her but sure as hell didn't deserve me... and that I was done with men like him. I meant it. I insisted he'd best do it now, so I could find a way home ASAP...
Long story shortened. We drove home and I listened to him and his lies and truths. He'd already confessed much of it during the week... But more spilled over and out that early morning long ride home. By the time we got to my place we were both hurting and both wiped out.
I was a fool and asked him to hold me I needed him to give me that... and then, to simply sleep next to me. He didn't sleep very well, I know how a sleeping man sounds. And I did after a long while finally hear him sleep. He didn't hold me much at all... and that disappointed me, but I accepted it. Later that morning I snuggled close to him.. and well... we had sex. It wasn't making love.. that stopped a long time ago. But he did use the toy I'd bought while with him there in WY. And I let him. But I didn't let him fill me up. I dried him up in other ways. I just couldn't let him into me this time. He'd been with someone else the weekend before... and another woman has plans on him as well. It was just too much for me to bear.

He was still calling, picking up for, and texting the other woman the next day while we were out and about. He showed me pictures of her, and I finally showed him one of my best friend, from before his face became twisted and distorted. But the texting and calls were again too much to me. I was grateful they called and told me my car was ready, while we were out and about doing things. I got my car back.. I'd gotten my freedom from needing this towering gentle but cruely thoughtless asshole of a friend. I needed it as much as I had when dreaming of us being together, living together and loving one another's children... THAT can never be, ever for me with him... I can't allow myself to believe or feel that ever again.

Two days later my best friend and man I've been waiting on told me we should apply the brakes. Told me it would be enough for him to be a close and loving friend. And I was devastated all the more. Since I'd been crushed already by one man.. and distancing myself from him.. it wasn't going to be any harder to do so with this one. I'd lost lovers before.. I'd given up on my long, long painful marriage, I'd lost my house, my mother, my grandfather, cousins and aunts, too... I've watched friends abandon me, due to the separation and divorce... I'd awakened to a realization that I was nothing but a cheap little plaything to someone who'd known me well and for decades, too... so it would take little to end this. I'd told him I could walk away, that I would. I wouldn't just tap my brakes.. I'd slam on them and spin around speeding away in another direction... I'd disappear from him, and never again acknowledge him. He changed his tune. And said he couldn't let that happen. We'd gone through too much to let go of all we'd built. My daughter after my second night of tears, advised me that that conversation was the day before we were to have skyped, for the first time in many months, since we weren't going to see one another in person for months, to years. It would be much longer if he'd chosen to proceed with pulling back and ending my hopes. It would have never happened. And honestly it still might never come to be.

Two days later, at work, we got our envelopes with a list of changes to our benefits package. I'd been looking forward to going back to the High PPO medical plan, thinking it would have been well worth it for this past year...
No PPO was an option. We're losing insurance and getting an indemnity instead. That means, anything above a set LOW price they're willing to pay for Dr visits, lab work, etc will be our FULL responsibility. Only a max of 8 times, in total, of seeing any doctors ALL 12 months... And a total of 12 prescriptions will be paid for annually. Not 12 times of filling up to 12 prescriptions.. Just twelve fills, at a maximum that is bellow the costs of most medications I'm on and need, every single month.. I've got several. but I can't have them now.

I can't find out what's wrong with me after all. I won't get to go to the Doctor until I'm close to death. And I've already got over $2,000 in debts to doctors, hospital and ambulance from just the past 4 months. I'm not sure how to handle this all. I'm decimated, my friends. How can I possibly hope to survive when this state is infamous for refusing to allow people who need it, to have Medicaid?
How will I cope?
How in God's world am I to believe that anyone will be able to save me?
My body is still attempting to shut itself down. I'm still fighting PTSD from , from loss, from abuse... And on top of this.. the car I just bought before Valentine's day, to replace the one that's still in the shop.... Needs repairs, too.

I feel like Why? Why me? What am I needing to learn? And what have I done to deserve this? Oh, God... I don't WANT to die. I don't want to have more bills than I can cope with. I NEED a car to get me where I need to go. But I feel lost and helpless... Now you know some of my sorrows. And WHAT caused me to cry out in desperation the other day.